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Overreaction to a chemical pregnancy?

(15 Posts)
Mamalexi343 Thu 19-Jan-17 12:00:56

Hi all

I'm just after some advice or support or a slap with reality lol

Last Wednesday (13/1) I suffered a chemical pregnancy and of course I was devastated and my DH was very supportive and sympathetic but it's affected me a hell of a lot more than it should, I'm prone to depression and it's something I've struggled with a long time.

He now says I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal however he doesn't understand that having all the symptoms and seeing the BFP only to suddenly have agonising cramps and heavy bleeding so that in itself is a constant reminder it's happened and then the pregnancy symptoms slowly fading away makes you realise you've really lost what was there.

I also have a condition that can make it hard to carry and miscarriages are a big probability so I feel like it's all my fault.

Am I justified in how I'm feeling? Or am I being stupid? Just feels like I'm not allowed to be upset but then I feel like I shouldn't as people say well it's not a real loss because it wasn't a real pregnancy

What are your thoughts?

passmethewine123 Thu 19-Jan-17 12:32:14

So sorry to hear you're taking it so hard.

Everybody deals with things differently but I think it's worth remembering how common chemical pregnancys are, they happen frequently and most people miss them if they don't rest early. It absolutely wasn't your fault, it is just your body doing what it is supposed to do. It picked up on a problem and sorted it out, our bodies are amazing smile
Try not to stress about it, have a CP doesn't make you any less likely to conceive and certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you x

passmethewine123 Thu 19-Jan-17 12:32:56

That should say test early not rest early!

Eliza9917 Thu 19-Jan-17 16:44:18

My understanding was that it is a real pregnancy, just one that sadly ends before its able to be picked up on an ultrasound.

Its the same as any other miscarriage. Just because its early doesn't make it any less upsetting. You still need to grieve what would have been IMO.

HollyMay84 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:20:43

A chemical pregnancy is when the sperm meets the egg but does not implant. It gives off just enough hcg to be picked up if you test early but you will get your af around the same time it was due anyway.

Op I'm very sorry this has happened to you. This is in no way your fault and as pp has said they are very common unfortunately. Some people won't even know it's happened to them and just think their af has shown up. But due to these newer pg tests where you can test early, women are noticing them more.

There's no right or wrong way to go through this. You feel how you feel flowers
Be kind to yourself op x

confusedat23 Thu 19-Jan-17 18:03:14

Hey OP, i just wanted to sat you need to give yourself time to grieve.

We all know men can sometimes act like compleye penises lash out if they don't know how deal with a situation when they are meant to be supporting you.

To take a positive away from this you know everything is working and you can concieve which is one less worry!

Just remember 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage, you are not alone in this and there are several women on MN who can help you

Lots of love for you!! flowers

ifeellikechickentonight Thu 19-Jan-17 23:17:58

It doesn't matter at what stage it happens, miscarriages can be devastating. I lost my baby at 5.5 weeks or so when it was the size of a sesame seed. If I had been 8 weeks pregnant it would have been the size of a blueberry. Not much difference really! yet people act like you should just get over it if it's early but a few weeks later it's suddenly ok to grieve. The fact is that you've lost your baby and along with it all the hopes and dreams you had for him and her and the idea of what your family would have been like. That's what I found so upsetting, all that hope and excitement and then it's just gone.

I took a week off work and cried about it every day for a month. I'm not apologising for my grief to anyone. I would have been due on 26th Feb 2017 and I still think about it loads as that date approaches. We've just (3 days ago!) started ttc again (the miscarriage was a surprise pregnancy and would have been a smaller age gap than ideal, hence waiting 8 months to try again) and I'm planning to test a bit later if I suspect pg to save myself all that heartache.

The worst thing people said to me when my loss was recent is that miscarriages are really common, 1 in 4 blah blah blah. I don't give a fuck! Not a helpful thing to say to a recently bereaved person.

ifeellikechickentonight Fri 20-Jan-17 08:51:04

Oops sorry for being a bit ranty up thread wink

To clarify, a chemical pregnancy is a miscarriage before 6 weeks which is when an ultrasound could tell you a pregnant. Before 6 weeks the only way a doctor could know you are pregnant is via your body's chemicals i.e. hormones hence the name. Some chem pregnancies might be really early and be caused by a fertilised egg failing to implant, you wouldn't know except a test might come up faint positive and your period would come at normal time.

Other times they're a bit later, I tested the day after my period was due and didn't lose the baby for another week and a half, then bled heavily for 10 days with lots of clots etc and cramping so even if I hadn't tested I still wouldn't have thought it was a normal period. Technically it's still a chemical pregnancy but I hate the term and prefer early miscarriage.

This is interesting www.madeformums.com/getting-pregnant/waittowee--what-you-need-to-know-about-pregnancy-tests/38262.html

confusedat23 Fri 20-Jan-17 09:42:23

Hi I sorry if yoi got insulted by the last sentence in my thread... being someone who has experienced loss i did not intend to be little anyones feelings.

