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(14 Posts)
stokieginge Wed 15-May-19 09:00:34

So I’m really struggling today.

I’ve had a regular cycle since TTC. Had fertility bloods last month and they’ve all come back as ‘normal’ - Dr is ringing me to discuss.

Typically my day 21 tests now appear to have been off as I came on 4 days earlier than planned.

FF then changed this months cycle to 27 days with tomorrow being the day AF is due.

Today I’ve started spotting (usually I never spot or get any PMS - I just come on in the AM)

So yeah basically I’m sat at work crying, I just want to give up now.

I realise I’m being very dramatic but everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant and I’ve wanted to be a Mum since before I can remember and now it’s all seeming like it’s never going to happen.

pinkoi Wed 15-May-19 09:40:59

Hey love - I can't comment on your medical circumstances but I just wanted to say that you shouldn't be hard on yourself.

This is a big process and a bit mind blowing at times, it's ok to have your emotions and feelings. Culture doesn't make it easy, you are expected to suffer the difficult bits in private and only tell when there is "good news".

I have been trying to hide a probable miscarriage this week while trying to work and smile, so I feel your pain about trying to carry on while it feels like there is a war going on in your mind.

Is there anyone you can talk to? I had to ring the Samaritans for the first time a few weeks ago and it REALLY helped just to get some stuff off my chest at 2am.

Xxx
thanks

RisingStrong Wed 15-May-19 09:42:15

Hi

I completely get where you are coming from.

What you are feeling today is exactly how i felt yesterday and the day before that. We have been TTC to a month shy of a year. I paid privately for a fertility MOT a few months ago and the results weren't great but was told to wait until a year had passed before going back to the GP just to give it more time.

2 of my friends have in the last month told me they're pregnant after trying for not very long at all and i haven't stopped crying since.

I often question whether i`m being too emotional about this all and if i haven't given it enough time, but then i think screw it! i`m entitled to feel how i feel. I know i am a strong person and handle my emotions well, so if i am crying about this, its because it really matters to me and i`m struggling to deal with the uncertainty, anxiety and anticipation of it all.

I genuinely don't think we will conceive without help (i have fibroids, low AMH levels, and one of my ovaries is borderline PCOS - whatever the hell that means).

So i say to you, you are not being dramatic at all, you`re being human! Cry it out if you have to - then find distractions so you are not thinking about it all the time. smile

stokieginge Wed 15-May-19 10:06:17

@pinkoi I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering a miscarriage. Makes my complaints seem less trivial.

I've spoken to my OH,and the ladies I work with.

OH tried his best to reassure me. The ladies at work the same, but we're very much of the opinion 'it'll happen'. Which is the last thing I want to hear.

@RisingStrong I think the hardest thing about a lot of the pregnancies around me, is that the majority of them weren't even ttc. We've only been ttc for 10 cycles, so the fertility tests were premature but I was very lucky as my GP agreed to put me in for them as she shares the belief that whilst she doesn't think there's any underlying issue, the results would probably reassure me and as a result we'd just fall naturally.

I've not spoken to her directly about my results yet she's due to call me on Friday to discuss.

I think it's hardest to understand how if we're doing everything at the 'optimal times' and there's no apparent underlying issues then why is it not happening. I don't drink/smoke.

It's just frustrating. And even more so when people say 'oh don't over think it', 'it'll happen' or the dreaded 'so when are you going to get pregnant'.

FutureMrsD Wed 15-May-19 10:27:24

Hi!
Feel your pain.
Thought last month was my month, it wasn’t, got a faint line on a FRER, which I think made it worse to be honest. Pretty much been crying since my period started last a week ago, still spotting as well which is just frustrating.
My cycles average 50 days so I feel like it’s such a long wait to try again, I just want to fast forward to my fertile window.
I’m just so emotional all the time. My husband, bless him, just thinks it will happen eventually over the next few months, just quite calm about the whole thing, in no rush. Whereas I feel like it has consumed my life, it’s all I think about at work, at weekends, when I’m in bed trying to sleep and I feel like I won’t be happy again until I finally get a BFP.
Sending virtual hugs to everyone ❤️

RisingStrong Wed 15-May-19 12:12:29

@stokieginge I know what you mean about feeling like you`re doing everything right and nothing is happening. I`m glad your GP has sent you for tests to give you the piece of mind. I went to see my GP twice and on both occasions it was basically an eye roll and they basically showed me the door and told me to come back after a year - which made me feel like crap, hence why we paid privately. My OH is amazingly supportive and puts up with my grumpy days which are quite regular these days. He's having a semen analysis done next week to try and give me some piece of mind and so when we go back to the GP (i`ve asked for a different one) we have something to start with.

