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Anyone delayed trying for a baby until late 30s?

(27 Posts)
Rachae Thu 18-Apr-19 20:35:53

Hi There,

I decided to join Mumsnet as for the past year, I've been scanning the conception forum and I've really appreciated all of the posts. Essentially - I'm in a right pickle.

My fiancé and I have 'sort of' been trying for 1 year and probably passive for 2. I say sort of, as it's been sort of mentally half hearted as we haven't been sure if it's the right thing to do. We absolutely love the idea of having a little baby and often talk about it and how wonderful it would be... then stop ourselves at the pragmatic type stuff i.e. finances and current living situation/work.

So one half of the story is that I've had investigations for infertility, as I was surprised that after some time has passed I haven't conceived. (Clear Blue ovulation tests monthly... sex every 2 days etc) Turns out there's nothing scientifically out of the ordinary for both of us but due to our ages (I'm turning 34 and finance is turning 36), we've been offered IVF in June this year.

The other half of the story is that we've had some real struggles over the last 6 years via career changes, lots of relocations and financial obligations. This year is the first year it's all 'settled' and we've really enjoyed being able to search for a bigger house, book some holidays in and essentially... finally feel what it feels like to 'settle down' and 'live comfortably'. First time in our adult lives pretty much.

We're left with the questions:
- Would getting pregnant now (particularly with the gift of IVF) be another major life change that would knock us off kilter again, just as the dust has settled?
- Would we always wish we'd spend even more quality time together with no worries (fingers crossed) and enjoying holidays etc together first?

But also other question:
- What if we delay IVF and trying for a year or 2, to find out we are now infertile?

Massively tough dilemma. I've had a lot of my friends and family members urge me to just keep trying - lots of fear factors over not being able to get pregnant at 35/36. It terrifies me.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and I'd very much welcome all opinions. I'm literally torn down the middle. The internet is also awash with contradictory information about getting pregnant after 35, so it's all so confusing.

Thanks for listening and sorry to ramble on! smile

Yoozanaim Thu 18-Apr-19 20:41:59

I'd crack on now. Fertility doesn't drop off as badly as we have been lead to believe at 35 but why take the chance - for some, it does.

I had my first child at 36 easily (first time trying) and only hadn't earlier as I didn't meet my husband til I was 34. Second baby took AGES to make (possibly because I BFed for so long, but also maybe my age. Had tests - nothing to be found.) Finances could be better, always, but I am glad we didn't wait to have more time together - you've had even more than us. Go for it. And good luck with the IVF.

LaPufalina Thu 18-Apr-19 20:43:52

I did delay TTC until I was 36 but I'd only been with my then boyfriend (now DH) for two years. I got pregnant quickly with both of my two (had them 21 months apart, the latter at 39). I wouldn't change them for anything but I do sometimes feel that we maybe didn't have quite enough time just me and him; if I'd been 26 instead we'd have waited a good few years but I didn't know if I could conceive (had a few risk factors and was incredibly lucky, I know). The fertility declining rapidly after 35 stats were based on old french studies (maybe 200 years ago?) and I recall after 40 is more accurate.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

SallyWD Thu 18-Apr-19 20:46:25

We started trying for DC1 on my 35th birthday and I got pregnant first attempt - I wasn't expecting that! We starting trying for our second DC when I was 37. This took well over 6 months (which I know isn't that long compared to some people). During this time I did have an extremely early miscarriage. I did a pregnancy test when my period was due and it was positive and then I started bleeding the same day. If I hadn't done the test I'd never have known I was pregnant and I didn't find it traumatic as being pregnant hadn't actually sink in at that point. I felt that maybe my fertility had declined between 35 and 37 and that's why it was harder to conceive my second. But maybe not - maybe we were just lucky with DC1.

GemmeFatale Thu 18-Apr-19 20:52:34

Im so sorry. If you’re being offered IVF on the NHS you have essentially been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. You should be able to access counselling via the clinic if you want to talk through if you both feel ready to start fertility treatment.

Our ivf was post 35, and the clinic weren’t incredibly concerned about my age. Apparently other factors are more of an issue to them then the magic 35. Having said that, depending on your area, you may find the funding changes or vanishes if you’re over 35. So it’s worth looking at that before making any decisions to put it off.

