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How did you decide to go for it?!

(11 Posts)
meltingsugar Tue 20-Jun-17 08:07:01

Everyone says there is no right time, but I still tear myself apart over if it is more of a wrong time or not, I'm the most risk averse person ever and an avid life planner and it's now at the stage where babies are next and I don't think there is much reason to wait!

People say life changes forever, spend time as a couple etc. Did you ever know when it was 'the right time'? Did you have life goals to achieve first?

DH and I got married nearly a year ago, been together nearly 6 years. Just moving into our second home (managed to upsize far earlier than planned due to SE house price boom). I'm 25, he is 28. At the minute I keep thinking should I be trying to get on the next rung of the career ladder before we do it, or will that keep us holding off forever?

I have always thought I'd rather have children sooner than later and not sure we even want more than one, but never expected to be so unsure of when! DH is up for it whenever but says the real choice of when is mine and he will support me whatever/whenever but he'd be happy any time from now.

Can anyone share their experience? flowers

Rainybo Tue 20-Jun-17 08:11:24

At 25 there is plenty of time to get up the career ladder later- you're likely to be working until you're 68!

I had mine at 25, yes my career took the back seat for a few years, I used some of the time to retrain to change careers alongside working part time. I'm now 36 and have worked my way up to a management position in a completely different sector and only went back full time 2.5 years ago. Now I'm thinking of another baby smile

I am an avid planner too, but I've learned life is definitely what happens whilst you make other plans!

KoolKoala07 Tue 20-Jun-17 08:20:27

I'm 29, in a similar situation. I had a miscarriage in April after ttc and since then I've questioned if I should hold off having children. I know I want them, always have it's more when. Like you I'm a planner. We're in a great situation, together for 9 years married for almost 1, affordable mortgage on a home we don't need to move from any time soon.
Probably not much help but we've just decided to not use contraception and see what happens. I can't be indecisive all my life grin

reetgood Tue 20-Jun-17 08:23:08

Took until I was 35 or so. I wasn't really in a position to have kids until I was 30. My partner has always been pretty pro kids but I fretted, about money mostly. He decided that he was happy to stay together even if we didn't have kids. I thought I wanted children but never had a need like some people describe. I felt that having kids was a pretty big thing to do on maybe, so I wanted to wait and see if I got more certain.

About a year ago my brain just went 'yep, ready now'. I had a suspicion this would happen. I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant, we started trying very casually about 9 months ago. I've just turned 37 and count as an older mother. The right time is when you know it's the right time, from my point of view. I don't regret waiting, I probably would have been fine earlier.

My mid twenties was a time of figuring some important stuff out for me about what I value, who I am. I quite appreciated having the opportunity to do that without being responsible for a human. You have plenty of time if you're not ready yet.

One way I tried to help myself decide was to imagine a life without kids, and see how that felt. It became clear to me that it was important to me, but it took another couple of years before I went yup I'm ready. Career wise I'm more stable than I was a few years ago too.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 20-Jun-17 08:24:03

Married for a year and happy in your new home, yes I would go for it now. We waited until we were married a year. By that stage I was 33 but only together for three. So the fact you're together six, I think I would go for it now.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 20-Jun-17 08:32:05

With our first we always knew we were going to start TTC straight after the wedding but that's because we were 30/31.

With the second one it took me 12+ months of me pestering DH before he agreed to go for it grin

If things are stable in your life then I would go for it now! Good luck!!

BunsOfAnarchy Tue 20-Jun-17 08:33:57

Not a mother yet but I thought the exact same. I have a brilliant career ahead with lots of promotion....but I want to be a mum too before I get too old....but I have people around me who have made me realise that I can still achieve it all, albeit after a small break to have a baby;

My Bro and sis in law both 37 and have a 5 month old. Bro has managed to bag a job in Europe. Okay it's a bit of a tiring journey back and forth every 2 weeks....but it works. They miss each other but they are happy. And little nephew likes his peaceful eurostar train journey!

