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When close family/friends get pregnant by accident...

(22 Posts)
Lilypad15 Sat 23-Sep-17 11:54:59

How does it make you feel. Honestly though. I know the preferred answer is “really happy for them” but deep down, how do you feel? And how do you cope with these feelings?

Last year, my partner’s brother’s girlfriend fell pregnant by accident. His brother told me that they very rarely have sex and the one time they had it in about 4 months, she got pregnant. Honestly, it was really difficult. All the scan pictures and excitement from everyone. They had no idea I’d had to terminate a much wanted pregnancy less than a year before that. My nephew is nearly 1 now and I love him so much but sometimes when I see him, it breaks my heart that I can’t seem to have a baby despite trying so hard. I cried myself to sleep every night for the first few weeks I found out she was expecting and I felt like a horrible person.

My younger sister is 23 and got pregnant accidentally earlier this year and had a medical termination as she didn’t want to keep it (she had a road trip to America booked and it would have interfered) She is now 23 weeks pregnant with her second accidental pregnancy of the year. I’m pissed off. I know you’re not supposed to say that because it makes you seem like a nasty jealous old witch. But it’s true. I’m over the moon for her and excited to have a niece. It’s the scan pictures and excited family members thing all over again. She knows about my unwanted termination, the rest of my family doesn’t. I’m just getting really tired of having to put on a brave face every time I’m around people. How is it fair that people get pregnant at the drop of a hat and there are people like us ladies on here that try absolutely everything and are unsuccessful every damn month.

So here I am, the most horrible person in the world, declaring that as happy as I am about your accidental pregnancies, it actually truly all makes me feel like shit.

keeponrunning85 Sat 23-Sep-17 13:53:33

You're not a horrible person. I think it is totally normal to feel that way.

No-one I know has got pregnant by accident during the time we've been trying, or not that they have admitted to me anyway. But even the planned ones have felt like an absolute kick in the teeth, especially those who got instantly upduffed.

I'll even admit to feeling relieved when one of my friend's first IVF cycle didn't go to plan and they had to delay the embryo transfer because at least it meant I wouldn't have to face another announcement. Now that has made me feel like a horrible person!

An accidental pregnancy is a completely inconceivable concept to me!

GuntyMcGee Sat 23-Sep-17 14:03:20

I could have written your post several times over!

I had a family member announce her pregnancy at Christmas surrounded by family, we'd been referred for investigations at that point after trying for 5 years. As everyone erupted in joy, I had to rush out and hide my face because I couldn't hold back my tears.

A friend accidentally got pregnant with her first, she now has a second and all I got was a miscarried ivf baby and a second cycle that failed miserably.

I'm now the only person in my social circle and family who doesn't have any children and it bloody sucks. In fact, since DH and I have been trying, most of those I know have had second and third pregnancies!

Every pregnancy announcement I hear (or see) hurts and although I don't wish for them to miscarry, I just wish that I didn't have to live through yet another birth announcement that isn't mine.

It doesn't make you a terrible person by any means. It's painful and so unfair.

LisaSimpsonsbff Sat 23-Sep-17 18:44:50

flowers and hugs, both to OP and other people going through this. It doesn't make you a horrible person. My brother's girlfriend found out she was completely unexpectedly pregnant a few days after I'd had a miscarriage; she's due next month (two weeks before I would have been). At the time I was surprisingly ok with it, but I think that's because I assumed I'd be happily pregnant again by the time she had her baby. Now it's seven months later, she's due soon and I've had two more miscarriages and it is HARD.

