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Feeling empty(9 Posts)
I'm not sure if I'm posting in the correct topic or not, apologies if not.
I'm not ttc, I don't have any children and I don't have any known fertility problems. I just feel empty. I'm ready for a baby and I have been for most of my life. I played with dolls long after I probably should have, Ive always been obsessed with pregnant women and babies, I look after other people's babies 5 days a week. I wished away my non-existent childhood, so I could grow up, get married and give my children the childhood I never had. I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for nearly 1, we were teenage sweethearts, now 25. We spoke about having children lots before getting married, but for some reason we never said when. I assumed we would both be ready at the same time.
For the last year I've wanted a baby so much that it hurts and I've spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I thought once we were married that my husband would want to take the next step and try for a baby. Oh how I was wrong. He says he's not ready, at first it was "we can't afford it" we sat down, crunched the numbers and turns out we are in a comfortable financial situation to have a child. He's still not ready and when I ask why, he's unable to answer and just says "I'm just not ready" I've laid off talking to him about it for a few months, as I don't want to pressure him, but it's so hard keeping it to myself any longer, hence why I have joined this forum. I'm not currently on birth control or using condoms, we just don't have sex in my "fertile window"
I don't know how to talk to my husband about it anymore. I don't want him to feel pressured, nagged or guilty, but I feel like it's unfair on me. I love my husband, we have such a good relationship, we make each other laugh all the time and I still fall further in love with him each day, just by looking at him. It doesn't stop me feeling as though something is missing, resenting my job and anyone who falls pregnant (which feels like everyone at the moment!) It really bloody hurts.
Oh dear, that is a difficult situation
I know you have talked about having children but have you opened up to him about just why it is so important to you?
Have you tried planning a timeline together? For example if he isn't ready right now but doesn't have a specific reason, setting a target for beginning TTC can make it seem less daunting.
Also, sorry to ask but is he aware you are not on any contraception? Because pulling out/avoiding the fertile week tbh is not really a proper method of contraception, and if he is so adamant about not falling pregnant this isn't the best way to avoid it.
Best of luck to you, we've decided to try for number two this year but I was ready a little before DP, so I know how disheartening it can be
Sorry you're feeling like that. You sound like me around 8 years ago. I've been with my DH 13 years and married for 8 and we are finally TTC. Please don't pressure him, your time will come. Speak to him honestly and openly and if you are indeed in a position to have a child then go for it. But until that time comes, relax, enjoy your new marriage and each other. Get in tune with being a wife and travel as much of the world as you can. Give yourself stories to tell your future children. X
Good luck. X
Sorry, I forgot to mention that he's fine with me not being on contraception, as I struggle with horrible mood swings on the pill. I think he won't ever be ready until it happens, but it's hard trying to explain that to him.
I think he won't ever be ready until it happens, but it's hard trying to explain that to him.
I think to be fair to him, that's not the most helpful thing to say to him. If he doesn't feel ready for children, he doesn't feel ready for children. Trying to force him to be ready or that he would be fine if it happened won't make him any more ready and if anything will make him less likely to want to have a baby.
You sound like me 8 years ago too.
As soon as I got married in went I to baby mode, same age then as you are now btw.
I understand that empty feeling, but I wish I hadn't made such a massive thing of it because it ruined the first years of our marriage in some ways, i wish we had travelled, went out more and enjoyed eachother because now our kids are here we rarely do.
I love my children more than anything, but life before them could have been so sweet.
What I'm trying to say OP is that if your DH wants kids eventually then try as much as you can to enjoys these days as you will never get them back. Ahead are days of sleepless stress, not being able to pee in private, never ending questions, school stress, PTA meetings, childcare stress, mother guilt, to name but a few. These days are so precious I really wish I'd appreciated the pre kids days.
I've been there. He will come around, but you are very young yet. It isnt right to force him if he isnt ready.
What have you got to gain from rushing into it?
Kind of been there and I just had to wait for him to make his decision, thankfully he decided to ttc!! However for many years I did worry that we wouldn't have children and it was only really my age that made me think well it's now or never really. I put this to him and he just said ok we'll try. However had he said no then the decision would then have been mine to decide do I stay with this man or do I want a family? I think you're still young for this though so as many people have said, travel, enjoy and make memories. Xx
Hey a few months ago I posted an almost identical message on here in the hope of getting some help. My decision to want a baby came overnight (this is quite common and perfectly normal) i just had to have His babies and i tried talking to him but there was no luck. I also tried getting him to read a blog by a man about his broody wife and why women feel like that and how it can effect them. This also did not help... then Bam! Like you i had to come off hormonal contraception... i left the decision in his hands about what we did... we didn't have sex for a whole month whilst he was trying to decide! I explained to him he had to make the decision as i was ready for a baby (at this point i was thinking about only me and not him by irrationally thinking he would be reckless and just use nothing) He eventually went to get condoms which we didnt use and ended up having a scare so effectively i got what i wanted but it felt so wrong and ultimately made me feel worse.. i told him very plainly that we are never not using condoms again whilst he is not ready for a child as it would be unfair on the baby and would force him into a corner, this was the first time i actually starting acting like an adult and a wife... fast forward a few days where i was so depressed i wouldnt even eat me and DH sat down again to talk as he was exceptionally worried about the effect this decision was having on me and wanted me to explain as he didnt understand why. I told him the physical pain i felt and emotional pain having to tell him we are going to use protection even whilst i had the chance to concieve because he was being so reckless with his decisions and he honest to god had no idea it would be this upsetting for me! That conversation broke down so many walls and we were able to discuss exactly what made him not ready apart from the money (without my crazy hysterical crying about never having children) and it turned out there wasnt anything apart from my constant emotional turmoil... we are now getting ready to TTC in the new year and we did plan June but DH wants to bring it forward! He is soo excited now it is the right time for BOTH of us... the point im getting to is that if you push he will move away also if you concieve he might step up to being a dad but it might make him resent you and ruin your marriage, you need to break down each others walls with open communication (this is all part of being a good married couple) although he does need to understand your want for a child you need to help him through his issues with having children. But first and most importantly of all you need to use a barrier method of contraception out of respect for both of you and a potentially unwanted child. Then you can work together with your communication... if you ask him when he thinks he will be ready and what you can do to help him and he is evasive and uncommitting you know you arnt going to get anywhere for a long time. Then what your next step is your own decision and unfortunately none of us women here can tell you what is best to do
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