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TTC after late miscarriage, neonatal death, or stillbirth?

(43 Posts)
AgainPlease Thu 11-Aug-16 18:11:05

Anyone out there? Could really use some support after having lost my son recently and trying to move forward with getting pregnant again...

karryk Thu 11-Aug-16 22:43:37

Hello... So sorry for your loss flowers I'm sure someone with a sadly similar experience will be by soon. I'm not in the same boat as my miscarriages have been earlier but can relate to the feeling of wanting to reach out here. I've found it invaluable and i hope you will too. Best wishes xx

Impatientwino Mon 15-Aug-16 22:08:15

Hi againplease

I'm so sorry you lost your son. I lost my DS2 to stillbirth the day before my ELCS at 39 weeks 5 months ago and my DH and I have decided to try and get pregnant again. I'm utterly terrified so happy to chat and share if you want to.

We did try on my last cycle and due to stress my period decided to show up a week late just to taunt me. Am desperately trying to keep calm about it all but doubt that will happen.

Ellieboolou27 Mon 15-Aug-16 22:38:51

Sorry for your loss, I lost my baby boy at 22 weeks and then had a mmc six months later, I tried everything to get pregnant as soon as I could, I actually became obsessed with ttc.

I tried the clear blue fertility monitor but it made me a manic, in the end I fell again 18 months after my last mmc. It's very stressful when you've suffered loss. I have 2 dd now aged 4 and 11 months, both of them conceived on holiday!

Even when I finally did get pregnant I spent the whole 9 months stressed.

AgainPlease Tue 16-Aug-16 08:45:08

Hi. impatient & ellie [waves]

I was starting to get worried I was the only one! I'm so sorry for your losses flowers I don't know why life has been so cruel to us but I am sure there is a reason!

I lost my son at 20 weeks in to my pregnancy. His heart beat for 3 minutes before he passed away. It's been the most horrendous ordeal I've ever had to go through - giving birth knowing I wouldn't take a baby home with me afterwards.

Ellie - did they give you a reason why you lost your baby at 22 weeks?

I worry that my personal relationships are affected by my experience... When my girlfriends talk to me about their problems I have to fight to not roll my eyes and bite my tongue. Like 'oh the new guy you're seeing didn't text you back? I'VE JUST HAD TO PICK AN INFANT-SIZED CASKET FOR MY BABY please get a grip on reality' But I don't want to be like that you know?

Am desperate to get pregnant again because I don't think I can be happy until I am. It's not a case of replacing a new baby for my lost son, but about moving on and starting a family with DH that we both dream of.

hopinghopefullyagain Tue 16-Aug-16 08:54:36

Our first daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks, she had trisomy 13 and we always knew that stillbirth was the most likely outcome. It was horrific. We had ttc her for almost 5 years and we're desperate to be parents so ttc again literally as soon as we could. I got pregnant in the first month and the baby is due in 3 weeks. It'd tough. This baby does not and will never replace our first. He or she doesn't mean we don't miss our daughter every day and wish that she was here. But - we also want to be parents and this pregnancy has eased that longing. Fear and worry in this pregnancy have been high and are getting more so the closer we get but we have been medically well looked after

Ellieboolou27 Tue 16-Aug-16 09:48:51

Hi Again
I went for my 20 wk scan and they found he had feral hydrops, I had to wait 2 weeks after scans to give birth. I totally understand when you talk about problems that seem so small compared to having to go through labour and then a funeral. Unfortunately I was in labour for 3 days and it was horrific.

Everyone seemed to get pregnant soon after I lost my son and I found it very hard not to be bitter.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be pregnant again but of course it not to replace, I just felt getting pregnant was the only thing that would help to heal me.

I started trying again after my first normal period, it took a few months to return, but I was so stressed I think it stopped me falling.
Unless you've been through it people just don't understand, it takes a long time to heal, but the fact you can get pregnant is a very positive sign. Try as soon as you want, there are no rules flowers

Ellieboolou27 Tue 16-Aug-16 09:49:26

Fetal hydrops not feral (bloody predictive text)!