Weirdly, though, although I struggle a bit with their unplanned pregnancy, that's not the sort I find hardest. The sort I find hardest are the people who do plan but fall pregnant within a month or two and then carry to term. I feel like in a way I'm not so jealous of my brother and SIL because although they are very happy about their soon-to-be baby, it was a real shock and a stressful time for them; this is a happy outcome, but it's not exactly what they would have chosen. It's the people whose lives just seem to slot perfectly into place that I feel completely, consumingly envious of. I know someone who gave themselves a two month slot to get pregnant; I'd been trying for seven months at that point and gently suggested that this might be putting a bit too much pressure on themselves and that baby-making doesn't really work like that. Guess who got pregnant the first month they tried and is due in a few weeks? I haven't been able to see her since my most recent miscarriage; I just feel the unfairness of it too strongly.

physicskate Sat 23-Sep-17 21:29:47

I've had two chemical pregnancies and been ttc 18 months. Each time I have a chemical, the only two people I know fall pregnant. One unplanned (SIL) and the other they'd been ttc for four months.

I was forced to meet SIL's now four month old today and be told AGAIN how unplanned she was... FUCK YOU!!!!

I'm angry, bitter and twisted.

She doesn't know about my cp. She doesn't know we've been ttc. I've recently been diagnosed with pco/pcos and start clomid whenever my stupid af decides to show up. Cd 20 and still no sign of ov.

Not that there is a 'right' way to conceive/ttc, but why the hell does this shot have to happen to me??

Hulaballoo Sat 23-Sep-17 23:22:09

Totally understand! I put on a smile and say congrats but then I just don't want to talk about it any further...SIL announced 2nd pregnancy on the due date of my MC baby. ( She didn't know ) heartbreaking. Then announced they're having a boy and I was so wishing for a boy... (Have 2 girls) just keep trying to be happy for them 😐

peachesarenom Sun 24-Sep-17 11:01:11

Personally I just can't cope with people who keep showing me videos of their kids on their phones at work! I mean I was fine at the start but 9 months in to TTC it's just too much. I mean I've been doing it all wrong but still! I find it harder because my dog was like my baby but he's left us all behind now. Also, people don't appreciate you comparing their baby to your dog.

HoldTightPretendItsAPlan Sun 24-Sep-17 11:07:25

I feel the same, and my friends / cousins / colleagues seem to be announcing a new pregnancy/ birth every week.

I do try to remind myself that their pregnancy / baby has no impact on my fertility, it's not like there was 1 baby and they 'won' but that only helps sometimes.

peachesarenom Sun 24-Sep-17 11:13:17

Holdtight! You're totally right! Not just one baby we're competing over!

Lilypad15 Sun 24-Sep-17 18:46:09

So much love to you all, ladies. It’s so hard and people getting pregnant left, right and center easily doesn’t help at all. I suppose at least we can come on here and chat with people who understand how crap it all is flowers

Love51 Sun 24-Sep-17 18:53:15

Someone thought I got 'instantly upduffed'. Nope, it took ages. I just hadn't told anyone.
I wasn't jealous when SIL rang me to announce her pregnancy. I wanted my / dhs baby, not theirs!

UnbegrenzteFreude Mon 25-Sep-17 17:14:36

100% know where you are coming from. One of my best friends is 40wk+9, another is 14, another just coming up to 9, DH's friend at work just became a (v young!) granny for the first time and her family live behind us... I am surrounded by pregnancies and births - I am overjoyed for them all I really honestly and truely am. I am the friend cross-stitching presents and am oh so completely excited and happy for them.

My SIL fell pregnant by accident and is 38 wks today. The relationship with DHs family esp. my SIL and MIL isn't great anyway and while I am over the moon for her and her partner, I can't shake the ache.

DH and I adopted a 8 week old puppy a month ago and I swear if one more person says 'That's your baby' or calls me 'Mummy', or says 'It'll be a wee one next' or 'She let him have a dog because she's too wrapped up in her job to give him a baby' (Quote MIL) I am going to blow up.

Honestly so happy so all of them but want on my own to curl up in a corner, avoid Ov sticks and 21-days Pros Blood Tests and cry!

We've been married 2 years, TTC for 18months, I'm 37 and while I am over the

peachesarenom Mon 25-Sep-17 22:19:28

UnbegrenzteFreude mate I feel thr MIL pain. Mine is a total bitch. Don't let them ruin the doggy love! Dogs are the best! Completely different to babies though.

