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How do you handle the constant questions?

(23 Posts)
PumpkinPatch000 Sun 17-Dec-17 16:22:18

Hi everyone,

I expect many of you have been in the same position as me where you are often asked 'when are you going to have a baby?', 'you've been married a while now, when are you starting a family?', 'do you want children?' and so on....

The constant questions and pressure from people drives me crazy and since we actually started trying i'm finding it hard to brush of these questions. How do you respond?

I even find people who don't know me particularly well ask too... it's so awkward! x

Mrsjones17 Sun 17-Dec-17 18:09:09

After 13 cycles of TTC with not even the hint of a BFP I have found the best way to deal with the question is to ask an equally inappropriate questions back to point out how 1) it's kind of their bussiness and 2) you shouldn't ask people. It may seem rude but it soon shuts people up!

sophherts Sun 17-Dec-17 18:20:41

I do something similar to the pp, I tell them about my miscarriage and it shuts them up and they don't ask again!

LoveTheBear85 Sun 17-Dec-17 20:51:23

Over the last couple of days I am having to field more of these questions. Must be the time of year. So far I have just smiled and said one day/all in good time. That seems to shut the conversation down (with the exception of my 98 yr old gran grin).

CupcakeEater Sun 17-Dec-17 21:06:24

With family, I made it really clear it was none of their business from the off. If I feel people are just making small talk I'll say 'one day'. Having been TTC for 3 years, I have found myself being more and more honest with family (excluding those that would want an update every time they see me as that would do my head in) so there a handful of close friends/family that now know, which helps as they steer conversation away from baby chat...

PumpkinPatch000 Sun 17-Dec-17 21:08:22

Maybe it is the time of year!

Since posting this I’ve had a text from a friend asking me as well.. it’s endless!!! It makes it worse when people who have children ask... you’d think they would understand!

@MrsJones17 maybe I should try that tactic too and people will stop asking!

@sophherts so sorry to hear about your miscarriage sad it must be even worse being asked when you have been through that

X

PumpkinPatch000 Sun 17-Dec-17 21:16:49

@LoveTheBear85 I usually say something like that too! I find it’s not long and they start asking again though

@CupcakeEater it’s good you have some people around you who know so they can give you support and change the subject if need be. Sorry to hear you have been TTC for 3yrs, I hope you get your BFP soon. I don’t mind so much if family mention it because they kind of hint rather than outright ask so it’s of nice they want us to have a baby and are supportive but some friends, work colleagues, hairdresser etc are so blatant about it and ask like it’s their business to know all the details. I’m not telling them anything! x

Candyfloss1122 Sun 17-Dec-17 21:17:01

I think the best approach is just to keep thing vague, things like "one day" "who knows" and then a quick change of subject.
Truly it is none of their business but if you aren't comfortable to tell them that (I wouldn't be), then vague is your answer.
We kept our answer the same as it had been before we started trying, which was "not now, we are focusing on work", which meant know of ever questioned it, however it back fired in way as when we announced our pregnancy everyone kept commenting about it being "unplanned", even though it was very much planned, we just didn't make it anyone's else's business.
I don't think you can win tbh.

PurpleDaisies Sun 17-Dec-17 21:18:43

My stock answer is “you know that’s a very personal question, don’t you?” with a glare that says “that’s mine if your business”. The softly softly approach just leads to repeated questioning from the same people.

Daffodil77 Sun 17-Dec-17 21:51:00

I used to be vague. However when we MC'd in august, those questions became really hard to cope with. We decided to share what had happened with our close family and friends to avoid putting us and them.in an unintended awkward situation. That has helped me enormously. However, had we not MC'd I probably wouldn't have let on that we were trying until after the 12 week scan.

gandalfspants Sun 17-Dec-17 22:03:18

Mostly I gave a vague response but after about 8 months of ttc, two months of no period and bfns I did crack and respond to fil's hint about waiting for grandchildren by putting my hands either side of my belly, looking down, and saying 'hey uterus, when are you going to do your job?' then pretending to listen for a second before looking at him and saying 'nope, think it might be broken'.

He did stop after that, but we conceived that month, so I got to listen to his advice on being pregnant after that (he's DH's step dad and doesn't have kids of his own so no idea why he thought he knew everything, but most people do).

ChrisPrattsFace Sun 17-Dec-17 22:07:21

We have been TTC for 7 months but are not telling people because of my fertility problems.
Because of this people don’t realise it’s sensitive, and when my SIL recently got pregnant after missing one pill - everyone thinks it’s ok to say ‘ooooh you’re next’ so my DP gives a ‘we can’t have kids’ and makes it awkward. (We have to laugh, or we will cry!)
Hopefully soon we will be, and because no one knows it will be a great surprise for everyone!

