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Desperate to Conceive but DH not interested

(15 Posts)
petal5 Wed 28-Feb-07 13:18:51

Not sure if this should be on this board or the relationships one so sorry if its in the wrong place. I have 2 kids, 8 and 4. I would love to have another but DH is dead against the idea. DH has a good job and has done well in it. I work part time and have no degree etc so cant really move much further in my job. I wanted to go back to uni but finances and kids prevent me from doing so. The one thing that I do well and really enjoy is looking after my kids. I do everything for them, run after them - they are my life. DH works shifts and so I am often alone with the kids. I dont mind - its my life and I enjoy it. Its what I do. I would love to have another child soon so that there isnt a really big age gap between them. DH says we are fine as we are and really doesnt want another child. He says we are happy as we are and that the kids are at a great age. Dont get me wrong, I agree but I dont feel complete. 2 years ago DH had an affair and I took him back. We have made a go of things and have worked through it, its been hard but I think we have come out the other end and are happy. Both my 2 children constantly ask if I can have another baby. I had my eldest when I was young and all of our friends are only now starting to think about starting a family. When someone tells me that they are pregnant I am desperately jealous. Another friend has just had a baby and I havent been to see them as I am so jealous. I keep making excuses as to why I cant call round. Its taking over my every thought - I constantly think about getting pregnant, baby names, what life will be like when he/she arrives, how my other 2 will react - honestly I think I am going mad - not a day goes past when I dont think about it. I'm really down at the minute and cry when I see pregnant people or new borns. I have got a mirena coil so would have to have it removed - I would never do this behind DH's back and I would never get pregnant against his wishes.
Sorry for the long post, I need to get it off my chest and get some advice.

scorpio1 Wed 28-Feb-07 13:24:36

you sound exactly like me,6 months ago.dp swore he didnt want anymore (we have 2) and that was that.i sat him down and explained all of what you have just written to him,and he listened.we agreed to have another chat in 3 months (we booked a date and a babysitter)to re-evaluate.this gave him time to think.i had my coil out 1 month ago(with his permission) after 18 months of feeling like you do.we sat down together and worked out finances and time management together(i go to uni)too,so we knew we were doing the right thing.

this worked for me

luciemule Wed 28-Feb-07 13:29:46

Hello Petal5 - I can really sympathise with you on this one as I've been in exactly the same predicament as you. About 2/3 months ago I started feeling mega broody (just like you - jealous at pregnany friends etc) so brought up the subject with DH. He feels that 2 is plenty and we would always be able to give them what they need but three might be a burden finacially (we are not badly off but he seems to think it'll make a huge difference). However, I thought I only wanted 2 (we have a DD 5 and DS 2) but now I still don't feel complete. He says he would love 3 at some point but worries about the money and how another will effect our 2 (especially my DD who is very sensitive and craves attention in a nice way). I don't to always go through life feeling that we should have had another. Perhaps you should take you DH out for dinner and chat about it frankly and explain that you don't feel finished with 2, although you love them, and him very much.
IMPO, I think everyone worries about the financial aspects of a 3rd child but I think it's a question of balancing it all out and spending on the important things and letting the not so important things take a back seat for a while. Good luck with whatever you and DH decide.

petal5 Wed 28-Feb-07 13:36:27

Thanks Scorpio - We have talked about it - I pour my heart out, he says "I dont want anymore" and thats the end of the conversation. He's of the stubborn, refuses to talk about things - sort!

PinkElephant Wed 28-Feb-07 14:16:18

Petal - poor you what an awful situation to be in. Is it finances that are worrying him by having another? Or perhaps the fact he is working shifts and is probably perminantly knackered, as you will be too running after 2 children already. I hope you work it out. Good luck

honeyapple Wed 28-Feb-07 14:35:59

Hi Petals,
You sound like me a year ago! My DP was absolutely against having any more kids- we have 2- 8 and 4- but I have always thought i wanted/needed more. He went on about money etc for a while saying that was the problem, but after further excavation- ie me moaning at him about it!- it came out that he was worried that more children might harm our relationship- he had really struggled when DD was born, and was worried that another DC would push us apart.
So, anyway, we worked really hard on US- and I believe that now we are happier than ever and really get on well. We realised there were some problems with communication etc.. and generally taking each other for granted.
Well, then last summer, DP said he did want another baby! He knew how much I wanted it, but also, he decided that he would also really like another! Last month I got my BFP! So baby number 3 is due in October. We are thrilled to bits of course!

I think men often blame money on reasons not to have more children, but in my case, my DP had deeper reservations- which we got over.

Good luck.

petal5 Wed 28-Feb-07 15:55:02

Congratulations on your pregnancy Honeyapple - btw whst does BFP mean?

