Going insane, DH keeps changing his mind when to start TTC, so upset :-((43 Posts)
Hi I am new here and for the wrong reasons!
I am at my wits end and it's really beginning to affect me to the point where I am crying almost every day over it.
I just turned 33 and my husband of almost 2 years is nearly 36. We have been together for 7 years and known one another for about 15 years. We always spoken openly when we first got together about raising a family and he always said he would like as many kids as possible!
He still maintains he definitely wants children, but my issue is that he keeps changing the goalposts on when! He has backed out on previous agreements and its really upsetting and angering me to the point of feeling like I am going mad.
We both agreed to spend out first year of marriage with just us, having adventures, partying, getting our bucket list items ticked, travelling, e.t.c. and said we would think about kids after our first anniversary. So shortly after our 1st anniversary (May 2016), he then suggested we wait until January 2017 because we had a 3 week motorcycle trip planned for the Autumn anyway. But I always said, from the start, that I would ideally like our first child before I was 34 (which is a year from now).
We are financially and job secure, have a good support network of family and friends. We are currently househunting for a bigger house out of the city and going to rent our current property we are in as there is not much left on the mortgage and we see it as an investment. We have a pretty good deposit saved for our next move as well.
Anyway so I agreed to waiting until January this year, and told him I would come off the pill in October 16 so that it gave my body a few months chance to get regulated normal cycles. So since that we used condoms and him the PO method.
Around Christmas time he THEN said he would rather we wait longer until we have '£x' amount of a deposit saved!! Which really annoyed me that he put a number on when to start trying for our own family!! Admittedly at this point I was going through a tough time with a sudden death in my family and my Mum was about to start more treatment for cancer, so I was under a bit of stress at that point and never really responded to him saying this.
However I brought up the subject at the end of January and AGAIN he changed the time and said to wait until we had moved into a bigger house (before we ALWAYS said it would be ok to have a baby in our current house, as long as we are moved out of it by the time they are nursery age, so thats obviously years away)!!! We have been househunting for 6 months and the market is not that great so thats like saying how long is a piece of string!!! Plus he knows I will be 34 in a years time!
I have calmly explained how my age can be an issue when trying to conceive and that if we want a couple of kids, the risks over age 35 are more, e.t.c. but I dont think he really understands or is concerned?! I understand that he wants to have all our ducks sitting in a row, be settled in our new home, not have the stress of moving and buying a house with a pregnant wife or baby, but people do it and get on with it and survive!!!
I have explained my feelings on the matter and so has he, and it seems we can not reach an agreement or middle ground. It has put me off sex with him and I am beginning to feel resentful of him flipping the script several times.
It was my birthday 2 days ago, I cried in private the whole day because I just felt so sad that we were not on the same page and I feel that he has disrespected our previous agreements on the issue and its looking more and more unlikely that we will have our firstborn by the time I am 34.
Of course I want us BOTH to be ready and want it at the same time, but I cant help how I feel now with this brewing. Time is of the essence and there never really is a 'right' time to have a baby. Whilst I understand where he is coming from - in that he a man and feels he wants to be a good provider, he probably is a bit scared (who isnt?),have a better home for us, e.t.c. - but he is not understanding of my feelings. He also said he wants us to be healthier when trying to conceive (eating better, cutting down on drinking, stopping smoking, e.t.c. ), but I think now this is just him stalling and making up excuses. Obviously if we were trying to conceive I would take care of my body better and healthier.
All of my friends already have children or are pregnant and it adds to the hurt when they keep asking about when we are going to try, e.t.c. I cant bring myself to tell them how I am feeling.
I get what people have suggested in their comments on other sites, that we should wait for them to come around, e.t.c. but I also agree with the people saying that it's unfair for the man to have full control of the decision!
I do not feel I am being unreasonable at all, he has changed his mind three times now and led me to believe we were going to go down a certain path, only to stop and change it! And there is nothing I can really do about it!
He really is a wonderful man, he is a very good husband, lover and my best friend, good job, supportive (except for this issue lol), sensible with money, e..t.c. the list is long and until lately we have still been in the honeymoon phase, very affectionate with one another and not liking being apart for too long. However now I find it difficult with being in his company because of how I feel. There is no way I waiting until we move house because that could take up to or over a year at this rate!
