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Why didn't I know I wanted another baby

(22 Posts)
user1471471849 Sun 15-Jan-17 00:33:20

Hi all,
I know that this is a terrible attitude but at the moment I'm beating myself up over the fact that I've left it so late to have another baby. I had my first at 32, second at 34 and in my head decided that 38 was my cutoff point for going for a third. My husband wasn't keen on having a third and so I just kind of accepted that and moved on, thinking I was ok with that. When I turned 40 I realised it was really important to me to try for another baby, we had a big discussion about it and he was fine to try as he realised how much it meant to me. One year on, I'm now 41, still not pregnant. Unknownst to me, I had a blocked tube (due to cyst) which has just been sorted and I was probably naturally less fertile anyway due to my age.

I'm just annoyed at myself that I couldn't forsee how important it was to me, that this whole stressful situation could have been avoided. I'm telling myself that it is what it is. I can't change the past.
I've never posted here before but get a lot of support from reading other people's threads. I don't really know what I want to hear. Just trying not to beat myself up too much about it. I know there's still a chance I may get pregnant, but I suppose I'm trying to be less of an emotional wreck and get to a real place of acceptance of whatever the outcome may be- to actually make myself be happy with my two beautiful children and feel that if I get pregnant, great, if not great too.

Thanks for reading this.

Scattymere Sun 15-Jan-17 09:24:17

I want 3 and have just had 2nd DC at 35. Not much I can say but can completely understand how you'd be feeling as I hope to try for 3rd DC. But I wouldn't be devastated if it didn't happen, just very grateful to have 2 healthyDC as so many of my friends are seriously struggling to concede/having miscarriages right now. Try to not look back. Don't regret. its not productive, it can't change a thing but will only cause festering,negative buildup. Don't beat yourself, just live day by day. Try to take pressure offend plan lovely things to look forwards to with the family you already have, and see pregnancy as a welcome surprise, but don't live for it to happen. Also maybe try searching for and reading the many many threads on here about the struggles with 3 DC,and how many people truly wish they'd stopped at 2!!

confusedat23 Sun 15-Jan-17 09:26:45

Hi User i am sorry I cannot relate but i just wanted to say what I have seen from my parents etc in life..

My mum had 3 kids by 35 also and was adament she didn't want anymore kids however my dad really wanted one more. That never happened and now i watch them wish they had always had one more... even my mum feels like this! Also now they are begging for grand kids! Lol

Their friends went through the same situation and ended up fostering 3 lovely young girls as they couldnt have another naturally, which was an amazing experience for them.

They also had 2 lots of friends that never bothered marrying! They didnt want a big white wedding and all the fuss. Now at the ages of 55 both lots have planned big white weddings with one even being in South Africa!

I guess what I am trying to say is that getting older will always make you change your mind. Subconsciously there might have been something at 38 which made you agree to no more children that has gone now. The amazing thing is that you and DH both know how much this means to you and are working together to get it. You obviously have a very loving family home OP.

Lots of babydust your way!! flowers

user1471471849 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:40:38

Thank you so much for your replies! Scattymere, you're right, it's not productive at all. I'm trying to talk myself into a healthier frame of mind but I keep slipping back from 'everything's ok, I'll be ok' to 'how will I ever forgive myself if this doesn't work out'. I was telling my husband that if we don't get pregnant I think we should do something drastic like a world trip or something that we couldn't do easily with 3 but could with two children. Not that we can afford that but we could make something work.

Confusedat23- thanks for the lovely email. It helps to think I'm not unusual and people can change their minds/not realise how important things are at the time. Yes, I think subconsiously at 38 I was a little bit scared of taking full responsibility for having another baby, worrying about its health and what if there was something wrong.. I'm so lucky to have two healthy children and worried a bit there might be something wrong next time. Completely unfounded. Ironically there are greater risks now but it must be my biological clock which is making me go for it anyway. I feel at least if I try 100% and it doesn't work I'll know that when I did know I really wanted another baby I did everything I could to make it happen.

Thanks so much for your lovely kind messages.

user1471471849 Sun 15-Jan-17 10:45:49

Confused- is your mother ok about not having had another or does it really bother her? I think I'm worried about my future mental health too. I'm hoping that I'll come to terms with whatever happens, not that I'll pine away Miss Havisham style for some mythical third baby and not appreciate what I have.

confusedat23 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:20:55

To be honest User I am not entirely sure... i know she does not regret it now as i'm trying for a baby so she is throwing herself into that 110% to help us! We did have a conversation in which she said if she'd had her time again she would have stuck with either 2 or gone for 4... so i think her choice would have been to have another child if she wasn't so scared of her age! (Remember 20 years ago it was a bit taboo to have a child past 40!). The key thing is that my parents had a happy ending not having another one but there will be people who got their happy ending another way and i am sure whether its a world trip or another baby you will have yours too!

Alibaba2 Sun 15-Jan-17 11:30:45

I could have written your post User!

I had my 2 DC at 33 and 35. Broached the subject of ttc#3 age 38 and we started ttc age 39. But because OH had doubts, my heart wasn't in it and we only dtd once or twice each month AFTER ovulation!

We stopped trying when I turned 40 but then of course fell pg accidentally but had a mc. I'm now 41 and obsessed with conceiving again. We've been trying for 7 months.

Of course it's harder at our age but we have a fair chance if we're patient.

