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Emotional wreck

(19 Posts)
CLB540 Mon 12-Mar-18 12:16:54

Myself and husband have been trying for a baby for over a year and havent told anyone. My mum goes on about us having kids everytime i see her but she is a worrier and feel like she will be watching me like a hawk to see if i am pregnant so just brush off her comments.
We have had the usual tests and so far everything is fine. Last night while having a mothers day meal my sister in law and brother give out gifts and its a baby scan. They reveal they are expecting. She said she came off the pill 1st jan and found out she was expecting on the 29th jan.
Although i am pleased for them i cant help feeling deep sadness and the tears wont stop coming. Its ultimately that i am jealous at how easy its been and how crappy it is for us. I cant shake the feeling of how i feel and husband just said it will happen for us but that really isnt helping. Why cant he see how its making me feel.

Emma198 Mon 12-Mar-18 12:46:09

I feel for you. I'm so sorry you're in this position and can absolutely understand why you're so upset about your Sister in Law. Try to stay positive and keep doing all you can do. I know you're worried about your Mum but maybe talking to her about it might make it easier. We've been trying since November/December, two of my friends got pregnant in December one accidentally and have just announced and I can't help but wonder why that isn't me. It's normal but doesn't help us xx

CLB540 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:07:58

Thank you emma198.
All of my close friends have taken 3 months max to concieve and now i keep thinking whats wrong with me and what am i doing wrong.
I want to talk to her but dont want her worrying or being upset. All she has wanted is to be a nanny by her baby girl (me)
I also dont want to take the limelight off of them at thier special time as this is not about me.
But does crying in private really help at all?
I am in my fertile phase right now and having sex is the last thing i want to do but i know i have to if i want a baby.
Baby making sex is taking its toll on the both us as it is and is certainly not that enjoyable for either of us so i hope this extra upset doesnt have a knock on effect

Emma198 Mon 12-Mar-18 13:37:48

Crying alone doesn't help makes things better but sometimes you can't help it and that's OK. You've probably tried this already, but we've decided no thinking about it, no tracking, just relaxing and having sex often to take the pressure off.

My husband doesn't feel it the same as me, he really wants a baby but it doesn't floor him like it floors me when I realise I'm not each month, I take it as a personal failure and definitely need to give myself a break. X

CLB540 Mon 12-Mar-18 14:10:14

Thats how we started with it all but as time has gone on i am using a ovulation app and sticks. I have had the initial blood tests and all is fine with me so far. Awaiting his sperm test results (due today) if all fine i will then go for ultra sounds and dye in my tubes to check for blockages.
Thank you for your kind words and i wish you lots of luck 2 xx

Emma198 Mon 12-Mar-18 14:51:23

Good luck with your results today xx

lilly28 Mon 12-Mar-18 15:12:31

Hi, dear. I'm so sorry that you have to face this terrible situation. I understand why it is so hard for you to face all this. But you have to stay strong. You should not be jealous of their happiness. She's your sister in law. You should be happy for her. If you remain jealous of her, you might feel more depressed. You shouldn't go through depression at this time of your life. You have to keep faith in yourself. Only then you will be able to take a step for yourself. If you think that trying to conceive naturally is not going well, then try to find alternates. Maybe you can do some research on surrogacy or IVF. Find some good clinics to get yourself treated from. But first, visit your doctor. Take an expert opinion for yourself. I hope everything goes well. Good luck!

Peachy92 Mon 12-Mar-18 16:06:02

I think you should always have a little cry on your own if you get a chance, followed by a nice hot bath or shower to soothe the face and head afterwards. The feeling of being upset comes out a lot more with tears, it's keeping them in that makes you feel emotional. Nothing wrong with getting upset and letting it out. Why make yourself feel worse holding it in - for who's sake? Most of us on here TTC have taken longer than we thought, seems so easy trying NOT to have a baby compared to making one. And there's always someone, family or friend that "beats us to it". Whatever makes you feel happy when you feel crappy is my best answer. Some run, some cry, some binge... some do a mixture. Normally venting on here on a bad day! Hope you feel better, have some you time hun xx

SqidgeBum Mon 12-Mar-18 18:35:36

The exact same thing happened to me. We are 8 months TTC. My SIL, who never wanted kids, gave us a scan at Christmas. They got pregnant first try, first month. It killed me. I literally cried all night and for days after. It has taken me two months to properly stop being jealous, but it has been hard as she keeps saying 'have a baby so they can be the same age as each other!! I have been involved in the pregnancy too, she tells me everything about the baby as it grows because we get along really well. It has taken me a lot of time to be happy for her.

