Unplanned Pregnancy ended in chemical pregnancy and I'm devestated(4 Posts)
about 5 days ago (3 days before my period was due) I took a pregnancy test becuase my nipples were really sore, I was knackered, felt sick and my boobs had got much bigger. I didn't feel right, and it didn't feel like PMS. I took a clear blue digital test which said I was 1-2 weeks from conception (actually 3-4 weeks pregnant).
It was completely unplanned and unexpected. My boyfriend and I had spoken about children before and both said we didn't want them for a long time yet, if ever. I'm only 24 and have only just really got on the career ladder, so it wasn't something that entered into my short term plans. I felt sick with worry when I told him, but he was really good. I cried and cried and he just held me. I asked him how he felt and he said he didn't want a baby yet. He also said it was so early on we didn't have to make any decisions yet, which I loved him for.
Over the weekend I started to think about it more. I looked at maternity policies at work, I looked at the costs of having a baby to work out if we could do it. I felt like because my boyfriend and I loved eachother, had good jobs and a great support network, that just not wanting a baby wasn't enough of a reason to deny this tiny cluster of cells a chance at life. I even looked at the financials of keeping the baby on my own without him, just in case. By Sunday night I'd decided I was going to tell my boyfriend I wanted to keep it.
I woke up on Monday (4 1/2 weeks) with period like cramps but nothing more. It didn't feel right though and I called NHS direct. They told me to go to my doctors where she did a urine pregnancy test. It came out negative. I showed her my test and she said that clear blue might just be more sensitve than the surgery's tests. So she did a blood test. She also told me to go the the Early Pregnancy Unit at the local hospital. When I went they refused to see me because the test at the doctors' had come out negative.
When I got home that evening I noticed a little bit of pink blood when I wiped in the loo. Throughout the night it progressed and turned brown and then on to bright red full of clots and severe stomach cramping. I was scared and sad.
I did a pregnancy test in the morning and it came out negative. My doctor called me on the way towork and told me they had foung HCG in my blood but at very low levels. I just broke down at work and they sent me home. Today my stomach has been awful. Like a terrible, terrible period. I went back in for another blood test today so they can see if it is going up or down, but it's definitely gone down. I couldn;t stop myself and did another pregnancy test today: negative.
I feel so stupid. How could I have got so ahead of myself? How could I get this emotionally attached to a cluster of cells that I had never even tried for? But I feel heartbroken. I've been off work for 2 days now, just crying all day. And now, all I want is to get pregnant again which I know I can't do. My boyfriend still doesn't want children for years yet.
I know I'm being so selfish, but I feel so alone in this. My boyfriend has tried to be so supportive and level headed, but he just doesn't have the emotional involvement in this that I do. What if it's the only chance I had at being a mother? I really feel like I'm grieving and I don't feel like anyone understands.
Has anyone else gone through this?
You're not stupid, at all. You're not grieving for a bunch of cells, you're grieving for the future you maybe hadn't planned but we're looking forward to having. I'm sure you thought about a baby, and what things might be like - it's ok to feel the way you're feeling, you have suffered a loss.
My husband wasn't very good either. Men tend to want to 'fix' things, and he couldn't fix it for me. Be honest about how you're feeling, talk to your partner.
Please take care and be kind to yourself X
Thank you for your message, I'm so sorry you went through this as well and I hope you're okay. I think it's really therapeutic to talk to other people who have been through the same thing.
You can always PM me if you need to chat, it's nice to know that you're not alone and that you're feelings are 'normal'.
Mine was two years ago now and I have since had a baby, but I do remember how devastated I felt x
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