Partner Disagreements

[JessicaAnn]

Hello,

This is a hard subject to navigate and I was hoping for some advice

I have wanted to have a child for 2 years now, I brought it up with my partner initially and he said nothing and never brought it up. So I have brought it up more but he just keeps saying not yet, he agrees that we could cope with having a child now (financial and otherwise) but still says no ultimately. We have been together 3 and a half years.

I am so desperate to have kids now, I think about it all the time and it doesn’t help that every time we see his parents they bring up grandchildren. He says he wants to wait a few more years.

It’s started to affect our relationship and I know I can’t pressure him to change him mind, it’s not right but I feel the frustration his decision has made seeping into our day to day conversations and turning them into arguments.

I don’t feel there is a compromise between having and not having children? And I don’t want to wait years and it then be too late.

Has anyone been in this situation before? Is there any advice to help?

Thank you in advance,
Jess

[nameshelpplease]

What age are you both? It sounds like he doesn't want kids now but thinks he might want them in the future, but what if he still doesn't want kids a couple of years down the line? Are you prepared for that possibility?

[Oysterbabe]

Your age is the important factor here, how old are you? Does he definitely want children or is he just fobbing you off by saying in a few years?

[ZigZagandDustin]

Does he maybe want to be married first? Some people do. Also as others have said your age is very relevant here.

You simply can't make someone want to have a baby before they are ready and forcing it on someone is, well a horrific mistake. If you think he may never want children you need to clarify that so you can decide to move on.

[JessicaAnn]

I am 23 and he is 26, we have bought a house together and I thought he wanted kids and it would have all come naturally.

I don’t know if I am overreacting but I don’t want to be sat in the same situation 2 years down the line

[Bubblegum89]

You can’t force someone who doesn’t want a baby to have one, unfortunately. If you’re both still young, it could just be that he has things he’d like to do before he has kids. They’re a huge huge commitment. If you’re older (35+) then maybe it’s time to consider your relationship and whether you might just want different things.

[Codlet]

OP, I think this would be a deal breaker for me, sorry. If he’s saying ‘in a few years’ rather than anything more specific, and you want them immediately, it’s hard to see a possible compromise for you two.

[FeedMyFaceWithBattenberg]

Op.
How old are you?
In the scheme of things 3 1/2 years is not very long IMO.

[Codlet]

Just seen your update - you are both young to have kids. My DH (who’s a fab dad) wouldn’t have been ready at that age either.

[WeLikeLucy]

Yes I agree that we need to know your age. Also, I presume you are not married?

I had this situation when I was 28 and with a partner. He said he wouldn't be ready for kids in 5 years, and even then did not know whether he would be ready. So in effect, I could have waited until I was 33 and he could still have been saying 'no'. I ended the relationship in the end (he was also very selfish and had other commitment issues).

My best friend kept hanging on (10 years) for her partner to commit, but he ended their relationship when she was 35. She is now nearly 40 and still not found anyone else / had children. I don't mean to worry you but women can miss the opportunity if they hang around too long waiting for a man to decide.

Does he want to marry? Do you feel he is really committed to you? If so, if you are in your 20's I would not worry - give him some more time and perhaps take the pressure off. But I'd be thinking about having a serious talk about the future with a view to ending the relationship if I was in my early 30s and he showed little sign of commitment.

[Oysterbabe]

You're very young, I wouldn't have wanted kids at his age either. Do plan to marry?

[Bubblegum89]

23 and 26 is very young. It might not seem like it to you because you really want it but I totally understand why he doesn’t want kids yet. There’s not really any compromise like you said. You can’t force him. You just need to decide if it’s something you can leave until he’s ready or whether you need to rethink your relationship

[WeLikeLucy]

I wrote my post whilst you were writing your response - now that I know you are only 23 and he's 26, I'd say that you need to take the pressure off and give him time. I met my DH at 30 and he said that he just was not interested in a relationship in his twenties, let alone kids. I think waiting until 30 is reasonable. I agree others that you could be enjoying life before you are tied down with responsibilities.

[Foreverretro]

It will be difficult for you to come on here and see everyone saying you’re young to have kids, because I know it doesn’t feel like you are. I’m sorry to say though that I agree with the majority of people.

When I was in my early 20s I was in a committed relationship with someone (bought a house etc) and was absolutely desperate to have a baby. He was adamant that we weren’t ready, and that he definitely wasn’t ready. As I got older I realised that he was right, and even though the relationship ultimately ended I was very grateful that he’d stopped us from having a baby.

Give your DP his 3 years - it gives you time to travel, spend your money on yourselves and have a bit of independence and life before you have kids. Especially considering you’re saying you have the financial stability etc. Make the most of it! I have been to Japan and done 1000 other things in my 20s that wouldn’t have been possible with kids, and that maybe once my kids had grown up I wouldn’t have had the chance to do.

I know it’s horrible when it’s all you want and all you think about but you have another 20+ years of Fertility so there is no pressure on you at the minute.

