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39, new relationship - not sure what to do about becoming a Mum!

(7 Posts)
littleflybuzz Tue 26-Feb-19 21:45:34

Not sure if I'm in the right place but you all seem lovely!

I'm 39, been single for 8 years so gave up on the kids thing to be honest.

Suddenly last year a guy who was a friend for a while (and only 29) and I fell in love. It was unexpected and he's lovely (and sometimes more mature than me!).

It's been a year and we're very happy and just started doing some bits of travel together and lovely things.

Suddenly it's hit me that it's my last chance perhaps to have kids. Problem is as he's young he doesn't get it... He actually thought we could wait 6 years and then try... That was a brief conversation after a few drinks. He said I'm the first person he's been with that he's thought of having kids with and has a list of baby names! But he's just started a good career and shares a flat with two guys. I live with my parents as I'm in the arts and rent in London was so pricey. I'm pretty broke.

Anyway - I'm 50/50 on having a baby. It's the first time in a decade I've thought it could be a possibility so it all feels new. But I guess we'd need to start trying sooner rather than later. I just have no idea how to have that conversation with him. I'm worried he'll say no or panic (though he's lovely and easy to talk to. I'm worried if I leave it, it'll be too late and I'll regret it).

Doesn't help that loads of people around me keep reminding me to hurry up and constantly questioning my age/lifestyle choices. It's so rude!

It's actually depressing me a lot. I don't want to lose my freedom yet or push my boyfriend away or into a situation he's not ready for, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on what sounds like an incredible experience and I love kids and have started to feel a bit teary if friends announce they are pregnant!

whyhaveidonethis Tue 26-Feb-19 22:33:04

Hiya. I feel for you. I have 3 DC but I'm in a fairly new relationship and as I'm 40 we decided to TTC together less than a year into our relationship. It's not ideal. We live 140 miles apart and if I was younger we would wait but but at my age we have decided to just go for it. Unfortunately it's been difficult and 5 cycles later we are still trying.

I have no advice but wanted to not read and run.

Mocha3105 Wed 27-Feb-19 02:06:56

I'm in a relationship of 18mths and have 2 boys with my ex (11 and 7) New partner doesn't have children and would love a baby. I wasn't really 'done' after 2 but decided against a 3rd with the ex. I'm seriously considering ttc with new partner but when it's been mentioned previously to my friends I've had lots of negative comments about my age, 38 in Sept, starting again etc
Came to find some support and to support others in a similar position x

Butteredghost Wed 27-Feb-19 02:27:34

Firstly, don't listen to anyone questioning your lifestyle! Being child free is a great choice and it's not their business anyway.

That said, if your boyfriend does want to have kids, but in 6 years, then you two will end up breaking up and he'll get a younger partner and have them. Sorry to be cynical but I've seen it a 1000 times.

I guess it depends if it's worth it to you to get a 6 year relationship out of it.

I'm not saying that in a sarcastic way. A 6 year relationship isn't nothing. Maybe it is worth it if you are happy and decide you aren't fussed about kids. But if you do want them it will really sting to see him wheeling a pram around the neighbourhood with his 25yo wife by his side.

But I know it's not easy to meet someone. And being single is great but it can be lonely, especially after a few years.

physicskate Wed 27-Feb-19 07:13:43

If you can't have the conversation with him, you can't ttc with him. Ttc can be incredibly stressful, never mind actually being a parent. You need open and honest communication.

And it's totally fine if your relationship is great, but you can't have this convo - it's a difficult one to have!!

But you know that if you really want to become a mother, you need to crack on urgently... so it's time to put some big girl pants on, have the conversation, decide to go it alone, or decide to remain childless by choice, as you have been doing already.

AnotherEmma Wed 27-Feb-19 07:28:17

Ignoring the younger boyfriend who isn't ready to have a baby for just a moment...

I'm 39
I live with my parents
I'm pretty broke
I'm 50/50 on having a baby

Just stop and think rationally for moment. Consider that hormones and social pressure might be clouding your judgement. I think you need to do some soul searching about what you really want. If you do want a baby, are you willing to move out of London to somewhere you can afford? Are you willing to push your boyfriend to TTC before he's really ready, adding pressure to a relatively new relationship before you've had chance to test it by living together? Would you be willing to take the risk of being a single parent if things don't work out? If you're not both ready to be parents now, would you consider other options in future (adoption is probably the only option, realistically, although you could also freeze some eggs now and hope you might be able to use them).

Staying child-free is a perfectly valid choice. But if you do want children after all (considering all of the above) you need to talk to him very honestly. He needs to get real here - if he wants children one day and wants to stay with you, it's now or never. If he doesn't want to TTC very soon, he has to accept that the most likely outcome is that you two won't be able to have biological children. If he is happy to adopt or stay child-free, great. But if he is sure that he definitely wants children one day, just not now with you, I think there's a risk he will leave you when he's ready for children and can't easily have them with you. Sorry.

littleflybuzz Thu 28-Feb-19 18:46:07

Thanks for the advice. I can have honest conversations with him, I am just putting it off because I’m understandably nervous about what he’s thinking. I hadn’t made it clear to him how fertility declines he assumed we had a while (hence thinking I could at 45) and I’ve told him today that we would have to try now - we’ve agreed to have an honest chat about it next time we meet up. So that’s good - no idea what the outcome will be but relieved I’ve brought it up.

Some of the comments on here have upset me as they are quite harsh but I guess it’s nothing I hadn’t thought already! Have just been feeling so alone with it all that’s it’s been nice to shared so thank you x

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