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THAT 'so when are you having another one?' question - does it bother you?

(18 Posts)
daisy2212 Wed 16-Nov-16 18:51:05

metro.co.uk/2016/11/16/can-we-just-fing-stop-asking-couples-when-theyre-going-to-have-a-baby-6260332/#mv-b

I haven't had the 'when are you going to have a baby' question, but it bothers a lot of my friends.

I am asked all the time when I'll give my DS a sibling - I've broken up with his dad, so without a man it's unlikely. It does bother me a bit (I always wanted 2, and I'm sad I don't have a sibling for him), but think it would be far worse if I didn't already have one.

What do you guys think?

WantingBaby1 Wed 16-Nov-16 19:10:28

It bothers me. Only bc I desperately want one and have done for about 18 m but it hasn't been the right time (or at least it's been the wrong time!) Now we are actively ttc and I worry we won't be able to. Irrational fears as I'm only 30 and on cycle 2.

Passmethecrisps Wed 16-Nov-16 19:12:08

I think making any uninvited reference to a person's fertility/childbearing is extremely rude.

No one is entitled to ask

Writerwannabe83 Wed 16-Nov-16 19:30:31

I hate it because I've been trying to TTC #2 for 9 cycles now and all I've had is one miscarriage and then 8 cycles of BFNs.

I try and let it go though as I know it's just idle chit chat and then I change the topic of conversation as soon as I can.

I think that people assume if you've already got a child then you can't have issues with fertility or difficulty conceiving.

RvG2014 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:13:48

My husband and I got asked his all the time.. And it's frustrating because at 26 I've been placed into a chemically induced menopause in a desperate attempt to control the pain I feel from my endometriosis.. Im living the life of a woman 20 years older than me and I have no idea if I'm infertile or not. I will find out when I eventually decide to start trying...

At my lowest times, I have been known to recite the above paragraph to shocked women... Who then think I'm joking. It certainly makes them think twice about prying into some thing as delicate as having children - they assume that all woman can!

charley2016 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:23:01

I've been with DH for 7 years. We for married in early October. I'm high up in childcare management and all my family have had their first babies between 14 and 18. I'm asked daily when we're having a baby. And constantly told I need to make my great grandmothers, great great grandmothers ASAP. I've tried telling everyone I'm waiting until next summer as I finish my next degree in May but it doesn't help! I've still be asked every single day since we were married. My husband is 10yrs older and we're both worried that we will both struggle to conceive. I've been asked out every weekend from now until end of January by different family members and I'm sure it's because they are all conspiring to see if I say no for any reason!! confusedsad

Vanillaradio Thu 17-Nov-16 12:45:56

The first time I was asked this was in the maternity wars with hours old Ds in my arms hmm
Yes it upsets me. I get it all the time, we've been trying for 6 months and nothing has happened yet, we are taking a break till the end of the year to have a think about whether to go on so I can legitimately answer my usual " we haven't decided yet..."

ComputerDog Thu 17-Nov-16 12:50:41

I'd never ask someone because I know how upsetting it is for some people.

But honestly, if a friend (not a stranger!) asks me this question I don't mind at all. In fact I quite like talking about it, and debating the ideal number of children/age gap etc etc...

FlaminFlamingo99 Thu 17-Nov-16 13:05:37

Yes it upsets me, I've been TTC for 9 months, I'm a very private person so it's hard to know what to say. If it's a close friend or relative asking it's slightly different because they are asking because they want to know where u are at and would want to know if you are struggling to support you - but A distant relative asked me the other day and I got very cross - it isn't her business and how does she know that I haven't recently had a miscarriage or that I might not be able to have children? I just said I am not pg (in rather a cross way blush) and she didn't ask me again.
My friend was early stages of pg when her partners distant relative saw she had a tiny bump and kept doing the wink/nod when are you due then? Awful! She already had her 9month old in her arms so it could have just been a bit of pregnancy weight from that pregnancy!! I think the best reply to that would be - assertive voice-'don't you think that's the kind of news you should wait to be told?'.

Then there's the dreaded 'so do you want kids, when do you think you'll have a baby?'
My answer right now would be
'well for some people it isn't as simple as just wanting a baby. ' and cue slightly awkward silence from the asker.
Sorry OP you got rather a rant from me, but YES, it bothers me!!

TheLongRains Thu 17-Nov-16 13:22:08

I do find it a rather rude question, but I think mostly it's just un-thought through. After years of awkwardly laughing it off, now I just go into matter of fact detail about the cost of IVF and the process and our chances of it happening and I let others be the awkward one for a change. Hopefully, if they can't deal with the true answer, they'll think twice before asking others the same question.

MissMagpie Thu 17-Nov-16 13:51:40

My DS has just turned two and I have been fielding this question for about a year now. I know most people don't ask it to offend in any way, but really, why would you ask?!
This is a question only to be discussed with close friends IMO.
If you ask it, you need to know it's something you should be asking and not stirring up a lot of upset.

MaisyPops Thu 17-Nov-16 14:41:04

Endless questions about fertility are ruse and insensitive. You never know what's going on.
The couple you joke with might have been TTC their first baby for a year.
The couple you say "when you giving Timmy a sibling" might be struggling with secondary infertility.
Another couple may be perfectly happy with one child. Don't make it sound like their family is incomplete.
A couple might have had a miscarriage a week before you jump in with "when's the next" and they've just lost one.

No comments needed unless you discuss openly with friends.

sk1pper Thu 17-Nov-16 15:15:33

It's rude and insensitive, I am sick of people asking me when I'm going to have a baby. Half of me wants to scream "I'm doing my goddam best" and half of me wants to break down in tears. Also, some women just don't want to have children and to think that all women do is completely ridiculous and self-centered.

MrsHouseBrownie Thu 17-Nov-16 15:32:16

Yep really rude. Annoys the hell out of me as struggling with secondary infertility. Also when its directed at DD 'oh wouldn't it be nice it mum and dad gave you a brother/ sister'. Yes that's happened on more than one occasion. hmm

Chintaria Thu 17-Nov-16 19:58:16

It took us six years to have dd (dc2) and I was asked SO many times about when we were going to have another. Tbh we went through so much sh*t with lots of mc's then secondary infertility (and a bit of a breakdown) I think I'd gone a bit numb and just let it go over my head. DH was with me once, and a couple we bumped into asked us - dh answered completely honestly leaving out nothing, which made for an incredibly uncomfortable conversation, and we haven't seen them since!
It's nobody else business, so it shouldn't be a question that's asked...

YoScienceBitch Thu 17-Nov-16 20:02:00

I just laugh hysterically with a "fuck no,"

SellMySoulForSomeSleep Thu 17-Nov-16 22:52:36

I don't like being asked. we are TTC and it was very easy last time so i'm so pissed off about it. I just say "we are trying" and It makes most people very uncomfortable.
I do like being very straight to the point though. I hate having to white lie or not answer.

delilahbucket Fri 18-Nov-16 08:01:58

We put an end to DPs mum hinting at babies every two minutes when I made dp tell her we had been trying for a long time but we would probably need IVF and we couldn't afford it. It's the truth and I was fed up with the "ooh it would keep you fit pushing a buggy up this hill" type comments.

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