TTC and now SIL pregnant...(19 Posts)
DH and I are currently TTC. Infact, we're literally in the middle of this months fertile window.
Last night we went to dinner with his brother and sister-in-law. As soon as we walked in I knew something was going on. Her mother was there! We were handed a card with a copy of a scan. They are pregnant. They are expecting twins.
I am obviously excited about being an Auntie and am very happy for them. But it hurts. The last conversation had about it all was that they weren't ready to start trying yet. I feel like a complete bitch for being so upset but as soon as I saw that folded piece of paper I felt sick. I have barely slept all night thinking about it.
I'm such a mix of emotions, I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball, alone, for a while and feel sorry for myself. My DH knew I was upset but doesn't really understand why and I'm struggling to put it into words that don't make me sound like a psycho.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Am I being a horrible person or is this a normal reaction?
A desperate-to-be-a-mummy crazy lady xx
I think its really understandable that you feel like you do. I think it's okay to feel jealous and sad. I do think it's not okay to show your sil you feel like this as it's not her fault you are struggling. Do they know you are trying to conceive? Do you generally get on well? Maybe try and keep some distance while you process the news.
Your reaction is completely natural and understandable BUT it’s not a zero sum game
You have to logically see that other people having children doesn’t actually affect your life’s chances too - and why should everyone else be barren until you have had a baby
Having said that the urge to have a baby is completely illogical and the rational part of your brain will not always win!
Suck it up - be happy for them and be happy your eventual baby will have lovely cousins to play with and you’ll have loads of bAby hand me downs from them
Jealously will not get you pregnant
Your reaction sounds completely understandable. It's hard but try to not beat yourself up about it. Concentrate on the fact you feel that excitement for them too and show them that. In private give yourself time to get used to it.
You are not horrible just a normal person and the fact that feeling jealous makes you uncomfortable proves that.
Lots of hugs and good luck trying. X
Oh and ps with a twin pregnancy it’s high risk and complications are very common - I would be feeling sorry for your sil right now not jealous (context I lost twins early on in one of my pregnancies)
Your feeling are very natural, normal and valid. I went through exactly the same (my brother and SIL decided the best time to tell me she was pregnant
two months after meeting my brother was 12 hours after we were told we could not have children!)
Agree with PP though in that SIL is having her babies not yours, it won't affect your chances and hopefully it won't be long until you're expecting too and then your little one will have cousins to play with! Plus being an auntie is the BEST.
This happened to me. SIL got pregnant after I’d been trying for about 10 months. I was gutted and cried for ages when I got the text, but thought oh well, I’ll be pregnant as well soon. By the time she had DN I had been trying for nearly 2 years and doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me or DH. It was a horrible time for me with everyone being so excited about the new baby. I was surprised at how supportive the rest of the family were when explained why I was avoiding everyone a bit though. I now have 2 children (we adopted in the end) and DN is nearly 5 but I’m actually crying writing this remembering how utterly shit it was.
I’m thinking of you OP and I get it. Be as honest as you can with everyone and give yourself plenty of time away from them if you can.
Poor you. It’s ok to feel sad. The whole TTC thing is not rational. The hope each month and the disappointment leaves you vulnerable.
The best thing you can do is be honest with everyone about how you are feeling. They will understand.
I totally get your sadness - it took two years for me to get pregnant with our now 15 month old bundle of absolute awesomeness. But it’s hard to see when other people get there so easily and yet it took us forever. But like others have said it’s not a competition - people have babies all the time and they can’t wait for you. I had this while pregnant weirdly and two of my sisters in law found out they were expecting during my pregnancy. One of whom got pregnant within two months of coil removal! But I moved on - you need to embrace the excitement and the happiness rather than focus on them having what you don’t. Twins will be fab but hard work and think about how you could help with that.
Just keep going - I hope you get there. I spent many times crying in the bathroom when the inevitable happened again and again. When I finally got pregnant it was amazing. Jealousy won’t get you there though - this is your issue not theirs.
It is hard but you have only just started trying. You need to toughen up a bit as it could take a while and other people you know could get pregnant in that time.
Totally understandable. I sobbed and sobbed when we got a text message from BIL saying his partner was pg (with their 5th!) We had been TTC for what felt like ages at that point, and BIL readily admitted it was an 'accident' and they weren't necessarily over the moon about it
I completely understand how you feel and have experienced similar situations lately. Although I am pefectly aware that noone else is responsible for my fertility, each pregnancy announcement is like another reminder that my body is a failure. It can be hard news to take. I cover it well publically though as these are my personal feelings. I only share my frustrations with DH and a forum of unknown people, like you have. It's natural, so be kind to yourself. I'm sure given a few days to process the news you will be excited and look forward to the twins arrival. You'll be a great auntie , and hopefully helping your sil throughout the pregnancy and after the babies arrival will be great practice for your own journey.