He is partly worried about finances but mainly says we are ok as we are and doesnt want to go back to that whole dependant baby era again. Its like banging against a brickwall. He's off for a sideways move (sort of promotion too) in work today and part of me is willing him not to get it - I didnt want him to go for it as it could mean longer hours(but more money). I'm not mean, but I just cant help thinking if I cant go for what I want why should he? Deep down, I do really want him to get it, its the naughty conscience sitting on my shoulder putting bad thoughts into my head!

honeyapple Wed 28-Feb-07 16:38:25

It is a horrid situation to be in. I really understand how you feel. Having another baby, being PG etc... there is something that only women can really understand and appreciate about the desire.
At one point I even thought that perhaps I couldnt stay with DP if he wasnt going to let me have another baby- the feeling was so strong. Fortunately I never had to take that road. Ultimately it will be you who is effected most by having a baby or not.
Talk to him again.

petal5 Wed 28-Feb-07 18:04:55

Its good to hear that I am not the only one who has felt like this and I honestly thought I was. I too have had the same thoughts, that I cant stay with him if he doesnt let me have another - I've gone over what I was going to say too. Thanks for the advice, i will try and talk to him again

EdieMcredie Wed 28-Feb-07 18:11:02

BFP means Big Fat Positive on the pg test!

He has to listen to you fully and you have to explain that he can't just say ''I don't want anymore'' without listening to everything you wrote on here. If he does and he is still saying the same thing then I guess all you can do is re-evaluate later although broodiness is bloody hard I know!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe Wed 28-Feb-07 18:48:17

I think it’s very hard when one party wants another baby and the other doesn’t, however, something about your first post caught my attention.

“The one thing that I do well and really enjoy is looking after my kids.
I do everything for them, run after them - they are my life.”.

it sounds very much to me as if you want to have another baby, possibly because you don’t feel you have anything else in your life that you are good at. I’m not saying that’s the only reason why, but that it is a huge factor. I can absolutely empathise with the broodyness you are feeling, but is it possible that this is made worse by the feeling that you won’t know what to do with yourself if you don’t have another baby? Your youngest is 4, so will be starting school this year most likely, are you possibly in a position where you don’t know what you’re going to do with yourself when your youngest starts school and that having another baby will fill that void?

It doesn’t have to be like that. You are important too, and as much as you love your children and have the need to do everything for them, there is going to come a time when they’re not as dependent on you, and you won’t be able to have a baby every time one starts school.

I think your self confidence is very low, and that having children is a boost for your confidence because you know that’s something you do well.

You need to take care of yourself, go out, have a coffee with friends, go to the jim and have a swim/work out/just a coffee/chat, go clothes shopping and think about what it is you want to do with the rest of your life, because you do have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Of course you should also explain to your dh how you feel about having another baby, but you also do need to take his feelings into consideration, the desire to not have any more babies can be almost as strong as the desire to have one, and he has a right to an opinion as well.

With regards to wanting to leave if he won’t compromise, you should think about what you’re threatening to do, you have two children, there are no guarantees that you could walk out of your marriage straight into the arms of someone who could/would want to give you another baby, and even if you did these things take time, and by then you might have changed your mind and your other children would be older thus having a bigger age gap which is something you said you didn’t want.

You need to sit down and talk to your dh, talk, but also listen to what he has to say, and perhaps the two of you could get away and have some time together without the kids and build on your own relationship as well.

Good luck x

DarrellRivers Wed 28-Feb-07 18:54:18

Give him time to think about the idea, perhaps write down all the reasons that it is so important to you and give it to him.
Sometimes time and them seeing how important it is to you consistently makes a difference.
My Dh was definitely NO NO 1 year ago and now thinks that in the next month or so might probably say yes to 3rd child.
Not a definite yet but fingers crossed so things do change. Good luck, it is a heartbreaking thing.
Also if he does still say no, try to think of all the positive things about having 2 , like more money, holidays easier etc, smaller car, I know it doesn't justify only having 2 , but it might make it easier to bear.

Tortington Wed 28-Feb-07 18:58:31

i think you need to define YOU. not define yourself completely by virtue of having children.

if your dh is so against it - maybe he should have a vasectomy.

sounds like a deal - you dont want anymore - then do something about it.

petal5 Wed 28-Feb-07 19:20:43

Thanks for the advice. My youngest is 4 and already at school so its not the fact that she will be going to school and leaving a void that is making me want another. We've been "discussing" it for about 2 years but a lot more at the minute. I agree with everthing that has been said and I also agree that he has a right to an opinion too, which is why I have tried to talk to him about it so many times. I do have other things in my life besides the kids, I go to the gym, meet friends, am doing a part time cake decorating course, so I do have "me" time. I wouldn't leave him because he doesnt want more kids, I was just trying to explain how strong my feelings are about it.

honeyapple Wed 28-Feb-07 20:01:05

Hi Petal,

You sound even more like me! I think I did wonder whether I wanted another baby so I didnt have to think about what I was going to do with myself- but actually that isnt the case- I do lots of things- (I dont need to prove myself by going out and earning money or having a career outside of the home. Bringing up children should never be undervalued- it is incredibly important for society that there are GOOD mothers bringing up rounded, happy children)...but anyway, there was something inside me that knew I would not be happy unless I had another baby.
Eventually my DP did get the message, and he realised that if I was ever going to be truely happy, then we needed to make our family bigger.

Keep trying to win him over!

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