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I don't know if I want children bu my partner does

(4 Posts)
evian76 Thu 08-Feb-18 11:11:21

Hello, I'm new to Mumsnet, but I often read threads and find them very helpful so thought I'd ask for advice as I feel so lost. I am 42 and incredibly happy with the most wonderful man in the world. He wants children and I just don't know if I do. I desperately want to make him happy and I don't want to lose him. I have had miscarriages before and had a very difficult time with PTSD getting over them. I think this has made me distant to the idea. I know the risks are high for me but I am worried that he will leave me if I don't have a baby with him, or worse, he will stay with me but never truly be happy. I love him and feel that I can't take away his chance for a family, he would be an incredible father, he's the kindest most loving person I have met xx

QueenAravisOfArchenland Thu 08-Feb-18 12:04:26

I'm not sure what you are hoping people will say, tbh...? If you are definitely on opposite sides re: desire for children, then there probably isn't a future for your relationship. You should absolutely not have children for someone else, especially when you will bear the burden of pregnancy, birth, and probably the majority of raising them.

TBH, at age 42 a) you would probably have figured out long ago if you DID want kids - I think it's fairly safe to say at this stage that you don't; b) it's not unlikely that door has closed for you, unless you use donor eggs. More miscarriages would also be highly likely, which would traumatise you further.

I'm not sure there's a way forward for your relationship unless your DP can search his soul and say for sure he wants to be with you more than he wants kids.

peachesarenom Thu 08-Feb-18 12:46:09

Hi OP! I've had a traumatic miscarriage too. I was wondering is it the fear of miscarriage pain that is putting you off or the idea of being responsible for a child?

I'm scared of having another miscarriage. I had no idea they were so painful and the process so prolonged. I want to be a mum though so will defo try again. Not sure I'd cope with a second though.

Lottapianos Thu 08-Feb-18 13:00:42

OP, I feel for you. You're in a difficult situation. It does sound very much like you either don't want children, or are highly ambivalent about having them. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. Not everyone fits neatly into either 'desperately wanting' or 'definitely not wanting' when it comes to children.

I know you are very happy with this man, and you want to stay in this relationship, but your post is mainly about him. This is a time to be very clear-headed (if you can) about what YOU want. A pregnancy would involve your body, your hormones, your wellbeing, your career, and having a baby will likely impact your future way more than his. That's a hell of a lot to gamble on something you're not sure you want in the first place. There are still so many messages telling women that having children is the only real future, the only thing that can make you happy. It can be hard to block all that out

I would suggest having another conversation with him, and making him aware of how you feel. At 42, even if you did try, there's absolutely no guarantee you would be successful. I'm sorry you're in this position

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