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Is this a crazy idea? DP at uni and TTC(19 Posts)
I've posted this on AIBU, but I thought I'd post it here too to maybe get a rounded perspective. I hope that doesn't break any mn etiquette that I don't know about. I'm new!
I don't have any children (yet!). I am 21, DP is 26. We have been together 4 years and we are getting married in the autumn of 2018. We live together. We are both currently students, I'm studying a masters degree and will finish before we get married. The plan is to get a graduate job, or any job, very soon after finishing. DP is currently in his third year of a practical degree that is essential for his chosen profession. He will continue on to a Masters in autumn 2018, which is essential for chartership/accreditation in the profession. This will take 8 months.
I have Antiphospholipid Syndrome, which is an auto immune disorder that can cause serious complications in pregnancy, mostly notably recurrent miscarriage. With medication I have an 80% chance of a successful pregnancy. The complications that my syndrome can cause is one very big reason why I think it might be better to go for it after our wedding. I know of course that it is up to us, but when you're immersed in the situation it's hard to take a step back and see it objectively, so would it be crazy to to try to conceive when I am working full time but DP has 8 months left of uni? We will be 22 and 27.
I don't think there is ever a perfect time. If something sad happened do you think DP could support you and be successful at uni? Don't want to put profession at risk?
Thank you for replying.
Yes I think he could, but of course it's impossible to say for sure. I think if the worst should happen it would equally hard if he was at uni or working full time, but I see what you mean
Comes across pretty impatient. If you’re both happy to start trying this early, then that’s fine. However, there’s a lot to be said for finishing your education, getting a job and having some savings before you start trying. That way you won’t have additional stress over stability or money as that’s the last thing you need during pregnancy or when you have a baby.
As a PP said you do sound a little inpatient. I completely understand your desire to start early but I really think you would benefit from waiting until after your wedding at least. Personally I'm so glad we got married before having children and wouldn't have changed that. Imagine being pregnant on your wedding day! You might be feeling ill and sore and may not be able to celebrate like you wanted.
There's also no telling how any woman will cope during pregnancy, let alone one with an auto immune syndrome. Whether you suffer normal pregnancy symptoms, complications due to your health issues or god forbid miscarriages, it would inevitably put pressure on both you and your partner. Please dont put yourself under that kind of unnecessary strain.
Enjoy the build up to you wedding and enjoy it being husband and wife for a while before TTC.
Best of luck OP
Thank you for your replies. I'm not sure that I made this clear enough in my OP so this is my fault, but just to clarify we are considering ttc AFTER our wedding, and after I have graduated. DP will have 8 months of uni left at this time, but we will be married and I will have a graduate job all being well.
I can see why I have given the impression that I'm impatient to begin ttc, but I'm not. The time period we are talking about is 11 months away, minimum. If I was that impatient I'd start now rather than try to discuss it or gain other perspectives. In an ideal world we would prefer to wait, and if I didn't have this syndrome there is no way we'd be even considering ttc at this stage in our lives. My syndrome means that my fertile period will likely be shorter than most women's. This is a relatively new and unexpected diagnosis, and I guess I'm just worried that I'll struggle to carry a successful pregnancy.
To clarify we won't be ttc until after we are married and I have graduated. Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate all input
Ahh in that case then yes that sounds like a great plan OP. Enjoy the coming year!
Sure, why not?? It might (or might not!!) take longer than you expect. My dh expected it to happen right away... 20 months, two chemicals and a diagnosis of pcos later and we still aren’t.
@physicskate This is exactly the assumption we are going on - that it could take a long time, especially because the risk of complications such as miscarriage is so high for me.
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling. Fingers crossed it happens for you soon
I really don’t think the syndrome will give you the menopause in 2 years. Or any time soon so there just isn’t that time pressure from the medical point of view.
