How to support a friend / family member who has suffered a miscarriage. Let's make a list(6 Posts)
We've just had the misfortune, sadly. I thought it'd be interesting and useful to make a list of things to do / say / give / provide / lend / offer an individual or a couple when someone close to you experiences a loss.
I'll start with:
- get in touch and acknowledge what's happening / happened, in a way that you judge to be most appropriate. Text, phone call, a little card.
- offer help if you're nearby and can step up . Food, dog walking, housework, shopping, childcare. Offer specific things on specific days, which might make it easier for someone to say yes.
Drop some meals around that can go in the freezer or be used straight away...they won't feel like cooking or shopping. Let them know you are there for them, they might want to talk it through in detail, they might not. But IMO most people do want to talk, and acknowledge the life they've lost... Someone bought me a flowering plant to be planted outdoors, so every year when they flowered I would remember our baby and it was a lovely gesture. (I am so rubbish I didn't plant them properly or look after them but it was still a lovely gesture, and I never forget the time of year because I see the same flowers (daffodils) everywhere. X
Sorry for your loss blossom, biggest thing I think is not to treat it as a taboo subject. I appreciate people find it difficult but I found it incredibly hurtful that no one seemed to want to let me talk about it, made me feel like no one cared. I'm sure people think they're doing the right thing and that they assume you will find it upsetting if they bring it up but actually it just makes you feel as though people don't want to know. I hope this makes sense and doesn't upset anyone but, for me, it felt as though because there was never a baby that other people could see and hold that I somehow wasn't entitled to grieve. I'm sure people didn't think that at all but, by not talking or letting me talk about it that's how I ended up feeling. So yes, talk, listen, don't brush miscarriage under the carpet, it's a loss just like any other and we need to be allowed to go through the grieving process.
I'm so sorry and feel for the others here too X
It's so hard for people who haven't experienced it to actually understand what it is people like you and me are going through or have been through. They just, in very simple terms, don't get it.
So whilst it's really difficult I think it's important to try and understand this, otherwise you will feel more let down just when your entire world is crumbling.
My biggest piece of advise to you is to just be kind to yourself. This seems impossible at times but it's so important.
If someone looking at this is wanting to support someone then they should listen, just listen - if we want to talk about it, then let us. If we don't want to talk about it, then distract us. Please don't say it's not viable, or wasn't the right time or at least you can get pregnant - treat it as a loss, because that is what it is. We cry a lot, sometimes in private, sometimes it's all too much and it happens randomly it's hard, it's really hard. We have fallen in love with our little human, we have imagined a life with them in it and then our happiness has been taken away, so just listen and be kind because we really need you to be kind.
I didn't want a fuss and would not have liked people making meals etc.
I wanted to be alone... it would be nice for the pregnancy and the loss to be acknowledged.
I can't say how because everyone would be different but by not talking about it, doesn't mean it didn't happen or that I might forget it ever happened
Sorry for your loss op
When I miscarried a few years ago, the absolute worst thing that always sticks in my mind is when mil told me "it wasn't meant to be, God didn't intend for it right now".
She meant well but it was horrible to hear, it felt cold and dismissive - and neither her nor I was religious so the bit about God meant absolutely nothing. Probably the opposite of what she was hoping to achieve mind.
So my advice would be to avoid any cliche sayings such as "it wasn't meant to be". Don't try and make them feel better because you can't and anything that you think will make them feel better probably won't, just be there to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. Time will do the rest.
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