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AIBU to think that no-one gives a shit??!

(19 Posts)
Mammabear31 Mon 26-Dec-16 21:51:19

So this evening I decided to confide in my sister about our struggle to concieve DC2 (12 months of trying). The answer I got was pretty much that I should consider myself lucky that I have DS1, and did I know about her husbands cousin who has had several MC and now has a newborn and thank god they could have that baby....

Was it any wonder that I ended up crying in the bathroom with DH because the one person I thought would sympathise with me didn't at all.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 26-Dec-16 21:59:26

Oh mama, that's really tough. I'm pretty sure her words came from a good place and she thought in some way she was putting a positive spin on your situation?

I think when having conversations about upsetting and sensitive situations some people just generally don't know what to say, so they say the first thing that com s in to their head without really thinking it through

It's like when someone has died - you don't really know what to say to the bereaved, you don't know what they want to hear, you don't want to upset them by saying the 'wrong' thing and so usually a generic platitude/cliche comes out because it's the only thing you can think of to say in that moment.

I totally understand why you're upset, I would be in your shoes, but don't give up on your sister just yet as you may find that once the news has sunk in and she has time to think about the situation and how you must be feeling then she may turn into a great support for you.

MouseLove Mon 26-Dec-16 22:16:10

In a strange blunt way she is correct. You are blessed with a child, many never get the opportunity. However I don't think it came out correctly for her. I think she will realise she's upset you and you are right to be upset, but let her off, she's your sister. X

Mammabear31 Mon 26-Dec-16 22:35:12

Have either of you been through secondary infertility??

MrsGsnow18 Mon 26-Dec-16 22:49:05

I think maybe writer is right and it could be one of those times when someone doesn't know what to say and babble on. She might not have meant to come across so insensitive.
Maybe she thought she would be able to make you feel better (in a warped way) by saying that you already have been blessed with a child.
I struggled TTC and understand but many others who have never experienced it don't understand at all.

MouseLove Mon 26-Dec-16 22:50:11

No I'm unfortunately still TTC my first baby after around 6 years of wanting. So as you can expect I've not been where you are. Hey hopefully one day!!?! 😐

mumwhatnothing Mon 26-Dec-16 22:57:55

I understand you OP. This time last year I had my first miscarriage and have had 2 more since. Upon hearing it my sister said I should just be greatful for the 3 children I already have and that she tried for ages to get pregnant....she was roughly 3 weeks behind me.
I am greatful for my 3 wonderful children but having those 3 doesn't mean I wasn't happy and excited and that I hadn't started imagining the life my baby would have had.

It is very insensitive to say that we should just be greatful for what we have when it comes to us losing or wanting more children and it not happening. But, apart from my sister who is quite mean anyway, I think it is mostly coming from a good place of not knowing what to say. Stay strong and tell your sister her words hurt but that you understand they weren't meant to hurt. Explain how utterly shit you are feeling and that you really would like her to just listen and support you. Xxx Good luck

Writerwannabe83 Tue 27-Dec-16 07:09:24

That sounds really tough mouse and it must be very difficult for you. I hope a baby is in your near future flowers

mama - I conceived DS on my first cycle but when trying for DC#2 it took ten cycles of trying and it also included a miscarriage. I work with two women who had to go through years of trying and IVF to even get their first baby and I always did feel blessed that at least I was able to have one when others can't even have that. It didn't stop my longing for a second baby but it did make me realise how fortunate I was flowers

Eminybob Tue 27-Dec-16 08:03:18

Mamma I know how you feel and I can understand why it is so tough for you, I really do.

I have very recently miscarried while ttc no2, after several months of trying so I get it and if anyone said to me what your sister said I probably would have been upset, but actually I have been saying it myself.

I am incredibly blessed that I have DS, and I take some comfort in that if I don't have a dc2 I have him and he is my world.

So it's not anyone else's place to say that to you, but maybe you could try and give yourself that mindset and it may help you flowers

Mammabear31 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:51:25

Thank you for all your replies, some of them were perhaps a bit kinder than they should have been.

Mouse I'm sorry if I upset you in anyway. That was not my intention, I was very angry and upset last night and it made me very narrow minded.

I know I am so incredibly lucky to have my DS. I wouldn't change him for the world and I fell with him straight away; which kind of makes this situation sting a little bit more than it already does.

To clarify, all I wanted from my sister was for her to understand how difficult these past few months have been. A simple "oh God that is rubbish, I am so sorry" would have been more than enough. All I got was "oh really? Well so and so...." etc. Not a hug, no questions regarding the struggle we are having or sympathy whatsoever. As an above poster has said, she doesn't understand that what she said was not helpful and I'm sure it came from a good place. It's just the last thing I needed to hear.

