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can't talk to my husband about ttc

(12 Posts)
lena198281 Wed 04-May-16 15:05:58

Hi there, my husband (43) and i (33) had a very difficult chat over xmas about whether or not to have children. We ve been married for 9 years and ive always said id like one child someday but my husband has always been indifferent. Hes never said no but always brings up money, space etc, which are totally valid but ive proved to him that we can afford it and he said he was on board. I stopped taking the pill which i discussed with him and he said he was ok with that but the sex hasnt increased and we 've never had sex over my ovulation period. Hes very set in his ways so even though i try to be very obvious he s just not interested if its not a weekend. Its not that we never have sex but its once a wk max and he is away a lot. I just wld like some advice on whether or not i should explain the timing thing to him? Most people seem to say it ll put men off but right now we re hardly TRYING to conceive! Im scared to mention ttk again as he goes v quiet when its mentioned which is hardly ever. We had a wonderful relationship before ttk but now i just feel sad all the time that we cant have fun with it and actually talk about it. I am a very open person but he is much more guarded with his feelings. Im sure when/if i get pregnant he ll be thrilled but he hates planning anything. Just feeling very lonely and negative right now thinking how will i ever get pregnant if we dont have more sex? Keep quiet or have a conversation? Helpsmile

Somerville Wed 04-May-16 15:14:19

Definitely have a conversation. (For two people in a relationship I can't think of a scenario where the answer wouldn't be to directly communicate about the issue, to be honest.)

But, umm... are you sure that he really does want children? Because it seems extraordinary that someone in their 40's wouldn't know about the ovulation cycle already. Could he be avoiding having sex at those times on purpose?

KentCat Wed 04-May-16 15:19:11

Whilst my husband is totally onboard with us trying he's definitely not interested in the science of it all and doesn't like the idea of our sex being planned and timed.

I promised him if we sat down and had one conversation about how we'd approach it I wouldn't bombard him with information the rest of the time. We recently went on holiday to Argentina and had lots of siestas which generally led to sex (sorry if TMI) so now when I'm fertile I say it's siesta week and we step it up.

As difficult as trying to start the conversation may be you might find once have you can get back to just having fun.

lena198281 Wed 04-May-16 15:23:30

Thanks for your reply. He isnt avoiding ovulation times on purpose its just that he only likes to have sex on weekends and hes been away a lot but when i try to initiate midweek hes not interested so i guess what im saying is that nothing has changed but i was hoping that we might both put more effort in knowing that we re ttk. You're right, hes not super keen on having a baby but hes not dead set against it either. I wouldn't even consider getting pregnant if he was totally against it. In some ways, although heartbreaking for me, it would be easier than the limbo im in now. He says he knows i cld get pregnant but puts in zero extra effort. I should speak to him i know but its so soul destroying as it always ends in tears for me.

Blue2014 Wed 04-May-16 15:33:32

You should tell him. My DH had absolutely no idea about ovulation etc til I told him and he's older than yours

Somerville Wed 04-May-16 15:33:58

Lena, this situation sounds really upsetting for you. flowers

Having a child is very stressful. And I don't even mean pregnancy and birth. They're often the easy bits compared to what comes next. Parenting is bloody hard work. And approaching it with someone who isn't super keen is usually a recipe for disaster. Even when both of you are really enthusiastic, it is hard on your relationship at times.

I think that you and your DH should do a lot more talking about this. Make sure he understand the pressured and responsibilities of having a child and that he is really up for all that entails.

And if he isn't, make sure he is honest with you about it. Not stringing you along so you don't leave him, until your fertility levels drop and you're left without a choice.

lena198281 Wed 04-May-16 16:03:49

Thanks so much for all your advice. I suppose i am hoping it ll be like our wedding. He proposed then took v little interest in organizing it, never actually seeing the venue and barely discussing plans as he wanted to keep it special for the day which he said was the best of his life. He seems to think that talking about things spoil them but of course this makes me feel like hes disengaged and doesnt really want a child

minniewinnie Wed 04-May-16 17:19:46

My DH is in his mid forties and has no clue about the female reproductive system. He went to a boys school. I'm not sure (except the anatomical aspect) he was ever taught as much as I was. Even so I remember in my mixed school all the girls in our class/year used to have assemblies away from the boys and the subject! Vv backward!!.

If you are tracking on a phone app (ovia etc) you can always log your husband onto your account, that way he will know at least why your being a little more frisky wink

Good luck

RaeSkywalker Wed 04-May-16 17:38:19

Most of my male friends were of the opinion that you were just as likely to get pregnant at any point in the month if you had unprotected sex. They thought this because in sex education they were told that a woman can get pregnant on any day of her cycle. Which is obviously true, but it's more likely around ovulation.

These are well educated men in their late 20s. Have a chat with your DH.

Unfortunately, for a lot of people, successfully conceiving does involve an element of planning. He will need to get his head around this. I do wonder if his heart is really in it?

Merd Wed 04-May-16 17:54:44

Forget men, I thought we could get pregnant at any point in the cycle (thanks to some overzealous "just say no" teachers). Years of being careful and then effing years of TTC. Ridiculous!

Op, you definitely need to be able to talk about this. The difficulty and awkwardness of that kind of conversation now could save you years of either stress and loneliness as you TTC without his total buy-in, or years of being a mum alone if he decides it's not for him.

Sunnydays321 Wed 04-May-16 17:59:26

My hubby sounds similar to yours, he hates planning/talking about things as he feels that until something happens it's hypothetical so why get worried/excited over something that isn't real yet. Ie really wasn't excited about buying a house, loves having a house. Really didn't like planning the wedding, best day of his life! Etc. we had very few conversations about Ttc initially, not because he didn't want a baby but because he didn't want to worry and get worked up over it. I did explain the sciencey bits to him briefly, but it was made more complicated by me having pcos and irregular cycles. Long story short I decided that I wouldn't tell him when I was ovulating, but would just initiate a bit more (luckily he is usually persuadable if I initiate!) and it worked for us eventually 5/6 months later. If it had gone on any longer I would have started telling him when I was ovulating, but we agreed to just see what happened the 1st 6 months. I'm now 9 weeks pregnant and he is over the moon and excited.

I would have an honest chat with hubby and say that it actually takes a little bit of effort, only for a few days a month. Just have the one big chat and don't mention it all the time (this would put my hubby right off.. He certainly wouldn't want to know about ovulation sticks etc!) But that if you initiate you expect a little bit of effort on his part of he does want a baby.

Good luck. X

lena198281 Wed 04-May-16 22:39:47

Thank you so much everyone. We had a chat tonight. It was tough and i gave him every chance to say its not what he wants but he said he does want us to try. Seemed completely clueless about ovulation. I didn't mention the need to have more sex as i think that wld be the conversation over so im going to see how things go over the next few months and if im not pregnant then i ll brace myself for that conversation too....i know im generalizing but men really do seem to lack any kind of curiosity regarding how the process works! Thanks again for all your helpful comments. So good to know im not alone.

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