Alb1 Tue 16-Aug-16 10:36:54

Sorry to see so many sad stories on here, my DD was stillborn at 35 weeks just over 3 months ago. We decided to TTC straight away but no luck just yet, I flit between being desperate for another baby and terrified of having to go through it all again, were very lucky we also have a DS who's almost 2 though

Impatientwino Tue 16-Aug-16 10:50:27

Morning ladies

Ah the rage, I know it well. I have a 4 yr old DS so have to do the school run, go to the playground, the soft play etc and listen to people talk about how exhausted they are, how they are so fed up at being up in the night, someone even told me I was lucky to have only one and not have to run around so much. I didn't tell her how 'lucky' I am.

I did 5 days of labour to bring William into the world all 9lb 4oz of him and he was perfect.

The one thing it has shown me talking to women like you ladies is that women are incredible and can survive the most horrendous of traumas and strength is something to be celebrated.

My experience has cost me friendships because I cannot deal with others peoples shit and others because they cannot handle what's happened to us and avoid talking to me.

Anyway.....and breathe....

Like others have said another baby will not replace William but we need somewhere to put the love we have for him, we need something to help heal our hearts and a sibling for our son would help with that I think.

My cycles have been all over the place so I'm hoping they will stabilise soon. I've actually bought a clear blue ovulation kit just to check I'm ovulating. I figure this is going to send me round the twist so I might as well be armed with a bit of knowledge about my cycle.

I'm so sorry to hear of all our losses, it's so terrible that babies die and that we get left behind to deal with the aftermath flowers

AgainPlease Tue 16-Aug-16 10:57:06

So sorry to hear about your stillbirths Alb1 and Hopinghopefullyagain sad

A bit of a legal question re: stillbirths - because your baby was born dead (sorry!) what were the legal implications around their birth and death? Because my son was alive we were legally obliged to give him a name, register his birth and death at our local council (that was a fun day) and have a funeral for him. I'm currently sat picking out photos of me and DH to put in his coffin when we lay him to rest later this week so he can have a photo of his mummy and daddy with him forever.

hoping please keep us updated on the birth of your next DC. I am very excited and happy for you! I also feel that in my next pregnancy I will be petrified but I know we will be very well looked after because the death of my son could have been prevented if the NHS flagged up my medical history (which I told them about at my booking-in appointment!). I was told in these exact words "You fell through the cracks. It happens to maybe 1 or 2 women every year in your situation"

I don't know if I feel happy that in my future pregnancies I will have a 5-star, red-carpet roll-out, private treatment on the NHS with constant monitoring, or angry that if they did their jobs in the first place I would still be pregnant.

Has anyone has counselling after they lost their baby? Did it help?

AgainPlease Tue 16-Aug-16 11:04:31

X-post with you impatient! We can be crazy together poas every day :D

I'll be bankrupt by Boots Ovulation Kits soon!

Alb1 Tue 16-Aug-16 11:28:19

again it was the same for us, she had to have a name, be registered and have a funeral which we found very helpful to be honest, everybody is too afraid to mention our daughter at all so it's nice that her existence in the world has been recorded and the 'system' still treated her like a person.

Are you planning to complain about your care OP? Our daughters death could have been prevented too, although it sounds like it was a different situation to yours. How long ago did you loose your baby?

AgainPlease Tue 16-Aug-16 11:35:54

Hi Alb I'm so sorry to hear that your daughters death was preventable too. My heart is breaking for you and your family. But you're right - to have her acknowledged in the world does provide comfort.

We lost our son last month so still very raw. We have lodged our initial complaint but we will most likely start seeking legal advice to see if we have a case against the hospital. We have the money and legal contacts to help us and for that I'm incredibly grateful. I feel like I'm seeking justice not only for my son, but for all the other couples who have lost their babies through no fault of their own but don't have the resources to take the hospital to task.

Alb1 Tue 16-Aug-16 12:05:12

again I think your doing the right thing. We made an unofficial complaint just with a head midwife as we just wanted the team there educated and to no what happened to make sure no one else went through it, and the lady made loads of promises about justice and then we never heard from her again, like she just walked out of the door that day and forgot about us. So now we have to make a formal complaint for our daughter, and also about how the initial complaint was dealt with, I dread to think how many families could have gone through the same thing but not had the strength or support to get justice

Ellieboolou27 Tue 16-Aug-16 17:57:44

I found sands (google them) so so helpful in the early days. The clear blue monitor did drive me a bit insane as I became obsessed with or, however like someone said it does help with "knowing" more accurately when your fertile days

Itsalwayssunny Tue 16-Aug-16 19:56:32

Hi again,

Our DS was born very prematurely at 23 weeks 5 days last july. We have been ttc for 6 months now. I've lost count of how many times I have poas! Good job we have ICs really.

