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How young is too young?

(32 Posts)
Hayden7833 Sat 21-May-16 14:24:40

Hey guys! im new here and would like to know how young is too young trying for a baby?

I am 21 myself and my partner is 26, we both have a home together and both have full time jobs we could say life is perfect. We both have been speaking about trying for a baby which we both are very very excited about! BUT as usual with me there is something in the back of my mind .... Am I too Young?

Let me know what you think! All opinions welcome.

Buggers Sat 21-May-16 14:31:17

I'm 21 with a nearly 4 year old, still with her dad rent a nice house BUT i do wish I waited a few years sometimes. I would wait if I was you Go on holidays together, have lazy weekends together and just enjoy having no responsibility for a bit longer. there's no going back to the lie ins or last minute evenings out for a long time.

CinnamonTwist Sat 21-May-16 14:33:00

I don't think anyone is ever fully and completely 'ready' for a baby and I think everyone will always give you their opinion on your age and ability no matter what. A woman told me the other day that I'm "far too young to be thinking about babies" I'm 26 and she had to have ivf as she left it too late... Only you know when you're truly mentally, emotionally, physically or financially ready (or whatever else you're waiting for!)

BendydickCuminsnatch Sat 21-May-16 14:45:16

I think it depends how long you've been together. When you say you have a home together, do you mean you own it or rent it? I look back soooo fondly on the 3 years me and DH spend together after we got married and before kids. Just indulging ourselves, big holidays and spontaneous breaks, nights out, buying our flat etc. Really exciting times and then felt very satisfied that we'd really spent that good quality time one-on-one before having DS.

FWIW we got together when I was 18, married at 22, baby at 25 (he'll be 1 on Wednesday smile). DH is 3 years older than me.

You have to do what's right for you! Hard to say!

BendydickCuminsnatch Sat 21-May-16 14:49:29

Also, if your real name is Hayden - absolutely looooove that name! grin

MummyBex1985 Sat 21-May-16 14:57:24

19 wasn't too young for me (unplanned) but given the choice I'd have waited until I was married and a home owner.

haveacupoftea Sat 21-May-16 15:21:54

I dont think youre too young if youre well settled. I am 30 and wish i had started ttc much sooner.

Hayden7833 Sat 21-May-16 15:21:59

Thank you so much for your comments!
I can see the sides of both having a baby now or waiting. To me now i do think if it happens it happens, we have been together for 2 and a half years and he has been hinting about engagement :D and i mean we rent but in the right to buy! so will be ours very soon smile See we have had loads of holidays together but to me im not fussed if i go or not, a good night for me is staying in with my pjs on with loads of munch and films haha old before my time as many say.

Also Hayden is my last name smile xx

cocochanel21 Sat 21-May-16 15:25:55

When I was 21 Dd1 was 6.

I was a single parent all my friend's at 21 were all out enjoying themselves, going on holiday, things that I never done. I did miss out on a lot of things but dd came first.
Had Dd2 at 38 (unplanned) with time I was married ,financially better off it's so different being settled and having DH this time round dd2 is 6mths.

Only you will know what's right for you.

CodyKing Sat 21-May-16 15:30:36

It really depends on if there is anything you really long to do before you have kids - big holiday - career progression - study - etc

I wish we'd managed to go to las vagas before DC - it's still to be planned -

Your young and fit and capable then go have babies - it's the hardest job you do and so exhausting!!! So you do need to feel ready to take that step.

BendydickCuminsnatch Sat 21-May-16 15:37:19

Ah you sound so much like me OP! Love a night in. If being a parent is your number 1 priority, I wouldn't wait. Life is too short to wait until you're ready for stuff.

