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Like talking to a brick wall

(31 Posts)
Juniperb123 Mon 18-Mar-19 22:24:00

Tried having the when are you ready for a baby chat a few months ago and hit a brick wall with shrugs and "I dunno" I've been with my partner for 7 years now. I tried to have the conversation with him in light hearted ways and in a serious sit down and talk like actual adults but I never seem to get an answer. I am 28 and have arthritis and currently doing fine but I know ill need to decide to have a child sooner rather than later, I don't think my joints are going to cope well with pregnancy in another 7 years time. I'm currently on cerazette and tried to have the conversation about coming off the pill and switching to condoms, so that my body would go back to normal for when the time is right for us to ttc, which led to another round of "I dunno" and shrugging... Feeling a bit down about it all, one minute he say things like "when we have children it'll look this this, or act like that" and the next minute it's like he won't even entertain the idea that in 12 months time we might revisit the "when do you want to have a baby conversation" any ideas?

babyfloof Mon 18-Mar-19 23:25:50

It sounds like he's not ready for a baby. Does he understand how your health issues might effect a pregnancy? How is your relationship besides this?

Juniperb123 Mon 18-Mar-19 23:58:15

Yes he understands that I wouldn't want to put my health at risk by going through a pregnancy really past the age of 30, that I would need to have one in the next couple of years to be on the safe side. I would like to be able to play on the floor with them without struggling to get up whilst they're little etc. Pregnancy is hard on your body and I don't want to be in agony for 9 months if I can help it.
He won't say he doesn't want a baby, but he also won't say when he would like a baby, not even rough time line, like 6 months, 2 years, 5 years etc.
Generally relationship is good, he can be on the lazy side sometimes and I find he regresses to acting like a teenager sometimes with play computer games until a stupid time in the morning. But nothing horrendous, but I feel like the lack of conversation about planning children to be a real issue, I've given him time and space. I've been clear with him that I would like to stop the pill so that when he is ready to ttc that I'm not waiting 18 months to start ovulating.
I just find it frustrating and upsetting, it does make me question if there is a future for us. I love him, but the thought of being unable to have a child because he waited too long really upsets me.
If he was just honest with me that would be fine but how can you have a conversation if the other person just sits there and shrugs it off

Kinsters Tue 19-Mar-19 04:29:07

I'd stop the pill if I were you. Obviously tell him about it but do stop taking it. It's totally reasonable to want to give your body a break from the hormones.

At the moment he sounds kind of non-committal either way? You going off the pill will force him to actually think about it and make a decision - either try for a baby or use condoms. At the moment you're the one taking the action and he's clearly happy to just sit back and maintain status quo without having to take any decisions himself. Just my two cents.

When we started trying for a baby it was my decision to get my coil taken out. I told DH that I'd made an appointment and that was that - he carried on having sex with me and that's how we decided to start trying when we did.

custardtarts Tue 19-Mar-19 08:13:42

Most men have a Peter Pan complex - they can't ever imagine growing up! I had these arguments with my husband - men don't seem to experience the passing of time like us women - in the end I just said look I've coming off the pill - there is no guarantees that we ll get pregnant the first month so you'll have some time to get your head round it.....I was right and it took us a couple of years including a 12 week miscarriage - once his sperm test results came back poor he agreed to ivf straight away.

I found getting him to agree to ttc nr 2 much much easier as he now knows how wonderful it is being a daddy x

Juniperb123 Tue 19-Mar-19 08:28:49

If he would just talk about it I wouldn't feel so frustrated, but he knows by avoiding the conversation I won't bring it up for a while he just says its a big decision and he needs time to think. I understand its a big decision but he won't discuss anything about it. Then you question whether he just won't ever want them. Is he just waiting it out until I think I'm not able to go through with a pregnancy and that'll make the decision for the both of us? I've always said I wouldn't want to be an older mum due to my condition, so I don't know why it's coming as a shock to him that I want to discuss this. I'm trying not to push him but I feel like turning around and saying I'm coming off the pill here's some condoms, now it's upto you. It's not like we can't afford it, he lives in my house and I'm the main breadwinner

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 19-Mar-19 08:31:53

I think he's saying loud and clear that he doesn't want a child. And he's stringing you along knowing the clock is ticking.

Would you stay with him if he said that he didn't want a child at all?

Kinsters Tue 19-Mar-19 08:39:33

Just try telling him you've come off the pill and see what he does. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. If he really, really doesn't want kids he can make that decision to use condoms or pull out. If he's just fence sitting then he'll go along with it.

My DH was probably a fence sitter when I got my coil out and for the first few TTC cycles but now he's really excited to start our family (if it ever happens - 8 months, 2 chemicals and 1 miscarriage down the road).

