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Anyone else's DP change mind about ttc after a few months of bfns?

(13 Posts)
ITGurl Thu 16-Mar-17 03:40:21

I'm very sad and annoyed. That's it he's said. No more ttc.
We were ttc number 3 for only about 3 months. He said he felt pushed into it and never really wanted to. Now he wants to stop.
I feel really sad and angry that he's changed his mind just like that and his decision is the decider. I don't think he will be swayed.
I should stop reading the conception boards. Can't really take in that that part of my life is over.

PollytheDolly Thu 16-Mar-17 05:18:01

Can you tell us more? Any other children? How long have you been together?

Oldschool41 Thu 16-Mar-17 06:40:32

Hi ITgirl,
My partner was the same a little while back, I mentioned having a baby and he was positive he did not want anymore, as he has 5 from previous and I have 3. With a little persistence he agreed for me to come off the pill and if it's meant to be then it will happen. I just think some men don't like the planning of it all, it's too much pressure. Try talking to him again as that's the key understanding each other's feelings etc 😀

littlemimosa Thu 16-Mar-17 07:15:12

OP yes. I was in the exact same position as you last autumn.
We were ttc baby number 3 last summer. We had three months at it then DH said he wanted to stop. I was devastated and know exactly how you feel when you say you're not ready for that part of your life to be over. I was heartbroken. I left it for a few months hoping I could get over it/move on but I had a big meltdown in front of him last month and told him how I was feeling and we are now on month one of ttc again. I don't have any advice for you as such. Each relationship is different but agree with whoever said keep talking and communicating. It's extreme but could you both consider some couples counselling to help with all that? It's a very tricky situation you're in. It affected our relationship badly as it was the first time in our marriage that we wanted different things. It's hard. I feel for you so much. A woman's urge to have a baby is primal and when you can't it's awful. I wish you luck and hope one day you (and I!) will hold that much wanted baby x

ITGurl Thu 16-Mar-17 08:57:51

Thank you. Will post more later at lunch time. Yes, its so primal and hard to accept. I ignored him when he left for work this morning. we have two DC who are perfect and part of his fear is that we can't be so lucky on no. 3, now we are older, etc. We are not that old!

littlemimosa Thu 16-Mar-17 09:59:09

How old are you?? We're both in our early 40s. I get your DHs worries. That was exactly the same with mine. We have agreed that if there is anything wrong at the scan we'd terminate. Obv I know not all abnormalities are picked up on a scan but it was part of our 'deal'.

ITGurl Thu 16-Mar-17 10:43:22

We agreed similar, to get harmony as early as we can. I'm 36. Not ancient.

Fruitcocktail6 Thu 16-Mar-17 11:03:32

PollytheDolly DId you actually read the OP?

ITGurl Thu 16-Mar-17 12:58:26

I just hope, if he won't be swayed, that I'll resent it. Or, if he does change his mind, that he won't resent me. Things were good before this. And like littleM above, its the first real diffeence we have. Even the last babies, we were very agreeable on ways to bring them up, names, etc. We are very similar people.
He's also said he fears a return of the sleepless nights etc. His view is very short term, he's not looking at the big picture as much as I am.
I want another mainly to give their siblings more support, particularly when their older, a bigger team so to speak. And I don't want the baby days to be over, I love babies, being pregnant, the labour, it was all easy for me. I would be sad if I never got another go at that.
I would like to have 3 to make our house seem busy. Sounds crazy maybe but I don't feel finished at 2.

HazyDays81 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:44:28

I am also trying for #3. We have always wanted 3 (though yesterday my DH said he didn't know how we'd manage with a another!). Think this was just because he had a bad day though. We've been ttc for 6 months. I have similar feelings in that my family just doesn't feel complete & I can't imagine not carrying another baby. I hope you're able to bring DP around to your way of thinking. Perhaps he just needs a little more time to get used to the idea. And no at 36 you're definitely not too old (I'm 35).

littlemimosa Thu 16-Mar-17 14:38:11

ITgurl, all the things you have written about not feeling complete, wanting to do pregnancy/birth all over again, wanting a 'team', wanting more siblings for your DC I could've written myself. I feel EXACTLY the same. And I agree about men seeing the shorter term picture not the bigger picture and the lifelong benefits to all. If I'm honest the thought of doing all the sleepless nights again and the nappies etc etc also fills me with some dread but I would do it in a heartbeat for all the reasons which I'm sure you know. I presume you've talked to DH about all this? ie how great it would be long-term etc. What are his reasons? Understandably I think some men feel like they are starting to get their life back a bit after 2 DC (once they aren't babies anymore) so I can understand that. What they don't have is a huge great biological clock screaming at them. It is a very tricky situation because like you say, you hope you don't resent him long-term (if you don't go for it) but you also don't want him to resent you either (if you do). I wish I had an answer or magic formula for you but at least you've got your age on your side for quite a while longer. Unlike me! How old are you other DC?

ITGurl Thu 16-Mar-17 15:37:38

They are getting older and youngest out of nappies in the last year (not trying to be too specific!) and its only recently that night times are really peaceful again. So I see his point, but yes that view is short term.
He's from a huge family who sometimes went without. I think that is also influencing him.
On one hand, I wish I could convince him, but on the other, I really don't want to push him into it. I'd like him to see what I see.
How is your DP feeling now LittleM?
Is he just going along with it for you?

littlemimosa Fri 17-Mar-17 14:42:52

ITgurl, my DH is ok with things right now but I know deep down that he's only really doing it for me. (Thats difficult to admit). He was more than happy to stop at two. I feel a bit guilty about it but the alternative is he feels guilty iyswim? There is no compromise in this situation is there. Either one person gives up their dream or the other person does something they don't want to do. It's not like there's a middle ground. I've got lots of respect for him for this. But I also know that he won't ever regret it. It's not like you could ever regret a child is it. I dunno maybe I'm naive. Anyhow we're getting on a bit so it may never happen! There is more to all this so PM me if you'd like to chat more. I'm going to out myself at this rate x

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