Am I ready

[Anon321321]

I'm about to turn 25. I've been with my partner for 10 years and we can be volatile. We do argue but are passionate and are very much in love. I know to many people (and sometimes to me) that we are not ready for a child but I am feeling very broody but confused. I've always been extremely maternal and my partner is very keen to have children also. However I love to visit new countries and am worried having a child would be the wrong decision? I am unsure of when the best time to start a family is and would love some advice? Me and my partner are very much in love but are also argumentative (its been that way for 10 years!). I know it's best to wait I guess but i cannot shake the feeling of wanting to start a family. I am very torn but have been told no one feels ready?

[Jenala]

I think it's pretty normal to never be sure if you are ready. I don't think it ever feels the absolute perfect time because life is never absolutely perfect.

However the arguing would concern me - what does arguing look like in your relationship? Shouting? Throwing things? Hitting? Storming out? It's one thing for kids to see parents having a disagreement and managing it. Quite another to be witness to regular screaming matches, which can be quite emotionally damaging for children.

[Anon321321]

Mostly disagreements and lack of talking. We are both hot headed and can find things the other persons fault. We are both 'children' of divorce and so are completely against/ unwilling to put any children through that (we are currently engaged). I would never put a child through severe arguments. It's just hard to know whether my feels are just naturalistic survival instinct hormones or whether this is a good next step for us. However like I have said our weekly arguments are draining and so hugely puts me off bringing a child into this world.

[Jenala]

Weekly is quite frequent. I can't imagine having a relationship like that. It's hard to know though as no one else is in your relationship of course. Probably that you're thinking carefully about it is a good sign. If you didn't give a shit it'd be different!

I have two young children and am still not sure how ready I am I was stupidly broody though and it got so having a baby was all I could think about so it had to be time.

Its worth working on communication. It's even more important when you have a baby as it's such a game changer.

[Anon321321]

Thank you for your advice. I think the arguments are more frequent as we have recently moved in and bought a place together- I was living away before and so we had a lot of space. I think it is best to let everything settle down first before starting a family. It's just hard to ignore the instincts thank you for taking the time to reply to me

[Bubblegum89]

If there are things you still want to do, I would advise you to do them first. I got pregnant accidentally (failed pill) when I was 18. I had so much lined up that I wanted to do and so many places I wanted to see and I’ve been unable to do them. Obviously I love my daughter and wouldn’t change her for the world but I do wish that I had done at least some of the things I wanted.

It’s normal to be broody as you start getting older I think. But it goes without saying that babies are not easy by any means and they take up 100% of your time and energy. If you and your partner are arguing a lot, a baby will absolutely make that worse. Babies can make even the most “perfect” of couples want to murder each other. Lack of sleep, lack of freedom, lack of anything that doesn’t require you to be knee deep in dirty nappies and smelling like old milky sick... it can make you very very cranky lol.

Only you can make that decision, ultimately. It’s not quite as easy as being broody and deciding to have a baby. It’s the hugest decision and the biggest responsibility you will ever make. I think maybe it’s worth working on your relationship first. Best of luck! :)

[Anon321321]

Thank you for your advice. I think the arguments are more frequent as we have recently moved in and bought a place together- I was living away before and so we had a lot of space. I think it is best to let everything settle down first before starting a family. It's just hard to ignore the instincts thank you for taking the time to reply to me

[QueenAravisOfArchenland]

This really doesn't sound like the time to have kids and, I'll be blunt, possibly not the relationship to bring them into either. All this arguing and drama is engaging and "romantic" when it's just you but it's not compatible with tiny, very demanding and totally dependent beings.

I think you both need to grow up and your relationship needs to get a lot more stable before you even contemplate kids.