Enjoy your stability and freedom a bit and then I’m sure your DP will start to want kids as he gets older - it does often take a little longer for men than for women but in 3 years he’ll be approaching 30 and so much more likely to want to start a family. I think!

[Hawkmoth]

My first husband was very cagey about kids, although I was about your age, he was older. It was one of the reasons I left. Many years later he has not had children and I have four (and lovely DH).

[ZigZagandDustin]

I met DH when I was 24. We started a family after getting married at 30. I might have liked a little earlier but there were important things to be done in those years so I'll never regret waiting. At 23 I would have compromised on far too many things by getting pregnant. But it's your choice, as long as you can get your partner on board. I just personally think it's too young.

[Zoo33]

I can sympathise although I have no suggestions as I'm going through the same thing and just don't know what to do. I've been with my bf 4 years, I'm 34 and he's 42. We agreed we both wanted children right at the beginning as it was really important to us, and we started trying this year. Sadly I had a miscarriage recently and now he's decided he doesn't want children (although I don't know if he means not now or not ever). We're in the process of buying a house and I basically have to decide what to do about the relationship before we exchange contracts. It's so hard and so confusing as I just hope he changes his mind, but he doesn't want to talk to me about it. Unfortunately I'm a bit older than you and feel like time is running out.

Sorry for the ramble. You're both young still and he's saying give him 3 years. I think it comes down to whether you believe he'll be ready in 3 years and whether you're willing to wait. Only you can make that decision (unfortunately - I wish someone could tell me what to do), so make the one that feels right for you.

[Lillybilly20]

You haven’t been together very long and you are both so young. Do you have a good career in place, babies really get in the way of great careers for very young women. I’m so glad I waited and had all the amazing opportunities I have in my work life. He’s only 26 give him a chance to have a few years to himself. Perhaps reassess things when you’re at 26 yourself?

[Oysterbabe]

Ultimatum time I think Zoo At 34 you don't have time to mess around so if he doesn't want children you need to leave and find someone who does. I'd sit him down and explain it's a deal-breaker so if he's on board for kids you need to agree when you'll start trying. Don't waste your fertile years being fobbed off.

[Fiona1984]

I thought I wanted kids with my ex, I remember wanting to have a child by the time I was 25 (no idea why, boredom possibly). But, he kept putting it off, refused to discuss it, although he did say he wanted kids.
I am glad we never had children, it was a difficult relationship and I am glad I left. Adding children into that would have made it so much harder, we split up 6 years ago and it's only this year that I finally managed to sever the last tie - a joint property.
I'm now 33 and I realised a while back that I don't want my own children.

[Zoo33]

Sadly @Oysterbabe I think you're right. For better or worse having a miscarriage has shown me how much I want this. There isn't really a compromise. He won't discuss it with me which is what I'm finding so hard. How can I build a future with someone who won't talk to me about probably the most important thing there is??

[Fiona1984]

Me and my current DP had lengthy discussions in the early days. He doesn't want any more children, neither do I, but I think he thought I might change my mind with me being a bit younger than him.
He didn't want me to waste my time.
If anything, I'm more sure that I don't want children.

[BertieBotts]

While you are young, it is worth pinning down with him at what age/stage he wants to have DC.

No point wasting time in a relationship where your goals are mismatched. Cut the vagueness and ask him directly what he wants - then decide if it's something you can live with.

[DoAsDreamersDo]

Has he said why he wants to wait a few years? Is it because he wants to see more of the world first? Is he thinking that he'd like to establish his career before having kids?

You are still young and potentially have a lot of fertile years ahead of you. However; only you will know if he is putting off having kids now because he will never want them (which could be a deal breaker) or if he may just have a bit more maturing to do before he's ready for the responsibility that having a child brings.

[whattoweartomorrow]

You're very young- i was ten years older than you when I hit the age I wanted to start trying. Where are you in terms of your career, your housing situation? Are you married yet? All these things are really important. If you wait till he's thirty, you'll only be 27, which is the earliest age anyone I know started their family (most of my friends waited till their thirties).

If he is saying he wants children, I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting to wait longer. I would try and agree a timeline with him- e.g. In two years time let's get engaged, in three years let's get married, in four years let's get married, then don't mention it again for at least the next year and focus on the practical things to help you get ready: be they seeing more of the world for him, or actually getting a deposit for a house purchase and a more senior job that would allow you more options. For me, I waited until I was in a job that paid me as much four days a week as I was earning full time four years earlier so I had the option to slow down. Could you do something like that? Set yourself career goals and work on those for a bit?

[nameshelpplease]

I think the crux of the matter is getting to the bottom of why he doesn't want children at this point in time. Is it that he wants to have children in the future but wants to be more financially secure, have paid off student debts, own a house, be married? Or is it that he's not sure if he wants children or not and saying he wants to wait a few years means he doesn't have to think about it for a while?