In your position, I’d probably wait another couple of years from the point that you were thinking of. That way you’ll build up more professional experience and save more and your partner will get the opportunity to finish his masters and get a job without constantly worrying about you. I think it could be extremely hard on both of you if he’s trying to finish his master’s and find a job whilst you’re going through a high risk pregnancy.
@JoJoSM2 you're right, of course it won't give me the menopause any time soon. Part of my condition is a high risk of blood clots, DVTs, pulmonary embolisms, and strokes, the older I am the more likely I am to get them. If I was pregnant I would have to stop taking my anticoagulant medication that prevents these from happening. I would be prescribed something similar that is safe for use in pregnancy, but it is known to be less effective. The hormonal changes of pregnancy will put me at increased risk of blood clots and strokes, so the younger i am when pregnant the better, according to doctor. The risk to my health is higher the longer I have wait. There's no evidence to prove that waiting 5 years or so will definitely put me at increased risk, but the doctor has said if I want to have children it needs to be sooner rather than later. In an ideal world I'd prefer to wait, for all the reasons you list and others. I just worry that I won't be able to carry a child. It's the unknown that worries me.
I'd seriously wait a few years, you do have time on your side. I had a baby soon after graduating and it was pretty much career suicide. I should have waited a few years and built my skills and experience up first. It is so much harder to progress after you have a child and your masters degree could be for nothing.
Plus for a lot of people being pregnant is very difficult, you may not be able to work and if you've just started a job you probably wouldn't be entitled to many benefits. Your stbDH could struggle to support you both as a student, instead of concentrating on his studies.
I know what it's like when your desperate to start a family, but pregnancy and motherhood can be hard and job security and financial stability shouldn't be underestimated.
Why not wait the further 8 months before TTC? DP will have graduated & you will be more established in your job. Those extra few months in your new job may make all the difference with maternity payments too.
I think if I was you I'd wait a few years, establish your careers and enjoy some time together just the two of you as a young married couple. Once kids do come along it is full on, it's hard to have time for one another. My husband went back to uni in sept, we had a baby over summer, it's hard all round. He's trying to focus on an intensive course whilst trying to enjoy our newborn. It was the right time for him to do the course due to age and other factors but given the choice we wouldn't of had a baby whilst he was back at uni.
You don't mention if you have bought a house yet or not? If not I'd focus on finishing your courses and maybe getting on the property ladder. You'll be in a far better position financially for babies if you're already home owners. I was pretty young at 21 really, straight out of uni I could never have imagined having a baby, but everyone is different I realise.
sorry I just realised that sounded
really doom and gloom!
Parenthood is awesome, it's just if i had my time again I would have waited as we did it the hard way, and a little bit of patience would have made everything a little bit easier that's all!
When you’re in a job you love you might need to wait until you qualify for maternity benefits. This is important if you don’t have any savings. And of course your new DH won’t have any paternity rights if he is unemployed. Personally I’d wait a little while, enjoy married life, go on a nice honeymoon and then think about TTC when you’re financially ready. Even though I have waited and I am now facing 34 and childless, 14 months in ttc, and a sad mmc at 10 weeks I would not change the time after we married as we explored the world together and made memories. Things happen for a reason as shitty as that viewpoint may seem.
Personally, I would say that it would benefit you greatly if you both got uni out of the way first and got some savings behind you.
DH has a good income and we’re finding preparing for the baby ridiculously expensive! I’m hindsight we would’ve spent less on our wedding and put more away for the future.
Sounds like you would be trying for selfish reasons rather than because you are in a position to give a baby a good life. Why not give it an extra year for both DP and yourself to establish career a bit more before you have the responsibility of someone else life.
What if you hate your job or he struggles to find one?
I completely understand your situation as my DD also has auto-immune disease and there were signs it was beginning to attack her ovaries so she went ahead and conceived immediately. She had a healthy baby. She is older than you though. Talk to your doctors and ask if your specific condition is likely to worsen with age. As PP said there’s never a right time. We started young and have never regretted it. As you both have high earning potential it doesn’t seem irresponsible to me.
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