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I wish I could just cry

(22 Posts)
LillyBugg Thu 18-Aug-16 08:10:23

But I can't because I have 2yo DS to look after. Af arrived on cycle attempt number 9 ttc dc2. I conceived DS on cycle 3. So stupidly didn't think it would take that long.

I feel so sad this time that I'm still not pregnant, but I can't seem to actually express how sad I feel. I know I should be grateful I have one already, and I really am. But it makes me feel so sad he might be an only. All his baby stuff is packed away nicely in the loft. So many friends are on their second now. And I keep getting the question 'so do you think you'll have another?' I know they don't mean it but having to fake a smile and say 'maybe one day' is so painful.

Not sure what I'm hoping to gain by posting. I guess I just wanted to tell someone that I'm wallowing in my own self pity. I need to pick myself up again. I know I do.

DollyBarton Thu 18-Aug-16 08:12:55

It's highly unlikely he'll be an only. Objectively 9 months is very normal to be trying. Subjectively you need a cuppa and a hug.

LillyBugg Thu 18-Aug-16 08:22:14

A cuppa and a hug would be great thanks!

I know it's not long. And actually it's not even that long because I have short cycles. It's been 8 months. But I just had an idea in my head about what the age gap would be and I think I'm struggling to adjust my expectations.

MrsGsnow18 Thu 18-Aug-16 09:41:09

Sorry Lillybugg that you're feeling down about it flowers
I understand completely! I'm on 9th cycle too ( TTC#1) people keep asking me when are we going to have children sad
It's hard for you if you can't go and have a wee cry to get it out of your system.
brew and cake don't give up, it'll happen smile

MmmMalbec Thu 18-Aug-16 10:33:23

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish. We are on cycle 4 of TTC2. I naively thought it would be much easier second time round and even thought I had a good chance of it being first month. Instead my body has gone crazy and I've had loads of shitty cycles. It's really frustrating and depressing. Hope you get your BFP next month! Just got to keep going really haven't you wine

LillyBugg Thu 18-Aug-16 10:46:59

I don't intend on giving up, and I know I've just got to keep going. But I'm losing the will to be positive! Frustrating and depressing are good words. I've just ordered another pack of opk's as I had run out. First step I suppose!

MrsY87 Thu 18-Aug-16 14:33:45

Hi lilly, I know exactly how you are feeling, were on cycle 6 ttc#2 after having got very lucky and conceived first time with DD, so like you I naively thought it would be just as quick second time.

I also had an age gap in my head but am gradually managing to adjust my expectations, I'm sure the age gap won't matter once #2 is here and I've realised I should try and make the most of the precious time with just having DD as it will be harder to have that one on one time once there are two kiddies to look after. That said I'm still finding it frustrating and depressing but trying to stay positive that it will happen eventually.

Hope this is the month for you! wine

BoBo90 Thu 18-Aug-16 17:18:02

OP I know how you feel! I'm now in month 10 of ttc #1 😔 Some days are ok and others you just feel totally helpless and down and nothing will lift your mood because there nothing you can do to get that bfp (apart from dtd obviously 😉)

You just have to keep going and try focus on your little one and keep reminding yourself how wonderful it is to have one on one time with him 😊

Hopefully one day I will have a little one to distract me too and your ds will get to be the best big brother 😄

LillyBugg Thu 18-Aug-16 18:49:15

Thank you for the kind words smile I'm sorry others are feeling the same.

I've had a day at home today, just DS and I and we haven't even been out the front door. It's been nice. He's filthy from the garden and I gave him sausage, chips and spaghetti hoops for his tea lol.

I do think it's the age gap that is bothering me the most. I'm not particularly looking forward to pregnancy, labour or the newborn days again. But I so so want DS to be a big brother soon. I'm not sure he would agree with me if given the choice though!

For those of you trying for number 1...I'll keep everything extra crossed for you.

bananafish81 Thu 18-Aug-16 19:22:50

I feel like crying often.

I'm TTC #1 and in the last 11 months I have had 3 IVF cycles, 1 cancelled IVF cycle, 1 miscarriage, 1 ERPC, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 Hycosy, 2 cancelled FET cycles, and I'm about to begin a 4th IVF cycle.

Oh and I'm £30,000 down so far.

The 'trying' in TTC couldn't be more apt. Never have I tried so hard to get precisely nowhere. And the process is so unbelievably trying.

I miss the days when I thought we might be able to make a baby with some sex sad

LillyBugg Thu 18-Aug-16 19:54:02

Oh wow banana I have to say I don't even understand all of your message. I hope it happens for you soon, I really do.

m33r Thu 18-Aug-16 20:30:59

banana I am so sorry for what you've been through.

lily I've been ttc #2 for 11 months in which time I've had two MC and one CP. it took us 20 months to conceive DS so I wasn't hopeful for it to be quick but all these MC are killing me (all in the last 6 months).