Palace13 Tue 19-Mar-19 08:55:03

Unless he actively says to you that he wants to have a baby, you have to assume he doesn't. Or certainly not yet.
Is he your soulmate who you couldn't live without, so you'd be prepared to give up the idea of motherhood to stay with him?
If not, it's time to put your cards on the table: "I want to have a baby, it's not negotiable for me, and because of my health I don't want to wait".
You have then been absolutely honest with him, and the ball's in his Court.
If he doesn't come back with an enthusiastic agreement you have your answer.
Just don't fgs, "accidentally " get pregnant. It could work out, but chances are that way misery and resentment lie.
Good luck. You're not being unreasonable to want to be a mother!!

Juniperb123 Tue 19-Mar-19 08:56:28

I'm not sure I could stay with him to be honest if that meant I would never be able to have a child. That would leave too much of a hole in my life. I just don't know if he would ever be on board with trying for a baby. Even though he says he would want one at some point, but will never specify when

RooKangaroo Tue 19-Mar-19 09:06:43

I'm sorry, OP, that sounds so hard and frustrating. You must feel like you're in limbo and not sure what to do.

I agree with others above about putting your cards on the table and forcing it out into the open more. He's clearly had some time to think about this and if the conversation keeps going away he'll think (naturally) that he can keep doing that for a while. So I don't know if anything will change unless you change it x

Bumpingalong84 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:25:21

I agree with @Kinsters. I gave my husband plenty of warning before coming off the pill four years ago. I told him the exact date I was coming off and told him on the day, 2months later we were pregnant. He was so very excited and scared. We are now TTC number 2 if he had it his way we would already had one by now 😂 he is baby mad. He just needed that little push because I think they can be so scared but deal with it differently. It worked for us, I hope you get some sense out of him soon 🤞

deathbycats Tue 19-Mar-19 09:40:28

That sounds awful OP. If he's not saying he wants a baby, you need to assume he doesn't. Given that he knows your medical situation, he's been very mean to not tell you outright what his position is - possibly he knows that you wouldn't choose to be childless to stay with him, so he's sticking his head in the sand over it.

If I were you - I'd come off the pill to allow your body to adjust back (tell him, obviously, and use condoms instead), and lay it out that having a baby soon (or not) is a deal breaker for you, and that you don't have time for him to be having a think and never actually discussing it.

Yes to the PP who says don't "accidentally" get pregnant. It'll be a pain in the arse having a man like this forced into fatherhood - you say the worst he does is be lazy and stay up late playing video games. Tolerable now, nightmare when there's a baby involved.

Juniperb123 Tue 19-Mar-19 17:41:34

No I'm not the kind of person to get "accidentally pregnant" which is why it's so important to me that he actually has a conversation with me

AndBeholdAWhiteHorse Tue 19-Mar-19 18:07:14

I just want to say that I have been in your position and it is horrible. I felt I had to make the decision alone and whilst I, like you, did not want to "accidentally" get pregnant on purpose I came off my contraception and said I wouldn't be using any. I bought condoms and they don't get used and he knows the score. In a recent conversation initiated by him (I had given up!) he tells me he is actually a little excited.

It may not be the way you want it done but give him the choice and see what comes of it. Just be prepared that it may not be the way you hope. I was "lucky"??!

Juniperb123 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:36:58

Had the conversation this morning, my pill pack runs out next weekend, I'll buy some condoms. To be greeted with a grunt and sulky "okay."

Juniperb123 Sun 24-Mar-19 11:54:11

Now he's decided to have an opinion and said he wants me to stay on the pill as its less risky than condoms sigh I've said both are 99% effective. Feel like shaking him sometimes. Just fed up with conversations that leads nowhere. Feel pretty down about it all, starting to think he'll never be ready for a child and I'm stuck in a relationship going nowhere. He's never had to make any big decisions. I've never wanted to get married as I feel like I'd rather have children and a house together than spend money on a wedding day and he was fine with this. We live in my house, it's the one I grew up in and he's not on the mortgage, so he's never had to make the big life decisions and now I feel like it's coming back to bite me in the ass. It's like now I'm asking him to make a big decision he wants to bury his head in the sand and hope I'll stop asking him

lunabody Sun 24-Mar-19 12:07:48

What did you say in the conversation? Was it "I want to come off the pill", or was it "I want to come off the pill so we can start trying for a baby in a few months"?

He doesn't seem to have got the baby part, and I think you need to tackle this head on. Don't put the ball in his court for 'when he's ready to ttc' - it doesn't sound like having a child is on his mind like it is for you, so every time you open the conversation he'll say he needs to think about it, and then he's not bothering thinking about it. You've said this is a deal breaker for you - make sure he understands that.