The point i was trying to make is that you will be able to find a lot of support on MN with women who have experienced a similar problem to OP

HollyMay84 Fri 20-Jan-17 10:16:54

I found that being told the stats helped me realise that I wasn't alone and with it being a common thing helped me realise it wasn't my fault which is why I said it. I've had 2 chemicals, 2 mmc (10wks and 14wks) and a late mmc (19wks) and I did react differently to each one depending on what stage I got too. Like I said there's no right or wrong way on dealing with any loss. I'm sorry if I come across as "matter of factly" or if my comments offended anyone. It's just how I dealt with my losses and the thing I hated was people being softly softly weeks after they'd happened when all I wanted was normality. Everyone's different. Everyone's ttc journey is different. Some people come here for info. Some people come for hand holding. There's no time scale on these things op. You deal with it in your own way and sod everyone else!
I do hope you're feeling a bit better today op flowers

willitbe Sat 21-Jan-17 17:14:10

Sorry to hear of your loss. Having had 13 miscarriages, I can say with complete honesty that the one that caused me the most psychological hurt was the one that was the least physically!!

It is not about the duration of the pregnancy that we grieve, but the hopes and the dreams for that particular baby that are lost alongside the pregnancy. The hormones don't help, I always felt sicker (with 'morning sickness') when losing a pregnancy than during the pregnancy.

The things that helped me were:

- Naming the baby (ignore those who tell you it was just a bunch of cells etc, if in your own mind it was a baby then you can call it such, you are naming the baby that you hoped they would become and that is what you are grieving)

- giving myself permission to grieve if I felt like it, and if I needed an 'excuse' then watching a sad film and crying during it.

- giving myself time to recover physically, checking that my iron levels were ok, if I had alot of bleeding and was feeling tired.

- realising that it was not going to mean as much to my husband as it was to me. He wasn't dealing with the physical aspects of being pregnant, and thus did not build up the same level of hopes or dreams, and so the loss was not as significant to him. That wasn't that it meant nothing, just that he was always more worried about how I was, rather than about the loss of a pregnancy. It was only after my fifth loss that my husband started to feel emotionally affected by the losses in any way, and by the 10th he was very pragmatic about it all, rather than emotional again. I had to learn that men just deal with miscarriage differently.

It really does not matter how long you you were pregnant for, it was a real pregnancy, and a real loss, for some it would be ok for others it is very hard to deal with, it does not make it wrong to be upset. Some of my miscarriages hit me much harder than others, there was no rhyme or reason for it, I just had to deal with each as it happened. Allow yourself to be upset if that is how you feel, but don't let it overwhelm you.

HopingForALittleOne Sun 12-Feb-17 16:11:41

I think I've just had a chemical pregnancy. I'm on another thread here and told the ladies and one told me not to make it into a big thing and then pointed out positives on getting this far and someone else said how others dont get this far.

I feel really upset. At the moment I don't care about anyone else's journey I care about mine and how it's ended .

For five days I got positives on pregnancy tests and o was three days past my expected period. It was starting to sink in and feel real. I had looked up due date and told my mum. Friday I ordered four pregnancy books and read three of them yesterday. I bought a valentines card for my little boo that I was going to write out and keep for them in a baby box.

So to be told it's really common and not make it into a big thing is really hard to heard. I.m so gutted and have been crying on and off all day. I will be a single mother by choice so I don't have a partner to talk to and I can't talk to my mum yet as she started getting excited as the days went by too and I know she will be upset too.

I know the stats I know it's common and I know other women go through it and blah blah blah but it really hurts right now

Fighterofthenightman Sun 12-Feb-17 16:19:50

I think early testing is a problem here. I don't think your DP is being awful. I've had 2 chemical pregnancies and 3 early miscarriages and always saw them as medical matters rather than future babies and never saw them as lost babies to be honest.

It doesn't mean that other women should see them differently but I always struggled to see them as babies tbh so I can understand why people who hadn't experienced it personally would see it that way too.

wundringnow Mon 13-Feb-17 08:19:01

I'm another one that doesn't get too attached or upset about chemical pregnancies (have had two that I know of), but you have EVERY right to. Grieve, be down, be upset for the loss of your hopes. It's absolutely okay. Nobody can tell you how to feel about this because they're not you!

Having said that, I would personally tend to keep it to myself or tell some trusted girl friends if DH didn't seem to be able to empathise. I don't think husbands to be able to meet every emotional need. It's a shame he's being a bit twattish about it but I think my DH would be sinilarv

YouBoggleMyMind Mon 13-Feb-17 08:39:26

I had a chemical pregnancy in October last year. I am still not over it. DH and I had been trying for a baby for over 2 years at this point and I thought this was it. All the disappointment, blood tests, follicles scans, metformin and clomid had finally got us our baby. For people to say to me how common it is and how it's great that I conceived doesn't make me feel any better. All I have are photos of 3 positive pregnancy tests. I am currently in counselling and it's very apparent that I have not dealt with any of it properly.

I am sorry that you're going through this and you can only feel how you feel and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

flowersflowersflowersflowers

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