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Not sure what to do

(8 Posts)
voxnihili Sun 20-Nov-16 09:52:11

Please excuse my ramblings but have no one to talk to in RL - have two best friends, one is currently pregnant and the other has recently found it out it is unlikely she'll ever have children.

Background - I'm mid thirties, DP is mid forties. He does shift work, and has erectile dysfunction. He has little interest in sex and never really has. With night shifts and ED it is hardly surprising. I have a day job but it is quite stressful.

I came off the pill in September 2015, but due to DP's ED and lack of interest in sex, we only had sex about 3 times between September and May despite him saying he wants a baby (he instigated TTC). In May we had a long conversation about it and he said yes it was what he really wanted and I needed to let him know when the right 'time' was. The first couple of months we only did it once in my FW, we then had a 2 week holiday which completely coincided with my FW and had lots of sex which was very unusual but great. It felt fun because we were on holiday, and not just for the function of TTC.

4 months on and we've only had sex a handful of times, and only when I tell him it is the right time. I hate it. I feel like that is the only reason he wants me as he doesn't go near me at any other time. This month it hasn't happened at all because I didn't tell him. I've made it clear that the best way is to just have regular sex because we don't really know when the right time is but it falls on deaf ears.

I've got to the point that I can't see it happening for us. I've had the stress of TTC for over a year, but we wouldn't qualify for help due to the lack of sex. I also don't want to put my body through something that may be completely unnecessary.

I've got the Ovia app and take preconception vitamins but I want to stop all that and try to take a 'if it happens it happens, if not it doesn't'. That is easier said than done though because I know I should be taking folic acid and I'd feel so guilty if a miracle happened and there turned out to be something wrong that I could have prevented.

Sorry for the ramble. I feel like I'm nothing to DP but there isn't a single person I can talk to about it.

haveacupoftea Sun 20-Nov-16 10:31:08

Were you content with the lack of a sex life before you started TTC? Is it something you are willing to put up with for the rest of your life?

If yes, then have you considered self insemination? He does his business into a cup and you get the turkey baster on the go!

If no, you need to consider whether you really have a future with this man at all.

sarahboro1 Sun 20-Nov-16 12:04:27

Is there anything that can be done medically for your OH or is this it? If this is your lot then I would suggest the same as haveacupoftea - doing it artificially as in the end you both get what you really want - a baby, so does it matter that much how you get one?? Xx

sk1pper Sun 20-Nov-16 13:20:28

I agree with tea - pretend you're not TTC for a second and really ask yourself if the lack of sex is getting to you. Couples often have different sex drives, you learn to adapt one way or another and reach a compromise but only 3 times in 9 months is ridiculous. Sex is very important on a social level for couples to bond and its something you need to address with him. Is it because of his ED that he's so disinterested in sex? Maybe he is embarrassed/depressed about it and would benefit seeing a councillor or doctor?

If the lack of sex doesn't bother you, then you're going to have to get really smart about your timings. Contrary to popular belief, it is actually quite difficult to conceive when you only have sex once or twice a month - it does happen ofc but your timing has to be impeccable so I personally think in your case, your "wait and see what happens approach" isn't going to work.

I would buy a load of cheap opks off Amazon and try and work out what day during your cycle you ovulate. You need to time sex just before the positive opk - that will put you in a good place each month. Also, folic acid is really really important so please start taking this now.

voxnihili Sun 20-Nov-16 18:02:42

I can live with the lack of sex, even though it does bother me. Other than that we have a great relationship and are happy. Part of the 3 times in 9 months was his worry about not being able to perform and letting me down on the TTC front. Normally if he can't finish it's not a huge issue - we've found other ways, but none of them would result in a pregnancy.

I don't really need OPKs as I get such bad ovulation pains that start about 4 days before ovulation (confirmed by a scan). That in itself is a pain as it wouldn't work with a truly 'wait and see' approach as I know when the right time is due to the pain. It is helpful in a way as I ovulate quite early in my cycle, and would miss it if I just relied on an app.

I already take folic acid (and have done for 18 months) in the pre-pregnancy vitamins but what I want to find (I think) is a vitamin that isn't a specific pregnancy one but that has all the stuff I would need. I've drawn blanks so far. By using a generic one and deleting my apps I would hope to have less of a focus on the whole getting pregnant thing.

I want to remove the stress of TTC but I don't know how, and I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on like this. I've considered AI but not sure how I feel about it.

MrsG280516 Sun 20-Nov-16 18:22:04

As it is essentially his problem with the ED, is your partner not willing to see a doctor about it or get some medication? If he is really serious about TTC then he would.

AgainPlease Sun 20-Nov-16 18:28:11

If you are both keen to have a baby ASAP I'd stop ttc naturally right now. Make an appointment with a fertility clinic (or if you're strapped for cash try the NHS) as your best bet would be IVF (or variation of) or even the procedure where medical staff extract the semen from your DHs testes (given he might struggle to provide a fresh sperm sample on demand with his ED), can't for the life of me think of what that process is called but I'm sure it has a name.

Basically, get expert advice. Preferably now so you don't waste any more time.

Good luck xx

MouseLove Sun 20-Nov-16 18:34:51

Go see a doctor. Please don't put yourself through anymore stress. The lack of sex is a problem and one that can be helped or solved with medical help. The wait and see approach only really works if you're having regular "finished" sex. Sending hugs. X

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