Deciding to have a baby(13 Posts)
How do people make the massive decision to have a baby?? I am 37 and my partner and I cannot make such a big decision to bring another life into the world. How do you afford to do it? How do you have the energy? How do you cope with getting up in the night every night and still going to work? How do you get through the labour? Breastfeeding?? I think I am just not meant to be a mother? It is just making me so sad that I am not a normal woman doing what i am supposed to x
There's no such thing as a normal mother. Do you want a baby?
All the stuff you've listed is time-limited, but you need to work out if you actually want to do it before you get bogged down with details.
You sound like you're just not keen on having a baby or not ready at this point in time. It's completely normal and there quite a few couples who decide not to have children. Don't try to force yourself. Just work out what's important to you in life and pursue that.
Have you ever wanted to have kids?
See since young I've always wanted them.
I always said to myself once i buy a house, have my car and a good secure job I'll have a baby.
I was 22 when i finally bought my house and i thought "no time like the present" Had my dd when i was 23, she's 16months now and It's everything i ever thought it would be and i love her / being a mum. Yeah its hard sometimes especially when she's waking a few times a night and i have to be up at 6am for work but you get through it. I chose to breastfeed and we're still doing it now. I i would say that was tough at first, before she was on food because she refused a bottle so i always had to be avaliable to feed her.
I took 14months off work (maternity and holidays) and just covered the cost by saving up while i was pregnant.
But everyone is different.
Is your partner undecided too? Xx
I am ttc my first. I worry about some of the same things you do, especially as I have been ttc for over a year and I don't like who that has turned me into very much. I throw my toys out of the Pram every af.
I know I can do it because others with far less can be good mums. I don't just mean money, I mean far less time, patience, want and intelligence. I don't think I will make the best mum ever, but I can try!
I've felt really similarly to you. We talked about it and agreed we kind of pictured ourselves with a child in the future and didn't feel comfortable making a decision not to have one. But that we didn't want to delay any more. We set a date for TTC and since then have both felt much more keen on the idea. I'd go as far as to say I actively want one now. I always said that as we were both a bit ambivalent that if it didn't happen it didn't happen and we wouldn't go to ivf or anything, I already feel differently even though it's only been a month! For me it was getting used to the idea and actually making the decision that finally confirmed for me that it was the right thing for us. I realise that might not be entirely helpful for you right now though!!
I felt similar to flamingo, in that I was 36 and wouldn't have tried fertility treatment but thought we should try (well, stop not trying!).
But I've never been maternal, and felt awkward around kids. Then I met my niece and felt such overwhelming love that pushed me to make the call with my (younger) OH.
Our DD is six months old now and I can't believe anyone has ever loved anyone more than I love her!
Agree with pp it doesn't sound like you are ready op or that you want children. Do you see children in your future? Like others said all of the stuff you mention is only for a short time. But some thoughts on what you asked:
Money - budgeting! Working out how much it will cost in childcare, how much needed for nappies, food, clothes. If you can cut down on other things it helps so there is flex to pay for the baby stuff. Like buyin cheaper food, less branded products, less clothes for yourself. Obviously it depends how much money you have and your lifestyle. If you go out a lot you may not as much with a child. If you spend a lot of money on holidays you could save there. That's all a personal decision based on your circumstances though.
Energy - you just do what you gotta do. Before DS I was terrible getting up in the mornings. But when you have a child you have to cos it's not about you. And as much as you want to you just can't go back to sleep as they will wake you up if you try! But you love them so you don't mind as much as you think you will because they need you.
Labour - well you generally have 8 months notice to prepare. Relaxation, yoga, hupnobirthing if you fancy it. In my experience it was yoga, relaxation and knowledge that helped me. The more I knew the more in control I felt. And the yoga breathing was what really got me through it. But in perspective - labour is only a day or less or a bit more out of your whole life! And of your whole child's life!
Breastfeeding - I breastfed til 13 months when DS decided to stop. Was difficult to begin with but it's like any new skill. Practice makes perfect. You can expect to be an expert the first time you do it. It's like learning to dance - you watch the DVD and know the moves. But then you have to dance with someone who also hasn't danced before and hasn't watched the DVD! You both have to learn how to do it for the first time and how to do it together. It takes perserverance. But then it's not for everyone, formula is an option if you choose not to breastfeed and plenty of women choose not to or do a mixture of both.
But sounds like you need to think about whether you want children to start with - the detail comes later once you have made that decision.
I'm like you OP. Feel like it's what we should be doing, but we don't want to. I just cannot imagine a future with children and giving so much of myself to raising one.
I was in a similar situation as you are, being in my late thirties and having to seriously think whether or not to have children. I didn't feel 'broody' or maternal at all and the thought of having a child felt rather abstract. In the end I felt that NOT having children just didn't feel right. It was a fairly cerebral decision.
Funny enough, once we actually had DD three months ago, it has felt completely right. It's hard and exhausting, but it was definitely the right decision. We just take everything one step at a time and work things out as they happen.
I knew that I wanted children and didn't think too much about the other stuff. I figured we'd muddle through and we did. In fact we enjoyed it so much we decided to crack on quite quickly and have another. I couldn't be more excited about this one arriving.
It's ok to not want to have children if it's not right for you, it isn't for everyone. But at 37 you must decide soon, it would be awful if you decided to go for it but then had difficulties.
Yes it's bloody difficult. However, I made the decision by looking at the bigger picture. The stuff you mentioned like breastfeeding and sleep deprivation only got on for so long. I thought about my life in the future and how it would be in my 50s etc if I did/didn't have kids in it.
As previous poster as mentioned though, you don't have forever to decide. At 37 it's definitely decision time. The older you are, the harder it is to get pregnant.
Thank you all for your comments. I think we are coming to the conclusion that we are just not meant to be parents. We do like the thought of having a little one but we work all week and by the weekend we just want to catch up on things that need doing and then relax. I honestly don't know how you all fit in looking after a child as well as everything else!
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