My best friend and her hubby both boosted their careers after having a baby, left the UK with a 1 year old on their hip and moved to the Emirates, both successful and now have a second child.

It's only over if you think it's over. These guys went abroad, if they can do that then why can't you and I both see that we can make it work here. We can have a child, watch them grow then take our finger off the pause button and continue with our careers.

No one is ever 100% ready. Babies are a blessing.

baconsandwiches Tue 20-Jun-17 08:45:34

I've been with my husband for 9 years, married for 1.5 and just about to pop with baby number 1 (we're both 29). We knew we wanted children from the start but never felt at all ready for most of our twenties as our priorities were other things. On our honeymoon last year we just came to the realization that ultimately as much as we valued our careers, our time together and our future family was so much more important to us and there would never be a perfect time to have a baby, but that we would eventually run out of time and so why not just go for it. I was terrified at the time but now so pleased we decided to go for it. I don't think you'll ever be totally ready and if you wait for the perfect time you'll be pushing 100! Wishing you all the best whatever you decide smile

Writerwannabe83 Tue 20-Jun-17 08:45:57

*We can have a child, watch them grow then take our finger off the pause button and continue with our careers."

Absolutely. There is such a small time frame to have children and really enjoy them compared to having another 45 years ahead of you if working.

I see people at work who are less experienced than me and younger than me but getting further ahead in their career (childless) but my priority is ny son (aged 3) and my baby who is due in 8 weeks.

I've got 30 years ahead of me yet in my career so I've plenty of time to further myself, maybe in another 5 years or so I will think about promotions etc but for now my child/baby are what really matters.

You're young OP so you do have plenty of time to think about children but it's not always a straight forward journey.

A college of mine started TTC at 26 and her and her partner couldn't get pregnant. After 18 months they started fertility investigations and she found out she'd never be able to have children naturally. The process of IVF began and it took almost two years (and repeated attempts) of treatment before she eventually fell pregnant. So there were about four years between them actually deciding to TTC and her actually getting pregnant. Time can so easily slip away.

Not saying that will happen to you obviously but just putting across another perspective that youth doesn't always mean having children should be put off.

meltingsugar Tue 20-Jun-17 11:41:09

Thanks for all the replies, I find it really interesting (and reassuring) hearing how others have felt. Kind of surprised not to be told 'you're 25 you've got years forget about it for now' too..! My brother definitely would think I was screwing my career up to have them now. His wife is 33 and wants kids but he has got his foot firmly on the brake for the foreseeable. I don't want that to be us.

We had an unplanned pregnancy that resulted in miscarriage four years ago before we had made a decision on it, and ever since then it was like a switch flicked in my head. I'm definitely at a point where I almost yearn for a baby?! I can't separate out whether it's because of four years ago or my age and that I'm quite settled or what...

Equally I feel like it would be sensible to get the next rung up work wise etc etc. But realistically, then I'll be telling myself I need to be in the job 6 months plus before I can TTC, or that maybe I should just wait for THE NEXT step, won't I grin Living where we do we have a fat mortgage of £1,400 a month which is a scary amount. We are lucky to have a mortgage though compared to a lot our age. Childcare costs are terrifyingly high, I get so paranoid about money!!

BunsOfAnarchy Tue 20-Jun-17 12:10:43

@meltingsugar trust me when I say, stop over thinking lol.

I cannot even underline enough how much I personally had this struggle a couple of months ago. I wanted to earn more. I wanted to get better companies on my cv before I take a break for a child. I wanted my hubby to stop being self employed and get an employed job.
And then in the end both my sis in law and my best friend said the same thing - listen to your heart and your body... it's not the end of your life as you know it but the beginning of a new one.

You will learn to live within your means and juggle finances. Plus, who knows what tomorrow holds?

My hubby lost his mum last Autumn and that put so much into perspective. Life is unpredictable. We try so hard to control it and plan and do things our way. And you know what, i want to experience things with my child. Holidays, days out, family get together's. I don't want to leave it too late.

Listen to your heart (and uterus lol)

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