No sex/no baby(36 Posts)
Was gonna post this in Relationships but this answer to everything is LTB so thought I'd post here.
Me and my OH have been together a decent amount of time and we've always had quite a hectic sex life. We've been trying for a baby for 9ver a year now and suffered a MC in January and a CP in March. Everything was fine up until the beginning of this month, and all of a sudden we just don't have sex anymore . We have only had sex 8 times this month, which I understand is normal or loads for some couples, but not us! It's making me feel low and unattractive and most nights I cry myself to sleep. I have discussed it with him and he just changes the subject or says he's tired. Really don't know what to do, he says he wants a baby but we only had sex once during my FW this month, so I'm pretty much out. Sorry it's rambley but I'm so upset and emotional over this!
Sorry about your MC and CP.
Obviously I don't know what's going through his mind or your mind, but could he be struggling after your losses and afraid of you getting pregnant again in case there's another loss?
Perhaps he's not ready emotionally to deal with the worst case scenario and needs some time to recover.
I agree perhaps he needs a bit more time to process the losses?? I'm so sorry for your mc's
I agree with the previous posts, he may be struggling to deal with your losses and a bit scared of you getting pregnant again. Be gentle on him and yourself, that's a lot to deal with in a short space of time. x
Thing is sex isn't fun anymore is it? From the mans point of view all he can see is pain and upset and that just isn't going to get him revved up. I don't know how my DP managed to perform in the face of my secondary infertility and three miscarriages. I was just a weeping mess and bless him he only curled up and gave me a note from his Mother once 🙊
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through but somehow you've got to try and bring some silliness back in. Stop discussing fertile times and ovulation and just try and go and have some fun. I'm honestly not being facetious, I totally understand where you are at, but unless time isn't on your side (late thirties?) you've got time to chill a bit and maybe let him have his cave time.
Thanks for the replies. Have spoken to him about it and he said it's not the MC that's bothering him, when I asked what was bothering him he changed the subject... when I pressed him just told me to leave it I don't even know what to do or say anymore, I know I soumd like a spolit brat but the lack of intimacy is starting to make me resent him, and find him horribly unattractive. I don't know how to cope with the whole situation without spending all day on the verge of tears everyday.
No. He sounds like the brat. How dare he shut you down and refuse to talk about something that upsets you. He really doesn't sound emotionally ready for a relationship. Much less a child.
That's still having sex every 2.5 days. That's not a lack of intimacy. You say that it's making you find him unattractive but maybe you nagging him about sex that you are still regularly having is making him find you unattractive?
The thing about relationships is that they change. Your attitude to sex changes, either because you're ttc or because you're pregnant or have young children or because you just go through phases where you feel like it less. It's not a problem. It is a problem though if your relationship can't weather the changes.
pottering I should have been more clear, on the days we don't have sex we have no physical contact at all. On the days we do have sex he will kiss, hug, touch me randomly etc. On the days we don't it's like I have a contagious disease! He won't sit by me, we don't kiss AT ALL, no hugs, no touching; literally nothing.
Then that's your issue - sex 8 times a month is a red herring.
What happens if you hug / kiss / touch him?
I think he's being unfair. I've had a similar thing with my DP recently, also following MCs. Not lack of sex but refusing to discuss TTC meaning we can't time it. He wants to "relax and let it happen" but a certain amount of coordination is necessary! It's very upsetting.
If I were you, I would back off for a bit and I bet he will come to you. You shouldn't have to but if the priority is getting pregnant, you may have to pick your battles and bite your tongue. It will happen eventually. I know every month that goes by feels like a step away from the dream but realistically it isn't going to make much difference if you conceive now or in a couple of months. Self imposed deadline can make things so much worse!x
pottering nothing happens... he'll hug/kiss/touch me back with a pained look on his face that he then denies when I question it.
He's fine when I discuss TTC, when I told him my period is late this month he actually got really excited, until I pointed out that I can't be pregnant as we didn't dtd at the right time. He then seemed to have such a low mood, I thought he was going to cry. Just wish he'd open up to me
We've been trying naturally for 6 months and TTC for another 6. The more I think / talk about babies, the less desire my DH has.. it stresses him out. Especially if I mention that I'm ovulating.. this is 100% mood killer for him. Instead I now try to be super sexy during my FW and initiate sex with passion and try not to talk about conceiving much. We are going to do the tests now as it's been over a year.. DH thinks something is wrong with him.. another mood killer.
Perhaps this is something that bothers your DH?
viletta as I said above it's clearly not a TTC issue I don't know what else it could be
Have you considered therapy? It must be a very difficult time given the last few months. Also, I don't think it's the sex that's a problem... It seems to be lack of communication, lack of affection and you seem to feel very low...
I was unsure whether to comment or not on this but I just had one thought - give him another opportunity to talk it out - explain again how you feel and say you're giving him one more chance to make things better, that having a baby together is a huge deal and you have to be on the same page to go into parenthood together, and if he's still insistent that things are ok, leave it. At least for a couple of months, and see how you go. Maybe you just need to take the pressure off a bit - he may not even realise he's behaving the way that he is. Maybe those looks that you say he's giving you aren't really anything. Then, as the poster above has said, maybe suggest therapy?
He's fine when I discuss TTC, when I told him my period is late this month he actually got really excited, until I pointed out that I can't be pregnant as we didn't dtd at the right time.
With all due respect OP you sound like hard work. Having sex 8 times a month and it's not enough? You tell him when he gets excited it's not possible as you missed the (most) fertile window? (There is a chance you can get pregnant at any point in your cycle). Sounds like you need to give him a break.
In the nicest possible way I think you might need to relax a bit. 8 times in one month would be loads for us ordinarily and for lots of people I reckon. I think to say you're resenting him and finding him unattractive because hes only wanted sex a few times a week this month is really unfair. Everyone has ups and downs with their sex drive and ttc isn't that fun.
Do you think he might be avoiding intimacy because he thinks it might lead to sex and he cba?
When you're pregnant and for a bit after your sex life won't be the same how will you cope with that? X
mrs ive been pregnant before so well aware how I'll feel. I take on board that I must seem like very very hard work but our sex life has consisted of 2/3 times a day most days for over 2 years now... I guess I'm struggling to articulate what I mean but something just feels off in the pit of my stomach. There's this gnawing feeling that something isn't right and I just don't know what it is... I guess posting here was a mistake as you'd really need to know us to understand
Maybe he can't figure out what's wrong and therefore is not ready to talk about it? I'm very sorry in advance, but are you implying he might have someone else?
viletta not that he has someone else, more that he just doesn't want me anymore. It's complicated but if he was to leave me it would make life extremely difficult for him and I think that's why he's staying. He just seems to have no regard for my feelings etc and sometimes he just makes me feel so low. I don't even know why I'm still posting, it won't solve anything will it?
I'm very sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. In my experience men often don't analyze their feeling and don't know what they are feeling. Perhaps try to be supportive and give him space and time to figure things out. He might be depressed and it might not have anything to do with you. Stay strong!
Just thought I'd update you all... last night I'd had enough of the evasive behaviour so I pushed and pushed and then I pushed some more. Turns out he lost his job 2 weeks ago, and didn't tell me being as we're TTC and didn't want me to say that we needed to put off trying. He's started a new job Monday just gone so it's all sorted now. Thanks to everyone who replied, I feel SO much better now!
Wow! Glad you managed to get it out of him in the end. Hope all settles now x
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