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i need to try and make some peace with it all if it doesnt happen - tips?

(7 Posts)
AprilSkies44 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:18:14

i wasnt sure where to post this. it didnt seem to fit in infertility. i got pg last year but due to abnormalities with the baby (i found out later she was a girl) i didnt continue with the pregnancy.

so im not infertile. well i wasnt. following the loss of my daughter i got pelvic inflammatory disease.
i lost her in june and started ttc again in october, and its not happened. at first i just thought it would, but we had a holiday, relaxed, its not happened again.
i have adult children from a previous relationship and im lucky to have them.
and now i need to find a way to make some peace with it if it doesnt happen again at all. im 45. i had always had lovely regular 30 day cycles even after losing the baby but my last cycle went haywire and after getting a seemingly positive opk at CD23 i didnt get AF until CD50!! its all going a bit nuts and i need to now come to terms with the fact i may not get pg again. ive decided no more opks.
i talked to my dp about private investigations/clomid etc and he is completely against that - he said if it happens it happens and if it doesnt it doesnt. he seems ok with that. i thought he really wanted children but he went down the IVF route with his ex and clearly doesnt want to do that again. (it wasnt successful)

so now i need to find a way to make peace with it if it doesnt happen. im now really thinking its probably much less likely to given my age, my cycles going wappy, and i need to find a way to push it out of my mind and stop the constant symptom spotting each month.
i have an app on my phone which tracks your cycle, pinpoints the supposed fertile window and counts down the days until you can poas....
im thinking i need to get rid of this for a start? its just hard because it feels like that would be very final - and letting go of that hope is what im finding hard to do, and yet i have to.

we have a decent life without children of our own. it just would have been the icing on the cake but our lifestyle is ok - not lavish by any means but we enjoy our time as a couple.

i just need to make peace.

MrsCharlieD Wed 19-Apr-17 08:50:46

That sounds incredibly hard. I think in your position I would delete the app, throw away the opk's and just see if nature will take its course. Unfortunately at 45 time is not on your side and the quality of your eggs could be affected. But people do get pregnant naturally and go on to have healthy babies. It's just life's great lottery isn't it. You have children already which is such a blessing. If they are adults then grandchildren may not be too far in the future also, I secretly think my mum loves her grandchildren more than us 😉.

I hope you can come to make peace with whatever you decide and who knows, you still could conceive naturally. I wish you luck x

MrsBobDylan Wed 19-Apr-17 09:02:32

I set a time limit to the number of months I was prepared to try for (6) and decided that if I did get pregnant in that time, if it ended in a loss again, I would stop.

It's crazy how it takes over your world isn't it? And in our 40s it just feels like although the odds are stacked against us, there is always that chance which keeps us hoping (and trying).

Maybe you could do another 6 months then agree with yourself to let it go? Think about doing a trip you wouldn't have been able to, or taking up a hobby that again, a baby would have stopped you from doing. And if you do decide to walk away from trying, get rid of the apps etc. I lost my phone and all my TTC data and it was actually a relief!

Good luck with whatever you choose, it's not

Chattycat78 Wed 19-Apr-17 09:23:29

I would definitely stop tracking every month- you're torturing yourself!

Start thinking of the positives of things you can't do with a baby in tow too (exotic holidays!) and you are right that you're very lucky to have kids already. Some people reach your age and couldn't have children at all.

It's not impossible that you could get pregnant again for sure, but I would try to be realistic if you can and not actively ttc. Easier said than done I know.

AprilSkies44 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:18:05

thank you all for the replies.

i know some people dont have any children and i do realise im lucky, it just doesnt take away that longing to have another with my dp who so wanted children and never did, i felt so so sorry for him when we lost our baby, and i think it just got worse after that for me, i was into the second trimester so had really fallen in love with the whole idea of being a mum again.

i look (stare) at the ttc data every bloody day. so im about to take the plunge and delete it. ill mark in my diary when im on my period and that will be that. its all i was doing when i got pg last april.
im bloody exhausting during that supposed fertile week, its every day and im not even sure its probably isnt right at all.

we went to thailand this year and dp really wants to do it again early next year for some winter sun.
maybe we just plan that trip.
thanks all

user1471471849 Wed 19-Apr-17 17:46:06

Hi April, I feel the same as you. I feel I need to have a plan b on what if it doesnt work and move on. I'm giving it another 4 months and then moving on. That's the plan anyway but who knows how I'll feel. I have 2 kids already but would love a third, but I'm 41 so it's not a given.

I was thinking maybe my husband and I and the kids should do stuff that would be hard to do with a baby, like hiking up a few mountains or doing something drastic like buying a camper van and going surfing in Eastern Europe. its very hard to contemplate moving on but at some stage I may have to and don't want to live in a permanent waiting mode.

Hope you find some peace with it all. Would counselling help? Re fertile time, I was told by my consultant every second day is fine. Couldn't manage much more anyway! I was temp tracking but stopped it all as it was white noise anyway, temps all over the place so now I just mark in period details.

AprilSkies44 Wed 19-Apr-17 21:59:16

thanks user - made me feel a bit more ok knowing im not the only one!

ive deleted the app. go me....step 1 to acceptance maybe. ive just put circles in the diary for periods and now i know ill forget when the next one is due so hopefully forget about it. if the last cycle is anything to go by ive no idea when its due anyway.....may or june if its the same!

dp wont broach the subject of clomid or any kind of intervention. that should make it easy for me, (i wish)
seems thats pretty much that is that. i love my adult kids so should just make the most of those. just hard cos dp doesnt get why im still subbing them at 19 and sure he would have "got it" if he had had his own. im just sad that he will never know that kind of love but its his choice now - and he could have stopped pissing me about a few years ago if he really wanted them i suppose. (long story. )

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