My DH is the same with decisions, takes absolutely ages to get around to anything, and I have to take the bull by the horns to get us moving forward. Annoying that it's always me, but he's lovely enough in other ways that I'm willing to take it on for our partnership. Is it something you can live with?

Tomtontom Sun 24-Mar-19 12:13:29

He doesn't want to have a baby with you in the time frame that you want to have a baby. Sorry, that's what it comes down to though. If you're set on having a baby in the near future, you need to find someone that feels the same.

Juniperb123 Sun 24-Mar-19 12:22:39

The previous conversation was that I didn't want him to be ready to ttc in a year or twos time and be unable to because it might take me more than a year to get my body able to do so as I've been on injection or pills pretty much constant since I was 16. The time I came off the injection it took over 6 months just to get some light spotting. When he wouldn't have the conversation last week and kept saying he would think about it, I decided I'd leave him for a week and if he doesn't talk to me about it, I'd tell him that I was coming off the pill in a week and that I'd buy condoms. I've always told him since I was diagnosed years ago that I wouldn't want to be pregnant past 30 so none of this has come as a surprise. I've explained that it can take time to ttc so I would like my body to be ready when he is. But I'm starting to think he never will be, but he won't ever say that he doesn't want children, will just say he doesn't want them now

Juniperb123 Sun 24-Mar-19 12:36:43

Also I don't want to say "if you don't want children then I'm going to leave you" I feel like that is asking for trouble, I don't want him to feel forced into it and then blame me when he has a unwanted child

Kinsters Sun 24-Mar-19 13:04:49

Hard to tell from your post but how did you frame it? If you're saying that you'll go out and buy condoms then you're still taking on the responsibility of birth control so he's still not taking that decision himself, right? He's just agreeing with you to continue using birth control but probably thinks the pill is better.

It could be more than fear of decision making though and I'd have a proper serious chat with him about your future if I were you. Late 20s is a totally reasonable time to be discussing things like this.

Its not an ultimatum to discuss if your life plans are sufficiently aligned to make it worthwhile to continue the relationship... it's just a discussion about your future.

Juniperb123 Sun 24-Mar-19 13:33:57

The conversation last week was basically along the lines of I would like to stop the pill and start using condoms. I want to be able to get my body back to normal as the last time I came off contraceptives I didn't have a period for more than 6 months. If you decide that you want a baby in a year or 2 I would like to my body to be back to normal so I can actually get pregnant. I told him about my sister struggling once she came off the pill it took a couple of years and help from the gp to be able to get pregnant and I don't want to have to go through that. Im coming to the end of my pills and I want us to use condoms until youre ready. How would you feel about using condoms? I basically got no response, just a shrug and dunno I need to think about it. Today he didn't say much other than "okay" when I said the pack runs out next weekend I'll buy condoms. Then later decided he wants me to stay on the pill... About 18 months ago we were having discussions about children and we both agreed that if I could manage 12 months arthritis flare free, we'll ttc I've now been doing really well and I'm starting to think that he just thought I wouldn't ever be flare up free for that long and he would get a get out of jail free card and never have to discuss it. I'm not even telling him I want to ttc right now, just I want us to think about it in the next year or 2. But his lack of wanting to discuss it now that it could be a reality is really starting to frustrate me. I feel like if I stay in this relationship I may never be a mother, if he can't even think about ttc in the next couple of years. I don't want to throw away this relationship, but it is starting to become upsetting when he has always said he wants children and when my condition settled down he would like to try and now he's acting like we're 16 and I'm asking for a baby and he's not grown up enough to deal with it. I'm struggling to talk to him now, am I just dating a man child who wants to play computer games and do whatever he wants, will he never want to take the next step with me, or will he decide when it's too late for me and then be annoyed that I'm not willing to give him children when I'm older and my condition is worse.

Shortandsweet96 Sun 24-Mar-19 13:37:40

My DP has always been vocal about wanting children by the time he was 30.

Hes nearly 32 now, when I decided I was ready I let him know and he suddenly completely shut down and I also got the 'I dunno' phase. It ended up with a couple of frustrated arguments about why he couldn't talk to me about it then we set a date to start trying. It's been 7 months now and no joy. DP also said he didn't believe me when I said it can take up to 12 months for healthy couple to conceive. I'm was a smoker and various other issues that dont make me AS healthy as some fertility wise, so its expected. But he said if he had believed me in the first place he would have wanted to start trying sooner.

I think they just get cold feet when the reality of it all sets in. Give it timesmile

Kinsters Sun 24-Mar-19 14:18:25

Is there a particular reason he doesn't want a baby at the moment? You sound pretty sorted in terms of where you're living etc.

I'd imagine that the key point he took away from your conversation was "I don't want to TTC right now" and so his need to make a decision was kicked into the long grass again..

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