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How to have the "I want a baby" talk

(40 Posts)
badgerbollard Wed 22-Feb-17 18:52:43

Reposting here from chat, have tried to shorten down a bit.

I've recently found out that I have very low ovarian reserve, and also endometriosis and adenomyosis. This seems to have sparked something in me, and all I can think of is desperately wanting to start to try to conceive, mindful that it may take us some time. I don't know if it's hormones but I'm suddenly broody as hell.

I've tried to gently mention this to DP but he just seems to just clam up. I don't want to keep nagging or bringing it up all the time and to seem like a crazy baby lady (!!!) but I just don't know how to approach this.

How did you all have "the baby talk"? It seems so silly to not be able to talk frankly, please tell me I'm not alone!

OneWithTheForce Wed 22-Feb-17 18:55:31

It sounds like you have approached it and he gave a pretty clear response! Do you mean how to discuss it so he agrees?

If a baby is a deal breaker for you you need to be extremely direct with him and tell him you want a baby, you want to start TTC straight away or at X point and that if he doesn't wholeheartedly want that he needs to tell you now.

Toottootcar Wed 22-Feb-17 18:58:04

Don't nag, you need to have one proper talk to go over it all. He doesn't get to just ignore the issue, you've a right to know if it's on the cards now/someday/never. Is it a long standing relationship? Do you live together etc?

badgerbollard Wed 22-Feb-17 18:59:08

Sorry, I think I probably left out a couple of important bits when I tried to slim down my original post.

He was previously very open about wanting a baby one day. Now with possible fertility issues, I want to start, or at least decide a time when we will start, but it feels to me that he is avoiding the subject. Perhaps I'm not being blunt enough!

I just don't know if a formal sit down and be frank is needed or if there's a gentler way of approaching this! Do I just say "I want a baby?!" blush

badgerbollard Wed 22-Feb-17 18:59:34

And yes, we've been together 3 years, living together for 2.

OneWithTheForce Wed 22-Feb-17 19:02:26

Yes you need to be blunt. It's one of those conversations that has to be 100% agreed upon. You can't leave it hanging and just hope it will happen eventually. It has to be active agreement. He doesn't get to be non committal on this one. It's too important.

KitKat1985 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:03:22

Can you go out to dinner or something and bring the subject up over dinner, so he can't slink off and avoid the conversation?

passingthrough1 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:13:10

Yeah I think it needs to be a big talk.

With us I used to drop in casually (well we both did) to conversations about how I / we wanted children some day. Then once we were living together over a bottle of wine I said I want to start trying in x years time, he agreed that time frame made sense for us. As it got nearer the time we discussed it often.

MrsBobDylan Wed 22-Feb-17 19:13:18

You need to tell him that you want to start trying for a baby. If he blanks you, changes the subject or walks away then I'm afraid you probably have your answer.

I hope it works out for

RhinestoneCowgirl Wed 22-Feb-17 19:17:17

Yes, agree you need to be upfront.

Do you think he might be worried about fertility problems and is finding it difficult to articulate it?

FairyLightsAway Wed 22-Feb-17 19:23:05

You need to open with him. Say that the all these test results have made you re consider your fertility timeline and layout all out for him. Then try and give him space to think about it but agree a time/date to talk about it in a non emotionally charged way.

If you are planning a baby with someone you should be able to have a very very honest chat about feelings. DP didn't really agree with my timeline so we agreed on a joint timeline, 18 months later than I wanted to start but a few years before he wanted to. But fact of the matter is we talked, and talked and talked then came to that joint decision.

Jessiecat27 Wed 22-Feb-17 19:42:01

Just be open with him, my dp always said he never wanted children but a few months ago he turned round out of the blue and told me he had changed his mind, I think for him it was the worry of not being good enough and not feeling mature enough but now we're ttc! He could just be feeling pressured to conceive straight away in case it doesn't happen straight away but he needs to know how you're feeling!

Oysterbabe Wed 22-Feb-17 19:55:51

Are there any plans to marry? If you do agree to have children this is something you also need to think about, protecting yourself financially.

expatinscotland Wed 22-Feb-17 20:04:26

What Oyster said and MrsBobDylan. I didn't have fertility issues, and I was only 28 and married for 5 years, but my ex h and I went round and round with this. Luckily, time was on my side, but when I was 30 (he was 34) we divorced when he finally admitted he never wanted children, ever.

