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Conflicts on plans of Who to tell first IF I get pregnant

(22 Posts)
Daniellebt Tue 22-May-18 00:02:46

Hello
Newbie here
My partner and I are on cycle 1 and as advised by the net we had a chat about who we would tell if I conceived. I would want to tell my mum and sister only as I'm so close to them. But my partner doesn't want me to tell a soul and wants to keep it as a private special secret. Whilst I am respectful of his wishes I know this would be so hard for me but if I told them it would come out and he would be upset. What's your opinion on this ? Thanks folks 😁

AmazingPostVoices Tue 22-May-18 00:11:45

This is the very first of a million joint decisions you will need to make as a couple once you have a child.

Joint parenting means joint decisions. Which often means compromise.

You need to agree together. You can’t just overrule him and vice versa.

Personally I’d keep my powder dry for the stuff that’s really important to me but that’s just me.

Daniellebt Tue 22-May-18 00:17:45

That's really helpful thank you, we have discussed and agreed on a lot so this is just a little issue I have. smile

littleneepo Tue 22-May-18 00:23:04

Yep, you should agree together what you do. Do you know how long he would want you to wait until you did say something to them? Perhaps you could agree to keep it private until, say, 8 weeks then tell your Mum & sis as a compromise?
Personally I did tell my mum, sis & best friend with every pregnancy I’ve had (right from the moment of the first faint blue line). In the end so pleased I did as I have had two miscarriages out of 4 pregnancies and them knowing I was pregnant already made it so much easier for me to tell them & them to be there and support me when it went wrong... sorry for the downer! Good luck talking to your partner

AmazingPostVoices Tue 22-May-18 00:23:13

There’s always compromise to be found. Eg you keep it secret until 8 week (or whenever) and tell your DM and Dsis then but no one else until 12 weeks.

mummmy2017 Tue 22-May-18 00:33:47

You wait... he could break first and just tell people as soon as you know...please don't make it a big issue and enjoy your news when it happens.

Daniellebt Tue 22-May-18 00:46:56

@littleneepo
That's really helpful thank you. He wants to tell my family at three months, but I feel this will be really hard for me to keep inside. Mostly because I know the first three months are dreadful and you are feeling so ill and tired so with me being a bit of a drama queen it's going to be hard to keep quiet. Plus I'd really like some support from my sister who has a little one in that time period.
The reason he wants to keep it a secret because he believes it's bad luck to tell people in the family earlier. Also he doesn't have a good relationship with his mum or sister so maybe that's why she feels like this?

Daniellebt Tue 22-May-18 00:48:33

@AmazingPostVoices
Yes I think we will have to have a proper chat about this as we only had a brief talk tonight. I would really love my sister to know and I want to try and see if he can understand this but he can't I will respect his wishes.

Daniellebt Tue 22-May-18 00:50:28

@@mummmy2017
Of course I would respect his wishes if that's what he wanted. It would just mean a lot if I could share it with one person, if that makes sensesmile

littleneepo Tue 22-May-18 00:52:09

You’re right, you will need support and probably will have a 100 million questions during the first 12 weeks about what’s happening to your body & the baby.
I guess that’s the way to sell it to him - about the support from your sis especially with her having a little one recently

littleneepo Tue 22-May-18 01:00:18

Also there’s no way that telling people will affect the outcome of the pregnancy!
The ‘rule’ of 12 weeks comes about as the change of miscarriage dramatically drops after then. So it makes sense (to me at least) for wider family & friends to not know until then as it would be tough having to tell everyone If something had gone wrong, but for close family personally I think it’s a different story. But such a personal decision!

