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How to get DH to DTD?

(15 Posts)
lalaland89 Tue 25-Apr-17 20:48:28

Since we've started TTC my DH has been massively put off. He says it's too much pressure. It's so frustrating every month that passes and he doesn't want to actually DTD. He's just not up for it. He knows I really want a baby. He says he does too (but isn't bothered about it being right now necessarily). A lot of my friends are having babies. Any advice as to how to bring the passion back and get him to want to DTD? The longer this goes on the more desperate I will feel and the less attractive / sexy I will be to him! I would love to be some fun laughing carefree girl who gets pregnant without even trying but clearly that isn't going to happen and I am in danger of turning into scary baby-obsessed monster (and bitter bad friend to all my pregnant friends). What to do?! Why won't he DTD?! He insists he does want kids.

ScarletForYa Tue 25-Apr-17 20:52:05

He says he does too (but isn't bothered about it being right now necessarily)

I'd explore this further, sounds like he's not into the idea. Actions (or lack of) speak louder than words.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 25-Apr-17 20:52:07

This is the only acceptable time to lie /deceive /coerce in a marriage.
Don't tell him anything about your cycle. .
At all.
Tell him ttc is on the back burner for a bit. Date night, film, glass of wine (1 won't affect ttc at all)
Bed with a box of chocolates!!
And see what happens.
Sexy lingerie if necessary!!

Oysterbabe Tue 25-Apr-17 20:54:21

It does really sound like he's not fully on board with ttc right now. I think I'd sit him down for a good talk about it all.

lalaland89 Tue 25-Apr-17 20:57:14

At what age should I become scared that I'm going to be too old to conceive? Early 30s now.

lalaland89 Tue 25-Apr-17 20:58:38

I don't necessarily NEED to have a baby right now. But I have fear of missing out on motherhood and worry about all the risks going up.

Passthecake30 Tue 25-Apr-17 20:58:42

I didn't involve my dp with talks of my cycle at all. Just more wine, baths together etc... mainly when the timing suited me 😜

Wolfiefan Tue 25-Apr-17 20:58:53

It sounds like he doesn't want a baby yet. Your age isn't relevant if he isn't ready.

PolynesianGirl Tue 25-Apr-17 20:59:01

I wouldn't tell him anything about your cycle, ovulation etc...

But I would make it all about having fun and enjoying your self together.
the reality is that DTD for a baby is a pain in the arse when you're u are trying to conceive. There is a huge pressure in the guy to perform and it is really easily becoming DTD to get the sperm and have a go rather than DTD for the pleasure of it iyswim.

So make it fun, dont speak too much about it and do not make making a baby the only reason for having sex.

PolynesianGirl Tue 25-Apr-17 21:02:43

Btw I don't think it is necessarily about him not being ready.
DH had big issues with needing to have sex at a certain time, regardless of whether he was up for it or not. He often said that just the idea that he had to was very much off putting.

He also felt that all the pressure was on him. That he needed to perform. That the whole responsibility was somehow on him to be able to ejaculate at the right time in the month. In effect that sex was becoming a chore. But that, outside of that period, sex was becoming not as important or necessary.

IPokeBadgers Tue 25-Apr-17 22:34:29

Lala I get where you are coming from, my DH has been similar and has also for the last two months somehow managed to to injure himself in the important week making him too sore physically to dtd...starting to think it is (subconsciously) deliberate! It is very frustrating. And I get that in an ideal world, it should all be fun spontaneous sex with no pressure, but in our relationship, leaving it up to him means long droughts in the I have no choice but to instigate at the times that might help us conceive. But it is very hard not to get a bit ratty, especially when time is very much against us because of our ages.

IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy Tue 25-Apr-17 22:44:34

I'm completely on the fence about this. Me and DH were ttc for a very long time and my cycles are all over the place so didn't have to concentrate our efforts. When we went through treatment and it was very very important to dtd on the right days etc it was awful.
I tried not to involve him in my cycles and he didn't like that because if he then wasn't in the mood etc my reaction was disproportionate because I know how important it was. But when I involved him fully we had a few issues of performance stress.

It's an awful thing to go through. The only thing I can suggest is sex off the table for a month and an honest conversation. If he doesn't want this now, you're never going to get him onboard, and if he is, he needs to understand that it's not fair for the burden to be 100% on you.

CreamCheez Tue 25-Apr-17 22:51:51

You've had the baby chat. He said he wants one too. I wouldn't mention it again... Just be up for more sex. And not just during the fertile window. But make extra efforts then, say nothing...

MaisyPops Tue 25-Apr-17 22:58:05

This is the only acceptable time to lie /deceive /coerce in a marriage.
No its not.

A friend of mine was up for having baby number 2 in due course. His wife was on the pill but crazy for another baby. They had a surprise baby.
To this day he thinks she accidently forgot to take the pill properly.
Before the cries of "he clearly wasn't bothered or he'd have used a condom too" (double contraception is never mentioned to women on here), he adores his daughter and wouldn't change her for the world but it's definitely created a niggle with his wife about how much of a surprise it was.

lalaland89 Wed 26-Apr-17 15:49:10

Thanks so much for the replies. It really helps to know I'm not alone here! I don't think it's because he's not ready... I just think he hates the pressure and it's off-putting and I get that! Thank you.

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