Anyway, after thinking a lot over the past few days and reading comments on other sites, I am going to request that we seek counselling over it. I don't know what else to do and can not control my feelings. At the end of the day it has left me feeling unhappy, we can not resolve the issue over talking, so I feel we need to try this route to come to some sort of mutual ground. It's driving a wedge and I can not go on feeling like this every single day.
Does anyone have any advice or stories similar to this? What happened?
Thank you for reading xx
I hope he doesn't waste your time and rob you of your child bearing years before he tells you he doesn't want any children.
Please have a serious conversation then decide what is important to you. Good luck.
Has he told you what he's afraid of? Have your friends been telling him horror stories? I think you agreed to a date and you've been very patient. There's only so long you can wait if you definitely want children.
It doesn't sound as though he does want children to be honest. Sounds more like he is placating you with the idea that he will "one day".
Sorry to read about your situation, that sounds very frustrating and upsetting. You've done all the right things by talking to him and explaining how you feel and your concerns about getting older etc. I definitely think counselling is a good idea, it could be that there's an underlying reason for his reluctance to take that next step. However, you can't expect him to agree to have a baby that he doesn't want, whether that's because he's not ready or has just decided that it's not for him.
Good luck, I hope you manage to come to an agreement where everyone's happy.
It really isn't fair of him to keep changing when you can start TTC. Sit him down and tell him he isn't being fair. Your clock is ticking and you need to crack on. A really serious chat is due, good luck x
So sorry you are going through this. I also have a 'reluctant' DH when it comes to big life steps. Getting married (took 9 years), starting to try for a family and buy our first home have all been a battle. It's exhausting and I really feel for you.
We started trying just over a year ago and nothing has happened. We've now been referred to a specialist.
I don't want to scare you but you really need to get cracking. Especially if you want more than one.
Don't cry in private - cry in front of him. He needs to know how much this means to you.
Basic details is spot on. Read her/his post several times.
He doesn't want children. This is going to sound really harsh but I mean it helpfully - some men prefer to have children when they're quite a bit older e.g late 40s and do so with a younger woman.
It does sound like he doesn't want children and should not be wasting your time in this way. The old adage is true that if you wait for the 'perfect' time to have children, then you will never have them.
Moving when pregnant, whilst not ideal might not be terrible. You're only heavily pregnant for a matter of weeks really. Similar for the holidays. He is stupid to assume that you would fall pregnant and carry to term the first month of trying. Mumsnet is unfortunately full of women who have encountered pitfalls on the way, myself included. A year of regular unprotected sex is normal to even get a positive test.
If he really does want children, he needs to get on board with trying NOW and keep working towards your ideal lifestyle as normal alongside. It might take a month, it might take years, but this stalling is not on.
Have you ever just calmly said "No, that doesn't work for me at all, and seeing you back tracking makes me wary of your real motivations"?
My DH was a bit cagey about starting ttc. I asked him to come up with a list of pros and cons. I answered any questions he had about finance etc (as I had been doing lots of research). I then explained that by dithering, he was taking the decision not to due to his inaction. That, and the fact he could see there was no perfect time to start, spurred him into action and DS is now almost 18 months. He was born just after I turned 34. You need to talk to him - it was a really awkward few conversations but it was worth it in the end.
I would be really angry over this!!
I would lay it on the line, no condoms from now on or it is over
He doesn't want children. Don't waste your fertile years with him.
My ex sol and good friend still as it happens had the same problem with my brother. Kept saying he didn't want them yet etc then finally left her aged 40 for another woman and now they foster and he always has a house full of kids and loves it. Too late for my d exsil though who decided to choose him as she loved him so much for all her fertile years over having children.
I have a slightly similar story, only DH and I knew we'd have to go down the IVF route. He kept putting it off. In the end I told him our marriage wouldn't last another year unless we went ahead. Just as well, as it took us 5 years to conceive, by which time I was almost 40!
But his reason turned out to be because he's Aspergic and hates all change (except marriage - he proposed pretty damn quickly). It took me ages to realise but he stalls on absolutely anything that requires effort and change - moving house, redecorating, going abroad for a holiday. I'm used to it now and have tactics to deal with it.
Not suggesting your DH has Aspergers, but wanted to point out that the reason isn't always that they just don't want to and have led you on. DH really did want kids and has been a devoted dad every since.
I feel for you! Have you tried discussing the romantic side of having children?? As in the emotional side rather than the practical side to bring him round to your way of thinking? It's very much a man thing to feel as he feels whereas women tend to get 'broody' (sorry for the huge generalisation!)