Daniellebt Tue 22-May-18 01:00:19

@littleneepo
Yes that's where I'm coming from , I know there are much bigger issues that will come up but this is just a little one for now. I think that's how I'll put it to him so thanks for thatsmile

Sparkles1992 Tue 22-May-18 01:27:40

No way would I be able to not tell my mum and sister. I think it's mean of him to ask you not to, if you're very close to them I'm sure they'll guess anyway.

lapenguin Tue 22-May-18 06:49:08

In all fairness you only have to keep it secret for two months as you are already a month gone by the time yiu find out 😁 that's what kept me going! Maybe get an early scan (if you can spare the money, they aren't cheap) at about 8 weeks and if all is well then tell one person each? Then tell everyone else at 12? I had to tell some people at work as I needed to make modifications, so sometimes it can be hard to not tell a soul.

HidCat Tue 22-May-18 07:26:44

My husband is the same. Concerned about something going wrong. We told our immediate family (2 of whom told others!) and I told my best friend which meant that when I had a Miscarriage at 11 weeks we had support. He could talk to people too, not just me. I tried not telling any more friends about the MC but over time we've been more open about it as we had to tell work due to constant appointments afterwards and there have been situations where I've struggled emotionally (baby showers for example). When we get pregnant again I've told my husband that I will tell a couple of people as I will need support to keep me from stressing out but we won't be telling absolutely everyone until 12 weeks.

Who and how many people you tell is very personal but if you were to miscarry I would guess that you would need the support of your Mum and Sister and your partner may want to have someone too.

QueenofmyPrinces Tue 22-May-18 08:30:57

With baby number 1 I told my sister that same day that I told my husband which he wasn’t best pleased about to be honest.

With baby number 2 I told my sister three days before I even told DH.....he doesn’t know that though.

We told our other friends/families following our 12 week scans.

SoyDora Tue 22-May-18 08:37:02

I think the ‘bad luck’ thing is pretty offensive to people who have suffered mc’s... the implication being that it’s there fault for telling people/buying baby items etc. If a mc is going to happen, it will happen whether you have told people or not. So for me the consideration is would you tell those people/need support from them if you had a mc? If yes, then there’s no harm in telling them that you’re pregnant.
We didn’t tell anyone until 12 weeks with our first because we lived abroad and didnt really need to IYSWIM? I’m currently 8 weeks with number 3 and have told a few friends and my mum, mainly because I’ve been really struggling with sickness and they’d noticed something was ‘wrong’. It means they’re offering to help me out with my DD’s etc so I can get some rest.

Stephisaur Tue 22-May-18 09:37:24

Drama Queen here (you'd think I was the only woman to have ever been pregnant!) who works with her parents and hasn't told them yet.

It's actually surprisingly easy to keep quiet. DH and I like to think of this pregnancy as our little secret. We can get excited when we're on our own, without the world and his mate chiming in. My parents are particularly nosy and will be a nightmare once we actually tell them!

We've also chosen to keep quiet until the scan as we still can't quite believe there's a baby in there. Once we see it, it'll be more real. I also hold the personal opinion that if I have a MC then I can choose whether to tell my Mum about it, I don't HAVE to talk about it if I don't want to.

I certainly don't think it's bad luck to tell before 12 weeks. It's what my Sister usually does (and she has 4 healthy children)

BuntyII Tue 22-May-18 09:51:21

It's your body, tell people when you want. He doesn't get to rule over you during the whole pregnancy.

MrsBartlettforthewin Tue 22-May-18 12:23:26

My mum and dad guessed I was pregnant all three times. It is incredibly hard to keep secret from people who you are really close to as they will notice the little changes in you.

I'd agree to keep it secret but make it clear that if they ask you out right you aren't going to lie to them.

Mueslibox Tue 22-May-18 12:26:25

Also, there is nothing wrong with telling people if you have mc! (If you want to that is!) My friends and I were very open about ours, and that’s how we realised it had happened to almost everyone in our extended group of friends and so we felt much more ‘normal’ about it, that it was so common and almost like a shared experience.

Hengine Tue 22-May-18 12:52:18

I couldn’t have got through the first 12 weeks without my mum and sisters support.
And if my partner wanted me to go through it without support from close relatives who have gone through pregnancy I would be very upset
I agree you have to compromise but it’s not about the joint baby- it’s about a pregnancy which is yours alone.

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