ForeverHopeful21 Tue 26-Sep-17 12:17:43

As the others have said, it's completely normal to feel that way and you're definitely not a a horrible person.

I'm finally pregnant after 3 years of trying and a MC, but I STILL get jealous of pregnancy announcements / accidentally pregnancies / people who can enjoy their pregnancy without worry etc etc. Unfortunately when you've had a tough journey it never gets erased BUT when your time comes it will make you so much more appreciative. I'm not at all saying that those who get pregnant easy don't appreciate their children btw, it's just that they'll never know the struggle and turmoil.

It's such an awful thing to go through when all you want is a baby and everyone else seems to have one! But remember there are positive stories out there - Although I've not had my baby yet, I'm proof that pregnancy can happen even when you are about to give up all hope. Keeping everything crossed for you x

LuItaliana Wed 27-Sep-17 14:19:05

Oh it's so hard isn't it, it feels like everyone I've ever met is pregnant at the moment, there are 4 women in my small office who are pregnant and it's like taking a bullet every time there's a new announcement! 2 have just left for maternity leave & I was so revealed when they left & i felt so guilty as I really am happy for them. Fingers crossed for BFP's for us all soon

cherryontopp Thu 28-Sep-17 11:38:41

It's a kick in the teeth.
I couldn't handle it when my brothers girlfriend announced she was pregnant. Is been trying for years when she had been with my brother 5 month.
You just have to try and be rational. You can't change anything.
It'll your turn one day.

Hulaballoo Thu 28-Sep-17 15:29:55

@ForeverHopeful21 cheered me up. grin

PinkChocolatex Thu 28-Sep-17 19:12:53

Honestly I sound like a right witch but SIL gave birth last April and she just harps on and on about her child how amazing she is, how easy it was, how her life is now complete hmm she knows we've been TTC for months but still feels the need to rub it in our faces sad I love my niece but it all gets a bit too much sometimes

Dolwar Thu 28-Sep-17 21:16:29

We've been ttc all 2017. No success at all. I try to hide how I feel about it from dh as ge has a history of depression and stress but when fe comes home complaining tgat all he sees in fb is his school nates' kids I want to bash his head it - I work on a postnatal ward so I see around 100 babies Adweek just born jibe if whom are mine. And it hurts.

SoozC Thu 05-Oct-17 18:49:22

It's so hard. In the 20 cycles we've been trying, several colleagues feel pregnant and have already had their babies. One colleague who gave birth a couple of months after we started trying has just had ANOTHER baby. In 18 months!

At the moment I haven't had any recent baby bombs but I feel is only a matter of time. It hurts so much that I know so many people who conceived the first month and that no-one knows we're trying and have been for so long. We got married in August and I was thinking if we got pregnant in September people would say "it didn't take long then" but of course we didn't and it probably won't happen for us now. It makes me so sad. My mum told me in April that I shouldn't put it off for long and I wanted to scream - already 14 months trying at that point.

lookingforthecorkscrew Thu 05-Oct-17 19:00:19

I got pregnant by accident at the start of this year, it ended in miscarriage. We’ve been TTC ever since and it’s just not happening. Now THAT sucks.

shortcake76 Thu 05-Oct-17 19:47:22

Definitely not alone and I can empathise with everything you have said. Time is running out for us - I am 40 - and have been via NHS and basically been told that I am too old for them to offer me any support.

My DH's best friend announces that him and his wife are expecting baby number 3 and I just felt "why them - they've already got 2!" My Aunt's 16 year old grandaughter also accidentally fell pregnant - didn't really want to go through with it, but kept the baby (she's now 2).

Everybody at work keeps saying I need to get my skates on - makes you feel like a failure. I am on CD40 today - nothing ununsual about that as have long cycles, so also have less chance of conceiving!

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