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DH won't perform to order

(34 Posts)
Lala1980 Mon 02-May-16 07:36:28

As such I can't guarantee sex during my fertile window. Getting down about it as I'm 35 and feel each month passing I'm getting too old.

AtSea1979 Mon 02-May-16 07:40:13

Does your DH not want children then?

Costacoffeeplease Mon 02-May-16 07:46:27

If he does, but it just performance anxiety, then don't tell him when it's 'time'

dementedpixie Mon 02-May-16 07:48:13

Can you notjust have sex every couple of days regardless of the fertile window. Sounds like you are seeing him as just a baby making machine

Lala1980 Mon 02-May-16 08:12:06

He does want children. But he has physical job and just always seems to be too tired. EO day won't happen. Once a week if I'm lucky.. I honestly don't see him as a machine. I would more sex purely for intimacy..

PinkParsnips Mon 02-May-16 08:17:46

Have you been tracking your ovulation etc? Could you just initiate sex on the right day/s without telling him why so he doesn't feel pressured?

I have to say after 18 months of TTC our DD it really did take a toll on our sex life and I would try not to make it too regimented if you can, I know it's hard though when you just want to fall pregnant flowers

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher Mon 02-May-16 08:20:49

When we were TTC, we agreed I wouldn't tell my DH when I was ovulating as he then felt pressure to perform which made it stressful for him. Would that work for you?

Lala1980 Mon 02-May-16 08:43:03

He will only perform when he is in the mood so it doesn't matter if/when I initiate it. Just was a bad night last night. I was "in the window" as well as in the mood anyway so felt doubley rejected.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 02-May-16 09:46:51

And you want a baby with a selfish twat because ....?

dementedpixie Mon 02-May-16 10:01:02

How is it selfish to not want sex when you don't feel like it?

Lala1980 Mon 02-May-16 10:03:00

He's my husband and he's lovely. I'm sorry if I've said anything to suggest he's a twat. I have realised I have a higher sex drive than him, he has kids already so I guess babies are less of a priority for him, and I believed the misconception that men always have sex on the brain lol..

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Mon 02-May-16 10:03:41

He isn't too tired for sex. It could be over in as little as five mins if it needed to be.

You need a frank chat with your dh. Sound like he isn't as keen as you.

LadyPenelope68 Mon 02-May-16 10:04:27

It's not selfish to not want sex when you don't feel like it, for goodness sake. You can't expect him to "perform" like some circus animal.

Catmuffin Mon 02-May-16 10:06:58

I guess you need the window to fall in a weekend or holiday when he is less tired from his job. Had he been working yesterday? If he'd been off work for the weekend and still not up for it then that's tricky

Costacoffeeplease Mon 02-May-16 10:09:17

If he was fully on board with the baby making he'd make an effort - but you feel rejected, and not just from a conception pov

Junosmum Mon 02-May-16 12:07:19

You haven't made him sound like a twat.

If he isn't in the mood, he isn't in the mood. Fwiw I had sex CD11 and ovulated CD16, bfp CD28.

I don't think it's that he doesn't want kids, just he doesn't want sex. And you can definitely be too tired for sex, regardless of how quickly it can be.

Seeyounearertime Mon 02-May-16 12:12:58

If some bloke came on here and said,
"My missus doesn't want sex every other day"

Noone would dream of calling that woman a selfish twat.

Why is it that its okay to call OPs OH a selfish twat then? It isn't is it really?
Whatever the reasons he doesn't want sex, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want sex, unless you advocate coercion?

Op die need to talk to him though, explain that if he does want a child that there are certain actions that have to be performed. It my be that he's not s keen on the idea as OP, but if that's the case then OP will either have to accept that or move on to someone else.

boodles101 Mon 02-May-16 12:14:44

My DP has a low sex drive too and combined with working/travelling long hours I know where you are coming from. I didn't tell him when my fertile week was but I tried sending him some naughty texts during the day so by the time he got home from work he was in the mood. Didn't quite manage every other day but i got my bfp on saturday so we obviously timed it right. Maybe worth a try?

LanaorAna1 Mon 02-May-16 12:15:27

He's too tired for more kids. Not sex.

Seeyounearertime Mon 02-May-16 12:15:59

Fwiw, me and GF are TTC ATM.
I have no issue having a TTC session but we still have to be in the mood, I'd never dream of trying coercion if she wasnt in the mood because it just adds pressure to something that should be enjoyable, once it's not enjoyable it becomes a chore, once it becomes a chore it becomes an effort and once that happens you may as well forget it.

Lweji Mon 02-May-16 12:17:11

You have a fertile window of about a week. Are you not having sex during that time at all?

And he is not unreasonable for saying no to sex if he doesn't feel like it.

APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere Mon 02-May-16 15:38:09

I also don't tell DH when my fertile window is, as he can get quite anxious and the pressure often makes it harder to perform and the whole thing less sexy. We try and do it every few days across the month.

I don't think he is being selfish (only 1 poster has said this) unless he is turning you down repeatedly and refusing to talk about it. But then I think you have a different issue.

Imps9 Mon 02-May-16 16:31:33

I could have written your post OP. I think people unfairly underestimate the pressure that men can be under when TTC. My OH struggle to perform during the fertile window. He is not selfish or a twat or disinterested in having children - he is the opposite of all of these things and the pressure got to him. It certainly didn't help to get upset or tell him we had to have sex in order to get pregnant (he's realised this - he's not a child!). In the end, the only thing that worked is for me to make out that it was no big deal whether or not we got pregnant that month, even though that was the opposite of what I was feeling. The more nonchalant I was about it, the less pressure he felt and the more sex we had.

It's tough for you - really tough. But I'm guessing it's really tough for him too. Hope you can work through it together.

CoolforKittyCats Mon 02-May-16 16:34:01

It's not selfish to not want sex when you don't feel like it, for goodness sake. You can't expect him to "perform" like some circus animal.

Completely agree

Blue2014 Mon 02-May-16 16:40:25

Talk to him about it. It might be there is a solution.

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