Keep your head up - i wont say the "everything will be fine" thing because it drives me crazy when people say that LOL :D because i`m thinking you dont know that! LOL like @FutureMrsD at times it consumes my life but i`m trying not to let it - its not easy

Here if you need to talk xx

VenusStarr Wed 15-May-19 12:58:57

Hi @stokieginge, I remember your name. I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. We've just had our first fertility appointment and started on that journey. I did manage to conceive cycle 16 but then had a mmc in April. Period returned as expected so hoped all was OK. This is my first real cycle since the miscarriage and I have had 10 days of ewcm, so worrying my cycles are out of sync now, no idea if I even ovulated. I'm literally wishing the next 2 weeks away.

It's so frustrating and demoralising. The worry and thoughts about ttc and being pregnant have completely taken over.

Are you able to go out for a lunchtime walk? I try to get out of the office every day. Sending love, be kind to yourself 💜

stokieginge Wed 15-May-19 13:07:36

@VenusStarr yeah disappeared for abit as decided couldn't hack the mum police on here 😂

So sorry to hear you've miscarried. Hopefully you'll find some answers now you're going down the fertility test route.

Hopefully when I speak to the Dr on Friday I'll feel better maybe?! AF has appeared with full force so that's me definitely out again now.

A local acupuncture centre offers free first visit so I may or may not have just booked myself in for a visit there have hearing numerous things about acupuncture and fertility.

I'm just getting my head down and keeping busy with work instead of my usual daily procrastination which is helping, but snapping at the OH as he's asking me what's wrong as he's obviously sensing an issue.

Just feeling very blurgh

stokieginge Wed 15-May-19 13:12:05

@RisingStrong yeah I told a little white lie and said we'd been trying for a year - I had come off the pill 4/5 months before we started trying so it had been a year since I came off the pill so the dates worked out.

My OH has offered to do a semen analysis but the idea freaks me out. We're newly married and he's already got a child from previous 'relationship' so we know he works or has worked in the past. But the idea of him doing on and it potentially coming back with him being the issues scares me as I'm unsure on how I'd deal with that - we don't qualify for NHS with our local trust with him having a child. So if there was an issue and it was him that would be the end of the line in the sense of IVF as we couldn't afford to do it privately.

I somehow thought I'd be able to deal with it better if it was down to me.

If that makes sense.

stokieginge Wed 15-May-19 13:13:45

@FutureMrsD the waiting is the hardest bit.

Along with the 'it'll happen', hmmm are you sure cause it's not happened yet!

Fingers crossed for you.

VenusStarr Wed 15-May-19 13:38:33

I had similar thoughts about the SA @stokieginge, what if it was dh, how would he handle it, how eould I cope etc. He was the one who was more matter of fact about it all. His view is if there is something thrn we know and can deal with it.

Try not to jump ahead with the ivf stuff (I am definitely not one to talk though!) because there's a lot they can try before you get to that stage. Also, it's taken us 6 months from the first GP appointment to even get a clinic appointment so things do not move quickly.

I think the reality hitting of it getting serious is hard to process. Hopefully seeing the GP this week will help x

Hall84 Wed 15-May-19 23:49:16

I hope it's ok to join in but this is exactly how I feel today. In the grand scheme of things we haven't been trying that long but I've lost the plot a bit this week. 3 of 4 siblings between me and DH have had DC in the last 12 months and a colleague has just announced their pregnancy today.
Good luck OP for your appointment on Friday and to everyone else x

stokieginge Fri 17-May-19 12:12:37

Spoken to the Dr regarding my results. She’s confident that they’re normal.

That being said she also said that the fertility blood tests were as far as I could go with the NHS, due to the criteria of our local Trust being that neither partner can have a child - my DH has a daughter.

So that’s that. It either happens naturally or not at all as we’re not in the position to go privately.

So another pretty shitty day despite the reassurances that ‘it’ll happen’.

VenusStarr Fri 17-May-19 18:38:15

I know you won't be eligible for ivf @stokieginge but maybe check out the criteria for your local ccg, you may be entitled to other help or investigations via the fertility clinic. Don't write it off yet.

Good luck x

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