And to make matters worse, I got my period this morning. It's not been the best day!

Mammabear31 Tue 27-Dec-16 19:53:02

Also to add, one of the reasons this failure makes me so sad is because DS is constantly asking for a baby brother or sister. It's never been in our plans to have just one child, and it breaks my heart that I am so far unable to give him what he so desperately wants.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 27-Dec-16 22:40:43

How old is your DS?

I must admit one of the driving forces behind me wanting to TTC#2 was because I wanted DS to have a sibling. He's too young now to want one/ask for one but it was important to me that he have one.

Have you seen your GP and are they helping you at all?

Mammabear31 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:00:52

He'll be 4 in May. Most of his friends have younger or older siblings and he has been asking for one for nearly a year. He loves being around other children; especially babies.

We're going to see the GP in January. No idea what to expect but am glad we are finally getting to the point of being able to do something about it.

thisagain Tue 27-Dec-16 23:09:24

I'm sorry but I am with your sister. I have PCOS and had fertility treatment to have my DD22, I then tried for another 7 years before I fell pregnant with DD14. During this time I consoled myself with the fact I had my daughter and all that went with that. It was a huge comfort to me and I can see how your sister thought it might be to you. However, please don't give up. I now have 3 children - one naturally conceived and unplanned. I fretted about my eldest being an only child and she is now one of 3. You never know what is round the corner.

MrsNuckyThompson Tue 27-Dec-16 23:13:23

Secondary infertility is very tough (took us 18 months - try acupuncture!). I do think people can be very unsympathetic about it.

However as someone said above I do often think people just don't know what to say. She might have been trying to 'help you' look on the positives by pointing out that others have it worse. Small comfort I know but agree you shouldn't write her off.

Bubblegum89 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:25:36

I have Asherman's Syndrome (scar tissue in the uterus) and so will find it difficult to conceive, if I even can at all. When I found out, I felt so sorry for myself. But I have an 8 year old daughter and although I was (and still am) deeply upset and devastated that I can't just have a baby if and when I would like one, I know that I am very lucky to have a child already as so many women I know try for years and never have any.

I understand how it seems people are insensitive to your situation and having just become an auntie myself last month to my lovely little nephew, it is hard when there are people seemingly popping out babies all over the place. I find people don't always know what to say or how to say it and perhaps your sister just said what she meant in the wrong way. And you never know how things will pan out, I know so many ladies who have been told that they will never be able to have kids and have gone on to have one, even two or three flowers

Phoenix76 Tue 27-Dec-16 23:32:24

I hear you op. It was a desperate struggle ttc2, I was 39. It took well over a year, I was googling fertility clinics etc. I started to hate my body. Maybe your sister genuinely doesn't understand the heart wrenching yearning for another child, and yes, you are grateful for the first beyond words but the feelings you have when ttc2 are over whelming and seem beyond reach. Anyway, we went to our GP who was lovely but told us the stressing and obsessing over it were hindering our attempts (how can you not obsess?). But here I am, after much research I decided to take QC10 Ubiquinol and within a month of that I got my bfp. My 10 month old is finally here! Good luck and don't lose heart, if your sister really knew how much you are hurting I'm sure she would be with you x

crusading Wed 28-Dec-16 04:43:35

I completely feel your pain with ds asking for a brother or sister - my dd has just turned 5. It took 2 years of ttc for me to fall pregnant with her, so I had taken a laid back approach to ttc no2 until I fell pregnant back in July sadly mc in October and have been an emotional mess since. Dd's best friend her mum is due in Feb and dd is getting very upset she hasn't got a sibling. My db and sil can't have children at all so I worry that she is going to grow up in a very adult world x

m33r Wed 28-Dec-16 18:45:53

mamma I really feel for you. Everyone's journey is their own. It took us 20 months to conceive our first - loads of people much longer but for us it was very hard.

In ttc 2 we have had 2 MCs and a CP - both early. At the same time my friend mc-ed at 14 weeks. My heart broke for her (she has no other children) more than it did for myself because she was further on and I had my LB to concentrate on.

Meanwhile my DN is very ill indeed. When I spoke to my sil about my losses she was amazing though what her son and their family is going through is a million times worse ...

I don't know why I'm saying all of this except to say that no-one should invalidate your feelings. Like PPs I think your sis will maybe realise why she had upset and he a big support.

I hope you are ok and get your little baby soon as I do for all others - it is such a tough journey for many many people x

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