Talk about why a baby would make you happy and why it would a great decision. Get him carried away with the romance and the emotion of it rather than numbers in a bank account. Remind he why he wanted them in the first place!
Money and stability, while.important, isn't everything and he may well regret the decision to postpone. Ask him how he would feel if it took a year or more to fall with your first? Wouldn't he regret it? Ask if you can just casually start having unprotected sex if and when you feel like it so he can feel chilled about it. I found the more forceful I was the more DH backed off. When I appeared relaxed about it and 'sold' the sensitive side of having a family he was more willing to discuss it as it was still (in his mind) a long way off and more of a fantasy. Fast forward about 6 weeks and we started trying! Good luck x
I agree he doesn't want children, not maybe till he's older and then with someone else younger as others have said. Don't end up watching him being father of the year like my disl did when its too late for you. He's not nice he' s emotionally abusive. They are always nice in other ways abusers it's all part of the control over you. My exh was abusive but always cooked lovely meals from scratch for all of us every evening and all weekend. Still physically and mentally abused me though and then could argue how good he was to me when l threatened leave.
You're going to have to lose the plot with him. You've let him put it off so many times he thinks its ok to keep doing it. He needs to be told that if he doesnt commit to starting a family then its the end. Tell him how it feels to have someone steal your chance at having a family away. You only get one chance at life.
Thank you all for your replies and advice. I am relieved to know I am not being too selfish and that I am somehow in the wrong. I am genuinely not hounding him or putting pressure on, because I know this will make things more tense than they already are on the subject. But a few of you have gave me food for thought on how to approach it more firmly. Anyway, it is the elephant in the room these days and he only has himself to blame.
I am 99.9% sure he definitely DOES want children. Prior to getting married when we saw the minister and when he spoke about children, we both agreed and spoke of our commitment to raising a family together if God blessed us with one. DH is very honest and has Christian values, also he often talks about what we would name our children, where to take them on holiday, building them a treehouse, e.t.c. and I do not believe he would tell me bare faced lies and lead me up the garden path so blantantly after being together for over 6 years. I know he wouldn't. If he is I will be utterly shocked!
His best mate and his wife recently had a baby and apart from a 4 day labour and complete exhaustion, he has told DH how complete they feel and how it's all worth it.....so he has some scary stories mixed with the romantic side of them.
DH is a bit of a perfectionist and likes to have plans in place at certain times (which he knows isn't always realistic), and I have said that it just doesn't work like that when TTC and having kids, you can't just slot a baby in when you want!
I do feel at the end of my tether here.
My husband was a bit like that, in that it was a bit scary saying "from now" we are ttc. But nearly a year later we still have nothing... this is NOT something you can completely plan for or control. Maybe saying let's not try. Or prevent might be a way forward??
Ttc has affected my marriage Ina lot of ways and we're starting to think individually there might be something 'wrong'. I am much more negative and bitter than I was. I throw my toys out of the Pram where I used to be really patient. Talking and communication is key!!
Start talking. You might not like what you hear but at least it will then be out in the open!
It's time to lose your shit with him.
Scream. Cry. Tell him how hurt and devastated and angry you feel. Tell him you can't go on like this. Tell him he commits to ttc or you are done with him.
Stop protecting him - whatever his reasons, he's messing you around and that can't go on. He mans up and pulls his finger out, or you're out.
Also, and I'm sorry to be blunt, prepare yourself for the fact that he may abstractly want a family 'some day' (especially if he is Christian where having children is expected) but not be willing to man up and actually deal with the reality of children ever.
I think you need to lose it with him... show him just how much he has hurt you!... i spent 4 years with a guy who wanted All of those things but i kept protecting him like you are... turns out he was only ready to commit when i packed my stuff and left the family home we had bought as that was the last step before we were gonna get married and TTC and it still never happened! They tease you with dates and times etc but it never reaches the right time... if you do leave he will cry and tell you he now feels ready... ignore it he will be one of those types that wont ever give you sex even though you are TTC
After leaving i met my DH and got married and are now pregnant with DC 1 all in the space of 2 years!
He sounds like a knob. Get rid and find someone who doesn't keep stringing you along.
The problem is that very few women believe their husband could be lying to them about wanting children until it's too late. The facts are that he keeps building walls to block it.
I'm sad to say that it either sounds like he doesn't want children or he does but not right now, or not with you, and you don't have half as much time as him.
I'd be having a serious chat about either TTC now or leaving so you stand a chance of being able to TTC with someone else.
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