I had a lot of comments about my age when I got married (age 22), some just surprised, most of them snide, and even some when I had DS at 25, which is a perfectly average age. Don't pay them any attention OP, hopefully you'll be sure you've made the right decision and therefore the comments will just roll off of you like water off a duck's back smile

Itisbetternow Sat 21-May-16 15:40:19

I would get married first then have a baby. You will then be so much more secure legally. What is your job like? Is it good for maternity leave etc. Can you return after the baby so that you have your own independence?

flossietoot Sat 21-May-16 15:41:15

Ok, I am going to go against the grain and say that I think 21 is too young. Not because I don't think you would be an excellent parent, but because you don't ever get your twenties back. I would wait a few years, establish your career, go to festivals and mini breaks and see the world, enjoy socialising with friends, get married if that's your thing.

underrugsswept Sat 21-May-16 15:44:12

Having a baby is completely and utterly life changing. Even in my thirties it was a shock to the system - the worry, the responsibility, the unbelievable sleep deprivation, the way you're always putting someone else first, the last minute change of plans when they're sick and you'd planned something, the lack of couple time, the constant demand on you. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful beyond words too but until you actually have a child you can't imagine the impact on your life. You're young, I'd travel, go out, have fun. There's plenty of time for a family.

Willberry Sat 21-May-16 15:46:09

I think everyone is different I have a friend who had her first daughter at 17 (unplanned) married her dad and they are still together 16 years later with 2 more kids. Personally I didnt feel grown up enough until my mid 20s and didn't feel that our life was stable enough until now. DH and I are starting 2nd cycle of TTC now I'm 33 hes 30. I do feel its the right time for us but sometimes I do think how old we will be by the time our kids leave home and as grandparents!

1AngelicFruitCake Sat 21-May-16 15:50:36

Do you want to get married? I got married first and enjoyed throwing my full efforts into planning my wedding, spending hours on little details and having a lovely, relaxing honeymoon. If I'd had my children first I know we wouldn't have had a honeymoon (or not much of one), wouldn't have spent as much time planning the wedding. Obviously just my opinion, lots of people get married after children.

Also, once you have children you are tied to them to the extent that any time away from them has to be organised to the last detail. I look back and am so glad we had holidays, time together just us, tried out new hobbies etc.

Pinkheart5915 Sat 21-May-16 15:52:00

I had my first last year at 24, DH was 35. we had been together for 6 years and owned a house so for us it was the right time. I'm having baby number 2 in August but I'm 25 now.

Everybody has different ideas on what age is a good age, only you know when your ready.

honeymom Sat 21-May-16 15:55:05

I don't regret having my children young. But I do wish I'd waited. It was always hard to fit in at toddler groups and things because I was so much younger. There's a lot I wish I'd got out my system before having children. 21 isn't too young but there is a lot of life to live out there.

Abbinob Sat 21-May-16 15:55:22

I got pregnant with ds when I was 21, I dont think it's too young and you're a lot more sorted than I was. I'm like you and would rather stay in than go clubbing etc it will he a culture shock no matter what age you are so if you want to then do it smile
25 now and ttc number 2 so it can't have been that bad the first time around ;)

Hayden7833 Sat 21-May-16 16:14:55

My job is amazing im a HLTA basically a TA but i can also teach a class when a teacher is ill. The pay is average and my job will always be there for me 100%. (also i get the school holidays off). People do say i am mature for my age as i had to grow up fast in a way and help my parents with my younger siblings when one of them got ill (1 of 5). thats another thing on my mind .. my partner is 26 and doesnt want to be an "old" dad and i have grown up with a young family and love the fact i still have my grandparents around and theyre only in their 50's. I do want to get married but im not the one for all attention on me haha, Id rather a small family ceremony. Fingers crossed for all of you ttc. xx

Buggers Sat 21-May-16 16:26:13

Even a night in won't be the same with a baby or even a toddler but as long as your both happy for the changes then go for it but don't focus on the baby stage with the feeds as the hard part as that's the easy part!

Buggers Sat 21-May-16 16:27:04

You do both sound ready though so best of luck if you go ahead with it smile

BendydickCuminsnatch Sat 21-May-16 16:39:11

Yes that's another point, I'm glad that when DS is 25 I'll only be 50 - so he'll hopefully be self sufficient by then (bloomin hope so!) and I'll be freeeeeee! grin <naive>

BertieBotts Sat 21-May-16 16:42:11

Yes. Sorry.

I had a baby when I was 20 and I really wish I had waited. I am 27 now and TTC #2 and it's worlds apart and I feel quite sad for DS.