Very low ovarian reserve means you might not have a great deal of time like that (I ended up being 32 when I had my first, after remarrying).

A very frank discussion is in order here. Does he realise with your medical issues, it needs to be sooner rather than later?

Katkin14 Wed 22-Feb-17 20:04:44

It depends how your DP likes to process things. My DH is the kind of person who needs to mull things over in his own time. If I went for the blunt talk option about anything he'd probably just say no. I've learnt to drop a few hints, bide my time and let him start thinking about a concept on his own. Then we come back to it properly a while later.

I think often with things like this, one partner can be mulling things over in their heads and come to a conclusion. You then share it with your partner and expect them to be onboard instantly. Whereas the partner needs the same chance to think it through iyswim.

Maybe he was onboard with kids as a vague far off plan, but needs time to think about it being more immediate.

expatinscotland Wed 22-Feb-17 20:14:19

Thing is, time is of the essence here.

bluefeathers Wed 22-Feb-17 20:27:23

Controversial but... if you know he loves you and you both want kids one day then do you have to talk it over? Although of course you may want to go to a fertility clinic now to give it your best chance?

I 'did the right thing' and asked - DH felt a bit anxious so we waited and now we're struggling. DH says he wished I'd just come off the pill quietly and surprised him with happy news. He feels more pressure now we're 'officially' trying but I felt it has to be a joint decision. He says many men don't feel ready and panic when the discussion comes up - but that all his friends who were surprised by their partners say although a shock at first they've been delighted and it's the best thing that ever happened! He has lovely friends though!

I also have a fair few friends (in secure relationships) who say they fell pregnant 'accidentally' and I do wonder...

allthecheese Wed 22-Feb-17 20:31:57

I found that my DH had the opinion that the first time we have unprotected sex we will have a baby. I had to spend a long time educating him about how long it takes and how difficult it could be.

Is your DH the same maybe? I just think sex ed in the UK is terrible at being honest about what it takes to get pregnant, and gives everyone the impression that it's an instant thing.

KitKat1985 Wed 22-Feb-17 20:52:44

Bluefeathers - Sorry but I think that's really bad advice. A baby should be wanted by both parents, and there's no guarantee that OP's DP would view it as 'happy news' if a baby isn't something he wants right now.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 22-Feb-17 21:28:35

How old are you both?

kitkat - When I was on the conception boards many years ago there was a woman there tracking her cycles, using OPKs, calculating her fertile week etc but would quite openly tell people that her DP wasn't aware she was doing it. They'd discussed babies, he'd said he wasn't ready yet but she had decided to come off the Pill anyway and TTC without his knowledge as she was adamant he'd be "happy about it really" if she fell pregnant. I used to find reading her posts made me feel so uncomfortable as that deception is just abhorrent and she genuinely couldn't see that what she was doing was wrong.

badgerbollard Wed 22-Feb-17 21:57:40

Thank you for all advice so far. I turn 29 next week, he is 33.

I find it interesting that there is an assumption that I, as the woman, need to marry for financial security. hmm

Marriage is something I do want, but with the fertility issues it's not something I would insist upon before having a child.

I definitely couldn't deceive him by accidentally falling pregnant, I don't think I could live with myself. I want TTC to be an experience we decide upon and go through together.

Oysterbabe Wed 22-Feb-17 22:08:34

Sexist as it may seem, in the vast, vast majority of cases it is the woman who becomes a SAHM or goes part time to look after children. You see it all too often on here where the woman makes all the sacrifices in her career and is left in a difficult position when the relationship breaks down. This may not be the case for you but it is for many.

KitKat1985 Thu 23-Feb-17 08:34:43

WriterWannabe83 - That's shocking. I can't believe some women genuinely think it's okay to do that.

Have you decided the best way to approach this with him now Badger?

Iggi999 Thu 23-Feb-17 09:20:21

Oyster babe is right. And even if you are determined to work full-time and maintain your career, a lot of women see promotions and opportunities mysteriously dry up once they announce their first pg...
The pay gap being what it is is not down to lots of women making bad choices!

KitKat1985 Thu 23-Feb-17 11:07:46

I hear you Iggi. After having DD1 my manager actually told me not to bother applying for a promotion whilst I had pre-school children as I couldn't be flexible enough to meet the demands of the role.

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