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Conflicted about having third child

(7 Posts)
ayesar Mon 28-Mar-16 04:24:40

I have a 4.5 year old son and almost 3 year old son. For the past year I have been thinking of having a third, and talked to my husband numerous times about it. He said ok let's go for it and I got pregnant a 4.5 months ago. I miscarried a few months in. Since then he doesn't want any more kids and says he's more than happy with 2 and doesn't have any desire to have more. He said he was only doing it for me before. I can respect his decision completely but I'm having a hard time dealing with the reality that I'm not going to have more kids. I still find myself thinking about what age gap would be good between my second and third, and when to get pregnant. Basically these are my delusions.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how do you move on?? Seeing that absolutely no one in my family or friends approve of having more kids and they all think 2 kids is more than enough, I'll probably appreciate the fact that we stopped at 2 years from now, but right now I still yearn for another. I feel hurt when my husband pulls out during sex and says 'better safe than sorry', and when he says he can't wait for our little one to be done with daycare so our expenses go down. It's ridiculous that these things hurt me but I feel like he is so closed from this idea now and I'm still not. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

sugarplumfairy28 Mon 28-Mar-16 08:58:50

I'm not sure I can say anything to make it better, but I am in much the same situation. We have DS who is 7 and DD who is 5, we had said that 3 would be nice, originally said once DS started school which would have been 2013/2014 but life got in the way (we emigrated) and its been one thing after another.

My parents live in a flat under our house and my mum (who I am close with, well I was) is super controlling I have since realised. She is very very much of the opinion that 2 is enough for anyone and will either get very angry at hearing someone is expecting number 3, 4 or 5 or if it is someone she actually likes will come up with inventive ways to make it acceptable. My cousin (male) is expecting another baby, it's his second but his partners 4th although he treats all the kids the same and is wonderful, for him, it's "OK" to mum because it's only his second but she has a much lower opinion of his partner. My brother, has an older step daughter and 2 younger sons of his own, she refuses, absolutely refuses to accept the step daughter as part of her family! Although I haven't out and out told my mum our plans for number 3 she has spent the last 5 years telling me, I simply cannot have number 3, it's cruel, it's greedy and many other horrid things.

All I have realised is this feeling, doesn't go away. I understand what you mean about the age gap, for us it's looking like 8 and 6 years minimum, which has lead me to think about even a 4th.

By the sounds of it your DH is actually grieving, and perhaps doesn't want either of you to suffer the pain of a miscarriage again, he may need more time. Only doing it for you, to me sounds like a bit of a cover up and that he may consider it again-

ThirtyNineWeeks Mon 28-Mar-16 09:34:23

Try talking to your husband more frankly; tell him how hurt this closure makes you feel. At the same time, miscarriage can be very final for a man who watches his wife suffer, whereas mc just makes us more obsessed with having another baby thanks

ThirtyNineWeeks Mon 28-Mar-16 09:42:51

Sugar, unless my mother had invested a considerable amount of time and energy into looking after my other kids I would resolutely refuse to take heed of her horrors about a third.

sugarplumfairy28 Mon 28-Mar-16 11:35:42

Up until we emigrated, my parents did look after the children 3 times a week and yes it wouldn't have been fair to blindly have another and expect her to look after 3, regardless of whether the older 2 were at school. Now, I don't work as such, I craft items and do some freelance website stuff, but that's completely on me, and my parents do not look after the children. They spend a great deal of time with them because of our living situation but no where in comparison to the child care they provided while I worked full time. The comments and telling me what I can and can't do has continued, but I feel like I have lost a child I've never had, and that I simply cannot allow my mother to treat me like a 10 year with pets, rather than a 30 year and my children. I can totally appreciate how OP feels, it's a constant ache and feels like a lose.

ayesar Mon 28-Mar-16 14:22:16

Oh gosh Sugar, you have a bad situation. If you and your husband know you want a third, no one else's opinion should matter. I know she won't be happy and probably won't want to take care of all 3 kids, but you shouldn't let that stop you from having another child if that's what you want. You and your hubby can take care of them without any help.

We have never had a day's help from my parents or in laws with our 2 kids and we are fine. It's because our parents live very far from us.

My husband is definitely not grieving and seems quite happy after the miscarriage. He said it made him realize that he didn't really want a third sad He was upset that I was upset during the miscarriage but he himself thought it was no big deal and couldn't fully understand why I was upset. I should say though, that I had a lot of concerns and doubts with having a third too. Mostly I was worried about the logistics of 3, having enough money to send them to university, having enough energy to give them attention, so many factors. I still worry about the same things, but the yearning is still there. And my mom, in laws, friends all thought I was crazy when I was pregnant a few months ago. I didn't get a positive reaction from anyone, which actually made me feel bad about the pregnancy. I didn't enjoy the pregnancy at all and felt like I was doing something wrong.

Sugar, I'm just curious, do you think your kids are good ages to have another baby? Are they pretty independent and self sufficient? Or do you think there is too large an age gap?

sugarplumfairy28 Mon 28-Mar-16 15:37:49

My hubby was fairly indifferent about a 3rd to begin with, but he has come around. Although I have to say that neither of our children were planned planned, to the extent we seem to be planning this, we just weren't as careful and we were happy to be relaxed about it.

I'm not actually in the UK so DD will be 6 when she goes to school, and with that in mind, I do feel that I would have more time and energy to manage a 3rd child. Also where I am there is financial incentives to encourage families to have more children (ageing population problem) and university is free for all, so that aspect isn't quite as stressful. I am however a little worried that an age gap of 6 and 8 years may make a 3rd a little lonely perhaps, which has let my mind wonder off into the realms of having a 4th. But I know people with similar age gaps who don't have that problem. My cousin who I mentioned, there will be an 8 year age gap.

I am worried about my mums reaction, but I think it would be limited to her. I didn't really enjoy people treating me differently while pregnant, to the point that I changed the wheel on our 4x4 when it got a puncture.

I don't think I will ever forgive myself if I let other people determine the overall size of my family, and that's what it boils down to.

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