I had counselling for 10 weeks two months after DS died and it definitely helped me. We had no reason for my early labour so the prospect of another pregnancy is so scary.

Hopefully we can all support one another through ttc and pregnancy.

So sorry for all those who have also suffered this awful loss.

AgainPlease Tue 16-Aug-16 21:12:12

I agree, SANDS has been a great source of information and DH and I went to a local branch meet-up recently which was hugely comforting.

Sorry to welcome you under the circumstances alwayssunny but very happy to have you here to hear your story. Hopefully we can all lean on each other as we continue our journeys.

AgainPlease Thu 18-Aug-16 14:15:33

I have a question ladies:

How long ago after your loss did you start TTC?

Itsalwayssunny Thu 18-Aug-16 14:43:14

We waited 6 months to start ttc again. I wanted to sooner but DP wanted to wait. We've now been trying for 6 months.

Are you tracking your cycle/ovulation etc or just dtd? I am tracking and my LP is short so that is a worry. I'm seeing the GP soon but think they'll probably tell me to come back after a year of trying.

Alb1 Thu 18-Aug-16 16:13:41

We started straight away, my periods came back straight away but felt different to normal, but my third period iv just finished felt like a 'real' one so I'm hoping my body's returned to normal now. Pregnancy is going to be horrible and there's so many what if questions we decided we just want to get one with it as soon as possible

AgainPlease Thu 18-Aug-16 22:12:48

alb I'm the same as you, just want to crack on and get pregnant again as soon as possible. I feel like I can't be happy till I'm pregnant again.

alwayssunny I've just bought a 20 pack of ovulation sticks from Boots. I still have small bits of pregnancy hormone coursing through my body so it's not giving me an accurate reading at the moment. So we are just DTD every 2-3 days for now and trying not to get stressed or really worked up about it all.

I've been really strong recently dealing with my loss but this afternoon I had a complete meltdown. Lots and lots of tears and thinking again "why me" "is my son comfortable/resting in peace/with his grandparents in heaven"... I can't even remember what the trigger was but DH suggested I pop a sleeping pill and try to forget about it all. This was around 3pm this afternoon and now I think I won't be able to get back to sleep confused

Impatientwino Thu 18-Aug-16 22:58:55

Like others have said I know how awful pregnancy will be again so want to get it 'over with' as soon as possible. I imagine it will be terrifying so want to just get on with it. I've got a friend who has also had a stillbirth - she lost her first daughter at 32 weeks and she said that she had lots of counselling throughout her second pregnancy where she essentially just went and ranted at the counsellor each week. She said it all feels like a blur now and she doesn't remember much of her second daughters pregnancy, blocked it out to protect herself I suppose.

However, having said I just want to get on with pregnancy I'm 37 and had a MMC before being pregnant with William for 9 months so I was essentially pregnant for a year so my body needed a break I think.

It's been just over 5 months since William was born and this is our second cycle of trying (currently day 11) I've only had 3 periods since he was born so I've bought an ovulation kit to try and see what's going on.

My ovulation kit showed low fertility today on day 11 so hoping to have an increase soon...

Who knows, my fertility at this age can't be great so maybe it won't even happen again for us. I'm very concerned about another miscarriage. Urghh the whole thing is just hideous isn't it....
flowers and wineto all

AgainPlease Fri 19-Aug-16 08:53:45

Yeh I think my next pregnancy will be a complete blur too. It will go much faster because I'll be at the hospital every week demanding scans and speaking to specialists. I don't care how annoying everyone at the hospital thinks I'll be, I cannot let anything go a-miss next time around.

37 is still young smile I'm quite young but my DH is 44 so we need to get a move on! There are plenty of women having babies well in to their 40s these days BUT I completely understand your added worry.

Going to go poas now! x

Ellieboolou27 Fri 19-Aug-16 13:31:27

My dh was also 44 and 47 when we had dd2! smile
I started ttc after my first proper cycle
Good luck flowers

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