It’s also worth knowing you’re unlikely to be successful on the first round. The reason three is the funding recommendation is that tends to show the best outcomes. You generally need a couple of months between cycles even if everything is perfect, and that’s not a given. So assume each try will take 3 months and you’ll need time between. Three cycles can easily take two years if your clinic is busy or you don’t react in a textbook manner.

It’s not an easy choice. If you want to ask more questions about the process the infertility board is very supportive.

OhGood Thu 18-Apr-19 20:52:37

So this is how I would answer your questions. I have 2 children, conceived at 36 and 39 (easily; I am very lucky and I know it). Had the same should-we, shouldn't we as you.

It must be so difficult for you and I wish someone could come on here and wave a magic wand and let you see into the future a bit.

Here's how I would answer your questions, personally.

Would getting pregnant now (particularly with the gift of IVF) be another major life change that would knock us off kilter again, just as the dust has settled?
- Having a child will change your whole life. You will likely need a whole new kilter. This is not negative - there is joy and insane love and family as I have never known it, as well as the sheer grind and endlessness of looking after children and the terror that comes as the flipside of the insane love.

Would we always wish we'd spend even more quality time together with no worries (fingers crossed) and enjoying holidays etc together first?
- You will never be able to answer this question, really, partly because you will have crossed the Rubicon of having a child and you will be in a whole new world, and you won't be able to imagine it any other way. I wouldn't worry too much about it, to be honest.

What if we delay IVF and trying for a year or 2, to find out we are now infertile?
- I don't know how to answer this.

Good luck with your decision.

Clevs Thu 18-Apr-19 21:28:25

We started trying when I was 36 and my husband was almost 48. We conceived fairly quickly but then miscarried. Six months later (I was then 37 and husband was 48) I miscarried again. I then suffered an injury so had to put things on hold. Then when we were trying again I had just turned 39 and my husband was 50 and we conceived our now 1 year old.

The miscarriages made me on tenterhooks throughout my successful pregnancy especially as we were both getting on a bit, more so me as a first time mum.

MilkyMum23 Thu 18-Apr-19 22:20:17

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if you both really want children then in my mind there is no question, you crack on now.

Ask yourself this - in your older years will you regret having waited if you don't manage to have children? Will you always ask, "what if"? If life has settled down, then it seems like a good time - a child will throw things out of kilter for a short while until the addition of your child becomes the new normal. Quality time will be even better - myself and my husband wonder what we ever did before our son was here, he brings so much happiness and light to our lives. We are so much stronger as a couple since we have had our son and although there have been challenges it has changed life for the better. We are currently struggling to conceive a second baby and it is devastating - as we are so aware of how much another child would enrich our lives.

Good luck with your decision.

miracleon13th Mon 22-Apr-19 20:46:59

Without wanting to sound blunt and pardon the pun but you should probably stop fannying around and just get on with it - you'll have much bigger regrets about putting it off and then realising you've left it too late than regretting getting pregnant now and missing out on a few holidays

There was a news article on the TV just today about how ivf clinics need to be more upfront with older women of the success rates. Ivf can't "fix" everything and whilst it might get you pregnant there is no guarantees that you can stay pregnant at this point

Save yourself the heartache and just go for it

(I started ttc when I was around 30 years old - 4 miscarriages 1 near fatal ectopic and 1 failed round of ivf - I'm now 35)

Bloocy Tue 23-Apr-19 07:32:29

Its very person specific and no one size fits all. I’ve been lucky enough to conceive pretty easily at 35, 36 (mmc) and 37 (due in a few weeks!) whereas my sister has been trying since she was 32 and is now having to have ivf at 39.

There’s never a ‘right time’, you could always have a nicer or bigger house, more money, one last holiday just the 2 of you, but those things don’t have a time limit, whereas your fertility does. It’s up to you if you’re willing to risk it not happening.

KateyKube Tue 23-Apr-19 07:38:05

Its harder to get pregnant than you think. “Sort of” trying didn’t work for me at all. I had to work out when I was ovulating and have sex repeatedly in that window of time. And it still took a year. It doesn’t sound like you’ve really tried so perhaps diagnosing infertility and suggesting ivf is a bit premature.