There is no rush! Enjoy life a little. It's not all about clubbing and stuff either. I never really liked that kind of thing myself. But if I'd waited longer then I would have been all the more secure in my relationship (not saying you're not, but I wish I'd stuck to my original plan of 2 years before engagement, 5 years before children), we would have had more time to save and work up etc. When you're 21 it really feels like you've been an adult for a while now but looking back 7 years later, I'd barely really got started and I feel like I actually missed a big part of the parenthood "experience" which is that shift, because I never really got to appreciate/properly experience adulthood before becoming a parent. It's partly the freedom to mess about a bit with employment, try different things, knowing if you really screw up financially it's not the end of the world because it's only yourself you're supporting and there's likely a safety net, being able to travel for work for a year or two or at a moment's notice without having to think about childcare. And it's partly working out who you really are and what you want - from life, in the way of a family (I certainly have different ideas now), from relationships, where you want to live, etc. I felt like by about 25 all of that was beginning to come together. Hindsight is one of those annoying things.

I agree about the idea of concentrating on a wedding first. I didn't want a fancy wedding at all and I didn't have one and it was fine. But it would have been really lovely to have a honeymoon just the two of us. It would have been lovely not to be struggling for money and having to rely on family to help us, nice to have the freedom to save and make it our day exactly as we wanted even if we did do it cheaply. Plus, joking but seriously: The experience of planning a wedding together is pretty brutal and will give you an inkling about what it might be like to plan and carry out the raising of an entire human together. IMO, those kinds of tests are really crucial, because if you find out you're crap at compromising or it really hurts when they go behind your back and do something or that they are likely to pick the fun bits and leave the boring stuff to you, or their family is insane and controlling, or how you react when he accidentally pushes your emotional triggers or whatever it is - it's better to find that stuff out before you have children, because then you can decide if it's make or break and you also have the energy and the opportunity to actually address issues which come up, now, before the decision is going to affect your child's life, rather than trying to address things which come up for the first time when you're hormonal and emotional and sleep deprived and you feel like the baby has stolen part of your brain.

It would have been nice to go on holidays as a couple before having DC. I didn't ever really get to do that. And financially once you have DC your finances are always stretched and the cost of everything goes up - it would have been a great idea to both have the money to invest in things like a decent car, furniture, house, holidays (memories, relationship building) etc before having DC, rather than trying to buy those basics after having them, when you're stuck with cheap options or go without, and also build up a bit of a savings buffer so that if we were struggling we'd have something to dip into.

Having DC young is in many ways just as wonderful as having them when you're older, and it definitely isn't a life ruining event but you're also compromising on a lot of things which can just be hard. I was just old enough not to have much in common with the teen mum crowd but young enough to be worlds apart from the first time mums aged 25-35 with careers and mortgages and husbands. None of my friends had children at the same time as me. So it was actually really isolating at times and I feel quite envious now of friends who are just having their first because it was a different experience for me.

Just some thoughts. When I was younger I would have said yes 21 is OK but with hindsight - I don't believe it is and so my advice would be to wait. Your DP isn't going anywhere, your fertility isn't going anywhere. The broodiness, yeah, that might not go anywhere either but you'll have a much better experience I reckon by holding off than if you jump into things.

BertieBotts Sat 21-May-16 16:51:54

Xposted so I'll respond to your last post.

26 isn't old to be a dad. 30-35 isn't old to be a dad. You could wait 4 or even 10 years and he still wouldn't be an old dad. You have lots of time here, seriously.

Be cautious/careful when a man is putting time pressure on to have children as it can be a red flag for a controlling nature especially without good reason. I'm sure that probably isn't your situation but it's something to be aware of. It's unusual for a man to put time pressure on with children because normally men are aware they can conceive quite late in life and it's not like you're approaching an age to be concerned about fertility either. If you suspect that he's doing it out of insecurity in the relationship or because he's worried that you might not want to be with him unless you have something tying you to him, then have a serious long hard think about that. Don't have a baby to allay his fears, whatever you do. Make sure it's something that you both want and are ready for for the right reasons.

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