And perhaps it will happen for you really quickly now you know what problem was and have fixed it.

Lasthurrah Sun 15-Jan-17 11:51:04

I am in a similar boat to you - had my two quite late, have tried for a third for a while, popped some clomid i had lying around but ovulated on it late so missed the opportunity and today got my period. Like you I am torn between wanting another baby but also knowing how lucky I am to have two and both healthy. But it is sad, if I had started earlier I would have had three. I am just going to go on the advice of friends who are happy with two and focus on things that are easier with two kids and maybe the third will be a bonus. Its hard to know when to truly give up though I always say one last time..... but good luck and remember it is not too late especially now you have a clean bill of health and have managed it before!!

user1471471849 Sun 15-Jan-17 16:57:28

Thanks so much for your posts. You've all made me feel a lot better! It's good knowing I'm not the only one to go through this. Alibaba, Lasthurrah- thanks, I know there's still a chance I might conceive naturally and everything might work out. The consultant who did the laparoscopy said it was worth trying naturally for a couple of months after the laparoscopy and then to do IVF if I was still not pregnant. So I'm going to give that a go and try and chill out and pretend to myself that I'm not really trying whilst trying:-) Good luck to us all!!

Alibaba2 Sun 15-Jan-17 20:07:18

User - join us on the 40+ knocked up thread?

user1471471849 Sat 18-Feb-17 21:57:37

Hi all, I posted this message last month. Thanks so much for all your support. You were all so kind. BFP alert! :-) I've just done a pregnancy test and it came back positive!!! I can't really believe it. It's the first cycle since I got the laparoscopy. I heard that you are slightly more fertile in the first 3 months afterwards but didn't want to get my hopes up (it was more anecdotal than fact). So tentatively excited! :-) It's still early days. I'm 6 weeks on Mon and just tested today. I've always found it helpful to read about other people's experiences.
Just to let you know, I had absolutely no pregnancy symptoms, in fact I had terrible period pains for the week from the time my period was due and it just didn't arrive. Also had bloating and was pretty ravenous and wanting chocolate the whole time but these are normal period symptoms for me and every month previously I imagined my symptoms were pregnancy symptoms so I wasn't getting my hopes up. Anyway, fingers crossed this works out. I'm going to ring the consultant on Mon and see if I can get an early scan. Good luck to everyone! xxx

Crapbags Sat 18-Feb-17 22:10:39

Congratulationsflowers fantastic newssmile

I'm just contemplating trying for a third DC at the age of 37 and I think you may have convinced me to go for it! I really don't want to regret not trying.

Hope all goes well for yousmile

user1471471849 Sat 18-Feb-17 22:16:51

Go for it! Go for it! I wish someone had told me that at 37. The feeling didn't go away for me and got more intense after 40. Thanks Crapbags. Fingers and everything crossed.

Crapbags Sat 18-Feb-17 22:38:33

Ahhhhh but I'm scaredconfusedBut I do think I will be exactly the same as you if I don't go for it.

I do have an added worry of a genetic condition which my DS (DC2) has. While it's a serious condition it's very manageable and when managed well he has no ill effects. It's a one in four chance in any future pregnancies. So I'm having to prepare myself that I may well have another child with it which is tricky because it worries me so much. I'm terribly stubborn so also hate that an 'outside factor' could make my mind up for me and feel like I shouldn't let it stop me?!

Ahhh the quandary goes on....

Good luck User fingers & toes crossed for you

HazyDays81 Sun 19-Feb-17 07:43:39

Congratulations! I remember reading your post last month so it's great news to hear you got your BFP! Hope all goes well for you xx

user1471471849 Sun 19-Feb-17 16:12:15

Thanks a mill Hazydays!

AllTheLight Sun 19-Feb-17 16:19:08

Love a happy ending! Congratulations OP smile

Efferlunt Sun 19-Feb-17 19:13:17

Am in the same boat. Two lovely dc 4 and 7. We planned on an third but depression ill health, two house moves and some other stuff meant we haven't been in a place to try until now. I'm approaching 40 and we've been trying for six months without success. I'm still hopeful conceived the others very easily but time is not on our side.

5BlueHydrangea Sun 19-Feb-17 19:20:00

Lovely news. Two of my close friends are pregnant now, 3rd babies for both, one is 40, the other 44. Both really excited!

LittleMouseontheDairy Sun 19-Feb-17 19:37:13

Congratulations!! Lovely post flowers
I have 2 DC - DS1 nearly 5 and DS2 nearly 1. I'm 38 and go over whether or not I should try for DC3 every day... I know I'm so lucky and there are so many practical reasons to stop at two..
but but - this isn't about me. Congrats again! grin

pillowcase6 Mon 20-Feb-17 00:23:41

What a nice thread to read, user! Congratulations!!

user1471471849 Mon 20-Feb-17 16:23:02

Thanks everyone! So nice to read all your messages! I just realised I'm 5 weeks today, not 6. It's going to be a long wait till 12 weeks. I'll have to try and keep busy to distract myself. My kids have been talking a lot about how they'd love a baby (especially my son who would love a brother) so hopefully this will work out. Trying not to get too excited until a few weeks.

LittleMouse- I was the same as you for the past few years, always reading posts about having a third child and trying to decide. Eventually the balance tipped and desire for a third baby outweighed any fears/doubts. Good luck with your decision!

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