ChrisPrattsFace Sun 17-Dec-17 22:09:35

I realise I sound bitter in that post, my SIL missing her pill is irrelevant. I’m just Still a bit sour about it if you can’t tell haha

NewSense Sun 17-Dec-17 22:26:51

Ugh, it's draining hey. We have fertility issues, and I had a miscarriage earlier this year. Though we are incredibly fortunate to already have a daughter. For us, because she's getting older and all her little pals have baby siblings now, we're getting "you know what she wants for Christmas!" and "you don't want too big an age gap!". In my head I say "it will cost us about £5000 in IVF, and the last baby we made died in my fucking womb, so I'm taking a break from all that shit right now". But what actually comes out of my mouth is "haha, yes!" Smile smile smile. I'm thinking I need to start using the former answer though ;) and we aren't actually taking a break, but I figure if I say that we are then it buys us some time without being asked again...

Definitely sucks though. Stupid people with their stupid questions.

Those who ask inappropriate quotations in return, what do you ask? I like the idea, but can't think of anything that strikes the right balance and registers the point.

NewSense Sun 17-Dec-17 22:27:56

Questions, not quotations!

LifeOfRiley63 Mon 18-Dec-17 15:30:50

I agree. A lot of people keep asking us. To my close friends I say "Still working on it!" because they know we're ttc but I just say "Oh maybe soon, I don't know" and just blame it on finances or work etc.

florafoxtrot Mon 18-Dec-17 17:17:28

I'm at the stage of saying "its not always that easy" - we've been TTC for 18 months and a lot of friends and family now know that we are struggling. Although that being said - the question still absolute throws me for six and makes me very sad.

SoozC Mon 18-Dec-17 22:36:59

I'm definitely going to mention my mc if anyone asks me from now. It's such a fraught subject I hate how people feel they can comment. I'm going to make them feel uncomfortable the way they make me feel. Idiots.

PumpkinPatch000 Tue 19-Dec-17 07:14:15

So sorry to hear about your mc @soozC . It’s horrible they make you feel uncomfortable, maybe they’ll stop and think before asking you if they are aware.

PumpkinPatch000 Tue 19-Dec-17 07:15:48

@florafoxtrot have you found it any easier that your closest friends and family know so can support you? People seem to ask when you least expect it too, throws me a bit when it happens

BertieBotts Tue 19-Dec-17 07:17:38

If it's an acquaintance or someone I don't want to know I say vaguely maybe one day. If it's someone close then I tend to be honest about what we're going through.

GuntyMcGee Tue 19-Dec-17 07:33:05

It's so difficult.

A couple of years ago I was cuddling my new goddaughter at a funeral. A distant relative wandered up and said 'ah it suits you - it'll be you next, you've been married a while!' And winked.

Perhaps it was grief, perhaps it was the bittersweet feeling of holding yet another baby that's not my own, who knows but my reply was

'It suits because I work with babies, I'm confident with newborns. And after 10 years of infertility, several rounds of ivf and one miscarriage,I wouldn't hold your breath'
I felt a little bad seeing the persons face, but such an inappropriate conversation and none of their business.

At work I get asked all the time by women If I have any kids. I usually just reply 'not yet'. I was asked once, did my standard response and was asked if I wanted kids. Did the vague 'one day' to be asked 'so you're trying then?' Oh. My. Actual. God.

In the end I couldn't think of anything else to say so I told the truth - we have fertility problems and are having a break because treatment is gruelling. Then I got the sympathy face and a story of how someone did x and stopped trying and boof! Pregnant. I wanted to die inside if I'm honest. The person didn't pick up on my discomfort.

Fortunately I was able to change the subject to what needed to be done work wise so all was well.

People just don't understand how tricky a subject it is. It's seen as small talk and unless you've had losses or fertility issues you wouldn't think of it. It's not their fault, it just bloody well sucks.

florafoxtrot Tue 19-Dec-17 09:01:21

@PumpkinPatch000

In honesty yes, being upfront does stop people from asking blatantly inappropriate questions, but it then means that they look at you with a lot of pity and expect that you'll burst into tears at any moment - which is probably not far from the truth.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through Gunty but I'll bet that person has never said anything so stupid to anyone again!

The whole thing is just so crap and unfair and this time of year is full of triggers. Stay strong ladies, the festive period will be over soon.

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