I say just cry, give yourself time, cuddle with your DH, and then think 'my time will come'. Everytime I feel that heavy sadness I said to myself 'Fate, Fate' to remind myself there is a baby in the future, my baby, and it will come at some point.

Merrz Mon 12-Mar-18 18:52:36

Aww OP, I really feel for you. I'm in exactly the same situation, can't offer any advice just sympathy. It's so so hard ☹

Mizzworthy1 Mon 12-Mar-18 18:55:24

I understand how you feel. We've been trying a long time for number 2 and number 1 took. A long time to conceive. Close relatives of ours fell pregnant in the first month of trying. I was very happy for them and although jealous I don't begrudge them. I felt immensely pissed off listening the bloke sitting joking about how humans being infertile would be the best thing to happen to the planet whilst him and his wife sat lovingly rubbing her belly though. He was amazed I didn't think him hilarious. It's very hard ttc when it's not happening. I think it's the biggest test of resilience I've dealt with.

stellarfox Mon 12-Mar-18 19:29:57

Totally understand how horrible that is. Life is not fair but you’ve just got to brush it off (once you’ve had a good cry) and keep trying and it will happen for you! It will be lovely for your baby to have a cousin a similar age! Good luck and hope you feel better soon

CLB540 Tue 13-Mar-18 12:51:41

Thank you all for you kind words. This has helped me get throught the last day. Knowing that people understand how you feel made me feel so much better.
Just had a call from DH and the doctors have asked to see him or speak to him over the phone about his test (sperm test) i dont think its going to be good news because why would they want to see /speak to him if all is fine.

Booked for tomorrow at 12 (going to be the longest 24 hours wait in history)

Feel like everything is falling apart now bit by bit.

SoozC Tue 13-Mar-18 13:05:52

Sorry you've been struggling.

Sometimes finding a "problem" can be a good thing because then it can be dealt with in some way. Having unexplained fertility can be difficult because often you're tools just to go away and keep trying as there's no reason it hasn't happened.

It took me 20 cycles to conceive (unfortunately ended in mc at 7 weeks). We're trying again, 4 cycles in now. My best advice is allow yourself to feel sad and cry, as long as it is at your own situation (e.g. don't think of those who have conceived while you're upset). Then, if you feel jealous of others, put on a brave face. You will find it is genuine after a while. I have a friend who is due a week after I would have been. I was jealous at first but value her friendship so made sure I asked to see the scans and I talk to her about it and I can now do that without feeling any hurt at all, just happiness and excitement for her.

It is a difficult, terrible thing to go through. But remember you're not alone here, use us to vent. We didn't tell anyone we were ttc but after the mc I felt I wanted people to know. It has made me feel so supported, you may find your mum will support you too.

Good luck and big hugs x

Vivianascott Wed 14-Mar-18 13:43:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CLB540 Wed 14-Mar-18 14:22:41

Thank you all for your positive thoughts. We have just had the devastating news that 100% of my husbands sperm is defected at the head meaning we have little to no chance of conceiving naturally.

We have to go to the doctors now and get reffered for IVF but was told that it is almost impossible to get it on the NHS these daya despite us fitting the criteria perfectly.

I now feel that i cant tell me family as i dony want to overshadow my brother and sister in-laws news as this is thier happy time and dont want to ruin it. I feel very alone

Stephisaur Wed 14-Mar-18 20:29:45

Oh sweet 💐 so sorry to hear this, I had everything crossed for you ☹️

Have a cry with your husband, talk to him about it - this is something you are going through together 💕 I hope they’re able to get IVF for you xxx

Hope137 Wed 14-Mar-18 20:59:13

I'm so sorry @CLB540, I really feel for you. I understand how you feel but I don't think you would be overshadowing your brother and sister-in-law if you wanted to talk to family about your situation - it isn't your fault that it has happened at the same time and it's only natural to want support at a time like this. Perhaps you could just talk to your Mum or somebody else you feel close to. I hope you and your husband can talk it through and I'm wishing you the very best.

ApplesTheHare Wed 14-Mar-18 21:03:50

So sorry to hear this OP. That sounds heartbreaking. It's horrible to be happy for others but also so sad at the same time. I really hope you get your IVF referral flowers In the meantime, I'm sure your family would rather you spoke to them than felt alone. It might also help them to be sensitive when talking about the other pregnancy, otherwise they might be quite unintentionally insensitive.

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