I think your feelings are valid. It’s like you’re grieving that you aren’t her...
I’d been ttc over a year and was still a bit fragile from a miscarriage when my best friend invited me to a dinner party and told everyone her news. We would have been due days apart. I was very sad because I was jealous and also because I couldn’t get instaduffed and felt like a failure... I thought ‘it’ll be ok. I’ll be pregnant again by the time ‘we’ were due. But due date is this week. I’m not pregnant yet and I’ve since been told I probably have pcos (reluctance to give a firm diagnosis is another story).
Life isn’t fair. Bad things happen. Good things happen. Sometimes good things happen to other people first. Or sometimes bad things happen to you when you don’t ‘deserve it’.
I think it’s clear that some of the other people who posted haven’t gone through the constant grief that is infertility. The uncertainty. If you have cancer, they tell you the likely outcomes. Not so with infertility. Which is why some studies suggest depression rates are higher with infertility sufferers than cancer patients...
It’s totally normal for it to take a year. How long have you been trying? I wasn’t saying you’re infertile, but the above has been my experience of infertility and its massive head fucks.
It’s not quite only jealousy, but grieving for a future you saw for yourself...
Good luck. Chin up.
Physics actually I really see your point about uncertainty- it’s not like you go to the dr and a week later get told - no children for you. It takes months, years of uncertainty - maybe this month, maybe next, have I sorted out the reasons I couldn’t get pregnant yet, shall I have more tests, more interventions and that’s the way you live for 10 years. It’s truly awful the uncertainty.
I cried like a baby (not that I know how one cries!!) when my sister announced her pregnancy. Then I cried for all the guilt I felt for feeling jealous. It took nothing away from my own lack of being pregnant, but it really hurt. it took me a couple of days to really be able to get excited at the thought of being an auntie and being able to give a little person lots of love ❤️ now I can't wait although I am still hopeful that I won't be too far behind!
I was about 7 months into ttc when my little sister told me she’d had an “accident” and was pregnant. I was over the moon to have a niece or nephew on the way. I am jealous of her obviously especially when she posts bump photos and statuses like “mummy and daddy can’t wait to meet you!” I’m now a year in to ttc and just been referred to a fertility clinic so things aren’t working out as easily for us. It’s upsetting. And I’ll admit, sometimes I get really down about it when I see her putting up scan pictures. The hardest thing I find is my family being so excited and talking about it and how happy they all are when we are trying everything and getting nowhere. It’s perfectly valid to have those feelings but try not to let it consume you. You will encounter so many pregnant people, people announcing pregnancies etc during your ttc journey and you just kind of have to learn to deal with it. It’s not easy, I unfollow people on Facebook when they announce a pregnancy because it’s easier to just not see that stuff. Might seem petty but I don’t care lol. And with my sister, I think of it as having a little baby to love and buy stuff for but also that doesn’t wake me up screaming at 2am lol
Rainbow - the uncertainty is the source of my depression. Every time I approach ovulation I am overcome knowing how futile it is... but then the tww happens and I think, what if? And then I get the BFN with raging pms and AF to boot. And it's too much. And then I just about recover by the time ovulation and fw roll around throwing me back down the rabbit hole....
I work hard, I try to be a good person. I don't deserve this. But life isn't fair... so it's pointless getting upset despite how really awful the whole thing is. And with my due date rolling around, it's even more all consuming, terrifying and awful. It's just absolutely fucking relentless.
My brother's girlfriend found out she was (very unexpectedly - they did have a tough time deciding whether to keep it) pregnant the same week I had my first miscarriage. I had another two while she was pregnant and we'd been trying sixteen months in total by the time their baby was born. I won't lie, it was pretty awful at times. But my nephew is here now and he's gorgeous and lovely. In a way - and I hope you find this too - I actually find him much easier than other friends' babies, as I have a particular relationship with him - I'm an aunt - and so it feels more like he's adding something rich and lovely to my life, rather than just acting as a reminder of what I don't have. For that reason, I've found things much easier since he was born.
I think how I'd tackle this one does depend on how long you've been trying, or whether you've had any losses. If it's not long then, difficult as it might feel, I think you do have to keep quiet and try and plaster a smile on - your sister is going to feel very hurt if you tell her you can't be happy for her because you've been trying six months. If it's longer or there have been difficulties then I would really consider explaining that it's hard. My family knew about the miscarriages and so tried really hard to be sensitive - and, while it was still hard, that was a massive help.
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