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Partner's 'performance' issues when it matter

(10 Posts)
Bettybecks12 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:40:05

Hi all, earlier this year we started trying for a baby but life took its toll and we had to put it on hold for a few months but are now back on it...i am 36 and he is 49 and i know we can both have babies, he has children and I had a miscarriage before. We try and do it at the right time but often I feel like i'm the one enoucraging him to 'do it' when it matters and recently he started having some 'performance' issues during my ovulation week. This makes him shut himself off and I know it frustrates him - and me. I am now at a point where i want to scream and shout at him every time it happens I'm so frustrated. Has any one else had these issues, worked them out - and of course conceived? Thanks ladies.

FairyDogMother11 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:44:06

I don't personally have experience but my best friend had similar. She had to take the pressure off by just having regular sex, every couple of days, and never telling him when she was ovulating, she relaxed a bit then as well. It definitely worked! Good luck!

Bettybecks12 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:02:14

Thanks for the speedy response - the having 'regular sex' bit is also a bit of a challenge, he knows exactly what's up when i go into every other day mode...and then starts panicking.

Any other thoughts and hints and tips (to remain calm about the whole thing) are welcome!

many thanks.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Tue 01-Nov-16 15:15:52

I think that's what Fairy meant - if you have sex every other day throughout the whole month, he won't know that it's ovulation time (and he'll soon forget).

If he knows, it will put pressure on, which leads to the issues.

I suppose the other option is to self inseminate, depending on how you both feel about that...

MouseLove Tue 01-Nov-16 15:25:48

He is basically feeling used. Which is natural because you kinda are using him lol. So what you must do is take the pressure off. And this means taking the pressure off you too. Stop tracking. Start enjoying. Make it fun. Maybe some times it's not about the climax but the process. It may take you a while to get out of this habit but be gentle, encouraging and new things to keep it exciting. Once he feels like you want this to be a joint adventure he won't hold back. Remember to tell him how you feel about him, how he makes you feel and he will feel wanted again. Good luck!!

Joinourclub Tue 01-Nov-16 15:28:17

We had this problem. So we bought some cups and syringes, in case DH couldn't perform, we figured he might be able to 'produce a sample'. We both felt the pressure as I was on clomid so we had a limited number of 'goes'. Just knowing that we had a back up plan took the pressure off him a bit and made things better. I know it is infuriating, but you really are going to have to be nice and understanding, as showing your frustration is only going to make it worse.

Bettybecks12 Tue 01-Nov-16 16:25:47

Thanks so much all for the feedback and the encouraging words - I know I'm being a bitch when I start huffing and puffing, not wanting to maon but over the past two years it's been really tough with the stuff he's been going through so I thought something positive - i.e. a baby, ha! - would be a good thing and a fresh start.

I thought about the self-insemination thing before but really not sure how he'd feel about this - for him, it's probably smack of desperation again. Joinourclub, have you actually conceived that way?

And yes, I need to be kinder!

Again, thanks so much all.

Flappergirl86 Tue 01-Nov-16 16:46:56

I had this last month (our first month trying) -he could perform but he couldn't finish the act. It was devastating. You have to pretend that its fine and be really blase about it like its no biggie. Even though inside you're balling your eyes out and terrified it wont happen (I was devastated and crying when he wasnt about but didn't want him to feel worse). He's managed several willy sicks this month and I'm in the TWW. All you can do is keep at it and play it cool x

OrianaBanana Tue 01-Nov-16 17:00:59

It's difficult when you know there's a limited time and he feels pressured. In our case we couldn't 'relax and just do it every few days' because his sex drive is pretty low and so is mine really. We did manage it in the end (I'm 34w on Friday) but please don't let on to him how frustrated you are (I know you're not but keep on). It won't help either of you. It took us more than a year (also a worry as I was 37) although I also had a miscarriage the month before that.

Charting helped me feel more in control because I knew each time counted, and it made me feel better about the uncontrollable aspects. He knew I was doing it but I kept the obsessive detail away and never told him he had to perform at certain times (I just jumped on him, so it was fairly obvious but never in his face. So to speak).

I don't know if that helps or not! We DTD successfully I think twice in the whole month I got pregnant but it only takes one time. smile

Bettybecks12 Tue 01-Nov-16 21:46:46

Flappergirl, thanks for the response! You're right, i need to play it cool but this morning almost exploded, i just got up, had a shower and went to work - it's so hard and embarrassing knowing, i'm acting like a prat!

Oriana, i think i have a relatively low sex drive too - well, lower than his - but perhaps also because i'm just so focused on ovulation week. So, basically, we are generally not one of those couples that do it every other day anyway, we're more of a weekend couple and i ALWAYS seem to ovulate during the week and not when he wants to do it. And yes, it only takes one time to conceive...ha!

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