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Baby Envy

(41 Posts)
TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sat 17-Dec-16 21:27:45

I wonder if anyone could offer some advice. I have not managed to fall pregnant but desperately want girls. I'm terrified of a few things -
Will I get gender depression if I get a boy
Can I not have children at all
Do I not 'deserve' a child because I'm so set on the gender of the child (as many friends have suggested)

But also I'm suffering from major jealousy when people I know have girls! It's totally stupid but I feel like the odds go down every time a girl is born, so I find it hard to be happy for the new mother!! This is leading to friendship breakdowns and me getting left out of things because I am desperate to hold the baby/ask to babysit/act needy. It's awful but I can't help myself.

Does anyone know how I feel?? Help!

iamadaftcoo Sat 17-Dec-16 21:32:13

Well I can't help with the infertility side but I desperately wanted a boy (for no logical reason, it was simply how I felt).

Anyway, as it turned out he was a boy. 10 months on I can say it makes no difference whatsoever.

Don't be so hard on yourself flowers

cakesandphotos Sat 17-Dec-16 21:35:48

I get the envious thing, it's hard. We've been trying for a while and I still find it tough to see another pregnancy announcement on Facebook (although I'm working hard at not getting upset)

Can I suggest that your desperation for a girl stems from your desperation to have a baby? Have you been TTC long? Have you had any tests done?
I think it's natural to have a preferred gender. Personally, I would prefer a girl but if I had a boy I would be thrilled. I think I see girls as being easier but I'm a nanny so that's just my personal experience of a small number of families.

It's normal to want a baby so badly it causes envy, you just have to find a way to work through it flowers

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sat 17-Dec-16 21:38:44

All of my friends say they have no preference and make me feel guilty by saying things like 'it shouldn't matter as long as they're healthy and happy' etc etc. There are reasons I want girls and it feels so unfair when these women who 'have no preference' get a girl angry totally unreasonable feeling I'm having, I know confused

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sat 17-Dec-16 21:41:02

No tests, just been a few months of no contraception so I know it's still early days but why is it that everyone around me is having girls?!!

neonrainbow Sat 17-Dec-16 21:46:16

I had a preference for a girl. Im now pregnant and Im having twin boys. It took me a little while to get past it but now i couldnt give a damn what sex they are. I think like me you'd realise it's really not important once there's a real live human to worry about.

Zoflorabore Sat 17-Dec-16 21:46:53

Your username is maybe saying something you're not op? Obviously there would be a 50% chance you would have a girl if you got pregnant but would you really not want a boy? I take it there are very personal reasons for this.
Would you intend to find out the gender?
I've known many people to say this and feel totally different, my neighbour has recently had a 4th boy despite really really wanting a girl and she is on cloud nine.

My dear departed grandmother always used to say "what's for you won't go against you "
I always asked her what she meant when I was a child and she said that if you're meant to have something then you will, I have understood it so much better as an adult and believe things happen for a reason.
Best of luck op smileflowers

cakesandphotos Sat 17-Dec-16 21:46:53

I expect that people aren't all having girls, it's just they're the ones you're noticing. When we started TTC, I swear EVERYONE suddenly had a baby or a baby bump, it was all I saw.

Out of interest, what is it that makes you prefer a girl over a boy?

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sat 17-Dec-16 21:51:51

Girls like me better (I think because I look very girly?!) boys tend to act like I'm a stinky girl and rarely speak to me!!
I dream of my baby being a girl when I sleep.

cbigs Sat 17-Dec-16 21:53:02

Totally relate t this op. And gender disappointment is a real thing . A lot of people just don't understand it and can be really dismissive and judgmental about it. I had two boys and was desperate for a girl, I did all the nonsense Chinese charts and looked at the shettles method etc etc felt really low if others had girls . My third was a girl and obviously I was delighted but I can genuinely say 6 years on I love them all equally and would not swap the boys for the world ( if that makes sense) you aren't a mum yet but you will be so overwhelmed with love for whatever you have.
Don't get caught up in superstitious nonesens like if they've had a girls it's one less girl for me etc it's 50/50 every time regardless .flowers

PurpleDaisies Sat 17-Dec-16 21:54:47

My sister desperately didn't want a girl and then she when she had one she absolutely loved her.

I think it's common for people to build up ideas of what their perfect family would look like and worry about whag would happen if things turned out differently. I'd consider counselling to try and work out where this desire has come from and help you to cope if you were to become pregnant with a girl.

After you've been trying for years (as many people in this board have), gender preference tends to go away. I hope you wre successful with trying to conceive. A few months feels long but it's too early to worry yet.

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sat 17-Dec-16 21:57:11

Yes I imagine if I can't conceive then I will be ecstatic either way.

For someone like me though - If I do fall pregnant , do I find out the gender or not?? And why?

PurpleDaisies Sat 17-Dec-16 22:02:26

For someone like me though - If I do fall pregnant , do I find out the gender or not?? And why?

