TTC #3 at 40, dh is 45 and wants to wait

[DNMummy]

I'm 40 with 2dd, ages 11 & 9. We are in a very lucky position, living in a 5bed and financially stable. DH is all for having #3 but wants to wait until next yr to try. We had DCs first try, he thinks it will happen quickly despite giving him stats of having a baby after 40. I turn 41 in 4months and in my mind decided I wouldn't TTC at 41, so we either try now or it isn't going to happen and I'll be OK with it. Am I being unreasonable? Dh reason for waiting is to save to buy another house to rent, which really isn't a priority, and he's starting a sister company, which he could still do with me being pregnant. Arrrrggghhh!!

[sassenach84]

I'm 34, conceived DD first cycle two years ago and now TTC #2 and in cycle 7... so I guess that means you never know how the next TTC will be.

Will not having a baby really save that much money for you? I know your other DC are older but perhaps you still have things left from their baby days and you may also have friends who can part with stuff. What I mean to say is, having a baby doesn't have to be expensive. Could there be another reason why DH doesn't want to TTC now? Maybe it's more about not having too many big things in his mind at the same time? Some people can feel very overwhelmed by having to deal with several 'projects' at the same time.

On the other hand, why the arbitrary limit of 41?

Best of luck in any case!

[Cleozeta]

I really wouldn't wait if this is what you both want, especially not holding off for silly reasons like that is likely to end in regret.
We started ttc just after my 40th birthday, now 42 with only a mmc an a cp to show for it. It's unlikely to happen for us now as my eggs have diminished and things are my cycles are not looking good. I conceived very easily at 33 & 35.
Things change after 40, even just subtly and it makes a difference. Things go downhill pretty quicky.
If you want this to happen you need to act now while there is still a chance. Sorry to be doom & gloom, but its how nature works sadly.

[DNMummy]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. We did think we would have another and have kept a lot of the main items 😁. Sassenach, I think you've hit the nail on the head with too many 'projects' going on at the same time!
The reason I've capped it off at 41, I think, is because I don't want to 'get in too deep' and face the prospect of trying and ending up in tears. I don't want it to consume my life, I guess it's my security net. If it doesn't happen for us by then, then it isn't meant to be. I can accept it and think, well we tried! Does it sound silly? I guess I'm trying to protect myself. We haven't mentioned it to anyone, as some may think we're too old, or have two already who are independent- why would we go through it all again?!
I really feel like this is the 'last chance' for us, the last few years we looked after a family member from diagnosis to passing of cancer, then grief - five years have flown. Sorry, writing it down has made me go into a bit of a tizz! I will however, relay some very valid points that the both of have made to DH, fingers crossed! xx

[Chocolateisfab]

I got pregnant at 42 on the third cycle of ttc . Tried again at 44 and mc's only.
I was lucky at 42. Don't wait too long ime op.

[Tolleshunt]

He's putting the cart before the horse. None of the other projects are time-limited in the way that ttc are. If ttc is the most important thing to you both, then you need to crack on ASAP, rather than wait for any arbitrary point where you feel other goals are sorted.

Are you sure he really wants another?

Or is he just not fully aware of the physical issues re fertility declining as women age? IME men usually aren't as clued up on this as women. Has he, perhaps, been swayed by celebs getting pregnant in their mid-forties, not realising that many/most will have had medical help at least, if not used donor eggs?

[DNMummy]

Thank you for responding, he is definitely on board and talks happily about being able to enjoy spending time with a baby, which he couldn't with dc2. He doesn't have any interest in celebs, he just thinks he has super swimmers (I cringe and laugh, every time!!). I tell him he may well be 'super' but I am aging!!
Having read the experiences of Cleozeta and Chocolateisfab it makes my heart ache, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I know the chances of me going through the same are all too high, so time is of the essence. I can picture it clearly in my mind and dcs are excited at the possibility of having a baby sibling. If it's meant to be hey! 🙏🏽

[sassenach84]

Just thought that one option could be to get some tests done as to your levels of egg reserve and the like. That might give you some answers though of course not definite.

[StarlightIntheNight]

I would definitely not wait. We got pregnant first and one try the first two kids. Now we are trying for a third (Im 36 and DH 44) and 7 cycles later still trying. I would not take the chance of waiting. Especially not after 38+ if you know you really want a third. Of course there are many who have babies in their 40s, but still don't wait. I am now worried we left it too late.