Hi, I've joined because I don't really know who to talk to.
On the outside I have everything. Great fiancé. Great job. Great house. Great family. But I'm so sad and I hate to say it out loud, in fact to even write it down, because it sounds so ungrateful (it's taken me 2 days to pluck up the courage to send this since writing it!) But what I want, what I really really want, Is a baby.
But we can't. Not yet anyway. We said we would wait for our wedding first. Which is booked for July next year. But it feels so far away. And when I do 'the baby maths' the timescales scare me. Just shy of a year to the wedding. Then a year to get pregnant (based on what I've read!) then 9 months whilst it's cooking! That's nearly 3 years! If we are even lucky enough to conceive ( there are reasons I might struggle and neither if us are in our twenties anymore!)
It was all fine. I was delighted last year when we got engaged but now I'm frustrated, it's like a switch has gone off in my head and I can't turn it off again. Of course in the meantime 2 friends have had babies and my sister has just announced she's due in April! Im happy but jealous too. Jealous because this pain is also my doing. Caused through my idealism about 'the order ' I should do things and now I'm trapped in my own plan. And gosh it almost hurts. It consumes me every day. (Example: i have a great career but recently I have to fight with myself to go to work, because all I can think is what's the point?)
I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to get married. I want to be an aunt. I want the life I have and the future we have planned. And this is why I can't talk to anyone about it. I have talked to my fiancé and he hears what I'm saying. But I don't think he gets the uncontrollable urge. And he thinks by August next year we'll be pregnant and that's it.
And no. We can't move the wedding date. Or at least not with out losing huge sums of money that we can't afford to replace later on.
So I'm here to ask did anyone else have something similar? And how did you manage to control the deep ache in your chest?
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25 replies
anonNorth85 · 24/10/2016 10:30
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