Why not concentrate on getting pregnant first, or if you genuinely don't think you'd be able to cope with a male baby stop trying to conceive until you're in a place where it wouldn't be such an issue?

leighdinglady Sat 17-Dec-16 22:08:06

Is it possible that your strong aversion to having a boy comes from some fear/dislike of men that needs to be addressed? It might sound odd, but I used to dread the idea of a son due to horrible experiences (including rape). I thought any son would turn out sexist and not love me. Now I've addressed these issues (90% anyway!) I actually hope to have a boy in the future.
Maybe you need to explore why you so desperately only want a girl?

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sat 17-Dec-16 22:08:35

I would love any child, but I have imagined up a girl for myself.
None of my friends admit to feeling any similar feelings so it's good to have answers off here, where people can be honest without getting judged etc

closephine85 Sun 18-Dec-16 06:00:29

It's incredibly insensitive to post this thread in infertility. You state you have only been without contraception for a couple of months. The majority of women on here will have been trying for at the very least a year, most much MUCH longer and would give absolutely anything for a baby of either gender, I suspect that if you ever reached the point of desperation most of us have, all your thoughts about gender will have long gone out the window.

MrsDarcy4092 Sun 18-Dec-16 07:15:35

I totally agree closephine85. I cannot relate to this one bit having tried for a baby for almost 3 years with not a single pregnancy.

If you get pregnant definitely find out the gender early so that if the baby is a boy you have months to get used to that and even have counselling if needed. Gender disappointment is a factor for postnatal depression.

iamadaftcoo Sun 18-Dec-16 08:00:05

Oh wow I've just seen you've only been ttc for a few months.

Op it was incredibly insensitive to post this on the infertility board, please ask to have it moved elsewhere! To conception perhaps.

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sun 18-Dec-16 08:18:11

I am new here and couldn't find a topic that related to 'emotional' or anything like that. It's help, support and understanding I need - I have plenty of judgement and criticism from personal sources about my feelings that I can do nothing about.

I have had lots of troubles with cancerous cells and am terrified I cannot conceive at all, I have only been off contraception for a few months - it's true, but I have been unable to conceive in the past 12 years due to medical issues. I have not given the full story, and could not find what I thought was a suitable topic so please forgive me for my 'insensitivity' but if someone can let me know how to remove my thread I will.

iamadaftcoo Sun 18-Dec-16 08:22:53

You don't need to remove it. There are lots and lots of boards you can find emotional support of. Chat and conception would be two good ones.

shinyredbookcase Sun 18-Dec-16 08:23:29

During my last pregnancy I was desperate for a girl. I bought girly things and had girls' names picked out. During a late scan it was very clear the baby I was carrying was a boy. I cried during the scan (even though the more important news of the scan - that my child was healthy and fine, should have made me ecstatic) and was gloomy and upset until the baby boy was born. Then I fell in love - powerfully - and part of me loving him is BECAUSE he is a pretty typical little boy and into little boy sort of things (not wanting to gender stereotype - we bought him dolls and sewing kits too, but he's a lego and star wars kind of chap...) and realised what a nutter I had been. I adore him. He is coddled and spoilt and is disgustingly pampered by me and could not be wanted one tiny bit more than he is. My beautiful, beautiful boy.

I couldn't help being - frankly - barking mad during my pregnancy and the time before it (I wanted a girl from before he was conceived, like you) and nothing anyone says here is probably going to change your mind or your feelings - but I think it will pass. Control your speech and behaviour so you don't alienate your friends in the meantime.

Whereland Sun 18-Dec-16 08:53:27

Are you seriously posting on an infertility board about this?!? Where people would give anything for a baby of either sex?

Chattycat78 Sun 18-Dec-16 08:57:01

Suggest you ask the admin team to move this thread to conception where it will much better fit without the risk of upsetting anyone. Sorry to hear about your problems in the past, but closephene is quite right unfortunately. Good Luck.

HormonalChicken Sun 18-Dec-16 10:36:46

I've never had a real preference in my previous pregnancies, but this one I'm leaning towards wanting a boy. I just prefer the boy's name we have chosen and as I have two girlies and one boy already another one would fit with my obsession with symmetry. grin Honestly though I don't care what I have. And I hate the phrase 'as long as it's healthy'.

My 2nd pregnancy, had the scans, even an extra long 20 week one as the sonographer was training someone. Baby was a healthy girl. Clothes bought, name picked. All good until baby had be born by CS at 36 weeks. Baby was of undetermined sex, but suspected boy. Huge deformity of bladder, genitals and pelvis requiring multiple surgeries. He was only confirmed as male after 24 hours. At that point I couldn't give a monkeys what he was, or that he wasn't as healthy as I'd hoped. I was just thrilled he was here and alive.

In the grand scheme of things, what will be will be. If you were to have a boy, I'm sure you will love him. He will still be the baby whose kicks you counted, whose wriggles kept you up at night. He will smile and giggle and cuddle and love you. That's what counts. You may mourn a little for the girl you wished for, but the boy would still be your child.

TwinGirlsLifeGoals Sun 18-Dec-16 10:45:42

Hormonal chicken thank you! And thank you to the others who have had kind words and advice. I do feel better and I now realise (unlike some of my friends would have me believe) that it is quite normal and nothing to be ashamed of

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