Like you, it's not a 'baby' I want but an addition to my family. A sibling. Another child to love and help grow and have in our lives. It is so very very hard.

Currently deciding if we should have a break this month (MC this month) BUT we have decided that if we haven't conceived by the time DS is 2 (March) then we will stop trying and that breaks my heart. Xx

LillyBugg Thu 18-Aug-16 20:37:29

Can I ask what lead you to reach that decision m33r? DS is 2 in a few weeks. I don't intend on stopping, but the thought of when would I give up has crossed my mind.

m33r Thu 18-Aug-16 21:08:05

My DH is nearly 45. I have a good career. DS has just started sleeping so the thought of going back is tough. Just about to get the age where we can take DS to do things which babies make harder. Thinking about future holidays to Disney and things which we want to do when DS is old enough to realy enjoy (5) but would be good if sibling was also a 'good age'. Maybe all stupid things but those stupid things are the sum of our (and my DS') lives.

I donMt know if I'll actually be able to stop though ... X

ohnonotanother1 Thu 18-Aug-16 21:36:11

I could have written your post - I'm on cycle 9, dc2, my sons stuff was nearly packed in the loft until the weekend when I got it all down to start doing some serious culling as we are running out of space.

I want to - and do - cry sometimes too. It's such an emotional time.

Wishing all the rest of you luck too, it's funny isn't it because we all think everyone else gets preg so easily then you come on here and realise lots of people have struggles that we don't know about in real life.

Spotsondots Thu 18-Aug-16 22:18:17

Hi there. I know how you feel. We started TTC #2 in January 2015. 20 months later we have 'achieved': a missed miscarriage after a year of TTC, a diagnosis of PCOS for me and a lot of heartache. Oh and some performance anxiety for poor DH. sadIt is hard. Forget about the age gap thing. I too got very hung up on this. It made me utterly miserable, especially as all my friends have, or are about to, popped out their second without any complications at all. We conceived immediately with DS (and with the miscarriage the month before him...) so all this trying and effort and disappointment has been a real adjustment of expectations. 5 months on from my miscarriage I am just starting to see the pluses of a bigger gap and also to not care about how big the gap is. DS is 3 next week.

You have my sympathy, it sucks when it doesn't go to plan. flowers

physicskate Thu 18-Aug-16 23:09:43

On the age gap thing: My sister and I are three and a half years apart, and it is perfect! I have always respected the fact that she is older, and therefore got to do things first, had more experience and was an additional resource for me if I couldn't go to my mother. In fact, she was a much better nurturer than my mother ever was for me! I reckon 3-4 years apart is perfect! She was older, but not too much older that I felt like we were parented really differently and like we were single children... if you know what I mean.

In summary, sometimes more of an age gap is better for kids...

LillyBugg Fri 19-Aug-16 06:54:34

Thank you for sharing. It really does help to read others experiences. I think I need to spend some more time actually thinking about the age gap, and some of the positives mentioned. I think if I can get my head around that then it would all be a bit easier.

Spots was the pcos something you've developed since having your first dc? I've had an ultrasound scan which came back all clear so I'm guessing that it isn't the case for me. But literally all I got as a result was 'all clear' and that was it, all clear for what I'm not exactly sure.

Spotsondots Fri 19-Aug-16 09:58:02

Hi. It was diagnosed post DS when we were having difficulty conceiving again but I wasn't surprised as the only time I've ever had regular periods in my life was when I have been on the pill. I don't have all the classical signs though (but enough for a diagnosis - abnormal USS and infrequent periods) and because we conceived DS easily I never thought much of it. If you have regular periods and have had a normal USS that makes it very unlikely for you. Wasn't suggesting it would be a likely thing for you, just one of the things I have acquired over the course of this journey. smile

LillyBugg Fri 19-Aug-16 13:09:08

No I doubt it would be for me but I was just wondering. I rarely hear of issues developing after the birth of a child, because people don't really talk about it.

In reality I think I know that nothing is wrong and I just have to be patient. But I'm losing patience!!

EJ1986 Fri 19-Aug-16 20:13:41

Hi all. I could use a good cry to. Im going to lose my mind if one more person a) announces a pregnancy or b) asks when we are having one / "so will you be able to have a glass of wine tonight...wink) . I think about little else & DH is sick of me going on. It took me years to get him to the married and babies stage so i won't push my luck by excessive moaning. Lets all have a group cuddle and glass of fizz. As sadly we can.

LillyBugg Fri 19-Aug-16 20:32:40

Group hug for all! Sadly alcohol makes me vom so none for me but I'll pass the wine around. My takeaway is on its way though so I will drown myself in my curry grin.

EJ it's hard not to go on about it, I use mumsnet really to help with that.

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