Petitprince Tue 23-Apr-19 07:45:03

I'd do it now. I waited too long - ivf was much harder as a result. I wish I'd started at your age.

UnaOfStormhold Tue 23-Apr-19 07:56:33

If you are going for IVF then the age of your eggs does make a big difference. One option would be to go through IVF now but freeze all your embryos - that has a much better success rate than just freezing eggs and comparable to fresh cycles. That said, if you don't get many good embryos or if they don't implant you may find yourself trying again with older eggs and much lower chances of success.

scratchbass Tue 23-Apr-19 08:17:25

I would personally just crack on with it, you don't know how long it's going to take. Enjoy your time together, book a holiday, and get mentally prepared for June.

If you're thinking 'what if' now, then you'll probably be thinking the same after you've possibly missed your opportunity.

happytobemrsg Tue 23-Apr-19 08:19:41

I’ve seen too many friends struggle to conceive. I would 100% crack on now

Marlena1 Tue 23-Apr-19 08:23:04

If you really want children, I would get on with it. I was in a similar position when I met my partner at almost 34. I just got on with it as I didn't know how long it would take. Got pregnant quickly twice but I am glad as if I'd left it, I may not have been so lucky.

bitchfromhell Tue 23-Apr-19 08:25:49

Wait a year. Having a baby is the hardest thing you'll ever do and you can't take it back! Just have some time for yourselves, don't panic about fertility, ask to delay the ivf and get yourself straight first.

Chintaria Tue 23-Apr-19 10:10:17

I had my dc2 at 38, and my only regret is that I won’t have more time with her. I want to be there for major events in both my dc’s lives, for marriages, grandchildren etc. I only wish we had been lucky enough to have her earlier - it took us 6 years to have her, so we have a 7 year gap between the 2 dc.
If you know you want children then my advice would be to not hang about & just get on with it. You have time after children for other things, but your time to have children will only decrease the longer you leave it.
Good luck!

TheArtfulScreamer1 Tue 23-Apr-19 10:13:11

If IVF has been offered on the NHS I'd do it now and take the opportunity as PCTs are forever moving the goal posts on IVF funding, you may find that if you wait funding criteria has altered and you'll not qualify due to age or some other factor and some PCTs are withdrawing funding for IVF altogether saying it's a non essential non life saving etc treatment.
My IVF baby is 6 weeks old and yes life has changed but she is the centre of my world and I've never loved my DH more than I do now watching him with her.

BaweB Wed 24-Apr-19 08:23:00

I'm 34 and pregnant with my first with my dh who is just 38. We got married 4 months ago and ummed and ah-ed about when to start trying as we live abroad but are moving home, I won't have maternity pay, we'll be living in a one bed. Ultimately though, we decided that you just never know what's going to happen and we'd rather have a baby at a slightly less "convenient" time than wait and then have problems.

Having said that, it's hard. I'm only 10 weeks pregnant and struggling with sickness and exhaustion. There are times when I question WTF we're thinking and why I was in such a rush to get pregnant and how nothing will be the same again. But ultimately, I think there's never a perfect time to start trying and you won't regret having the baby so you just bite the bullet and start trying - especially if you have reason to believe it might not be straightforward.

Hope this helps x

seven201 Wed 24-Apr-19 17:22:56

I'd do it now.

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 24-Apr-19 17:28:16

Shouldn’t you be offered other treatment before ivf, fertility drugs or something? Sorry I don’t know much about it but I’ve heard Climie mentioned on here.

Has your DP been checked out?

TinklyLittleLaugh Wed 24-Apr-19 17:28:31

Clomid

UnaOfStormhold Wed 24-Apr-19 18:38:35

Clomid can help to stimulate ovulation, but I understand isn't recommended if a woman is ovulating.

minipie Wed 24-Apr-19 18:51:13

Agree with PP. If you are absolutely sure you want DC at some point, and you’re with the right person, financially stable etc then biologically it’s best to crack on now.

However - having dc is a whole different life. And about 1000% harder work. It’s ok to decide you quite like this new more comfortable life with DF and actually you’d rather continue that life and not have DC.

Just saying.

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