Would you be upset if your (adult) DD didn't tell you she was pg?

(51 Posts)
LemonShizzleCake Fri 18-Mar-16 22:22:42

Quick question for mums of daughters, hope this is a good/relevant section to post...

I have just (today!) found out I am about 4 weeks pg. Obv extremely early days and I am not counting any chickens just yet, just in case. But we are starting to think about when to tell parents and siblings, as I always imagined I would tell them v early on (as would want their support if God forbid anything went wrong). DH doesn't want to tell ANYONE until at least 12weeks, as he wants to be able to make a nice happy announcement and celebrate once we are further along, rather than tell a couple of people quietly and (I think in his eyes) "spoil" a big reveal moment later on. It's possibly relevant that our engagement announcement didn't go entirely according to plan so I think he wants to make up for it.

However, I think that if I were in my DM's shoes, particularly, I might feel quite hurt that my DD didn't feel she could tell me straight away (but if we tell DM, we have to tell DDad, etc etc).

So my question is, if you are a DM yourself, would you feel hurt that you only found out about your DD's pregnancy at 12 weeks? Or am I being oversensitive and overthinking this? I know it's ultimately mine & DH's decision, just want to minimise upset.

Any insight appreciated. Thanks in advance smile

BeautifulMaudOHara Fri 18-Mar-16 22:24:10

Yes I'd be hurt

And if you do miscarry won't you want her love and support? Your Dh is being precious and should get over himself. IMO

LemonShizzleCake Fri 18-Mar-16 22:24:15

Oh and the reason I put (adult) in the thread title was to try to make it clear I'm not a teen/living at home/etc. Married, own home, stable etc.

Sorry if that wasn't clear!

ImperialBlether Fri 18-Mar-16 22:27:20

I would expect to be told before the rest of the world, but I'd be able to keep it to myself. I hope everything goes well, but if it doesn't you will need your mum's support, won't you?

lastnightiwenttomanderley Fri 18-Mar-16 22:27:37

I didn't tell my mum til 12 weeks, she was just as excited and in no way upset.

MrsJayy Fri 18-Mar-16 22:27:40

No id be fine 12 weeks is usual to tell people including mums tell her when you are ready congrats flowers

MrsJayy Fri 18-Mar-16 22:29:16

Make sure you tell mums first though

AmyB1986 Fri 18-Mar-16 22:29:36

Hi- I know my DM would be upset if I didn't tell her straight the way. I had a miscarriage in Jan this year and DM knew straight the way. It was having her support that got me through.

With all of my pregnancies I've called as soon as I get the positive pg test doesn't matter what DH says that's my mum. Up to him if he doesn't want to tell his family straight the way.

Congratulations on your pregnancy thanks

DiscoDancer Fri 18-Mar-16 22:29:53

I told mine after six or seven weeks once we'd got our heads round the bfp. She was ecstatic and told us not to tell anyone else until twelve weeks smile

aurorie11 Fri 18-Mar-16 22:30:01

We told no one until 12 weeks with pregnancy 2, preg 1 was a miscarriage, my parents were so happy and then devastated at the loss. Didn't want to tell them about no 2 in case lost that one (we didn't) as couldn't cope with their upset as well as theirs.

hilbil21 Fri 18-Mar-16 22:30:41

Only if when you did tell you didn't tell her first X

LemonShizzleCake Fri 18-Mar-16 22:31:22

BeautifulMaud of course I would definitely want her love and support - that's one of the reasons I want to tell her early. If I was unlucky enough to mc and I hadn't already told her, I would tell her then rather than keeping it from her altogether...but I would rather not drop a bombshell like that out of the blue, I would rather she already knew I was/had been pg.

I am hoping that DH will change his mind and we'll be able to tell a couple of select close friends/family, including my DM, but I do understand his point of view and this is his baby too - there's no way I could go against his wishes and tell people sooner than he's ready.

If he doesn't change his mind, just seeking a straw poll to see how other DMs would react. Thanks for your opinion smile

ButtfaceMiscreant Fri 18-Mar-16 22:31:54

First pregnancy we waited until 12 weeks, second pregnancy we told after a private scan at 8/9 weeks as I had to tell other people for various reasons, and didn't want to tell them without informing family. However, I am not close to my mum so wouldn't ever have told her as soon as I got my BFPs.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Fri 18-Mar-16 22:33:02

I told my mum about 8 weeks with both pregnancies. My sis didn't tell her until after her 12 week scan though and she was absolutely fine with that. In the nicest possible way, your pregnancy isn't about your mum so do what feels right for you. But it sounds like your DH might be pressuring you to keep quiet when you don't really want to?

Wigeon Fri 18-Mar-16 22:33:36

We didn't tell anyone at all until 12 weeks. I don't think my mum would have been very helpful if I had had a miscarriage. My dad definitely wouldn't (divorced from my mum). So I preferred not to tell anyone and DH wasn't desperate to tell his parents earlier. (Although probably he would have had I told my parents).

I think it's completely up to you and dependent on your relationship with your parents.

Wigeon Fri 18-Mar-16 22:34:50

My mum didn't say she wanted to have been told sooner. She didn't know we were TTC either. She seemed happy for us though!

caravanista Fri 18-Mar-16 22:38:55

My DD made it clear that if she was ttc she wouldn't be telling anyone until the 12 week scan. Absolutely fine with me!

Haffdonga Fri 18-Mar-16 22:39:07

Yes I'd be hurt.

I told my mum very early because I wanted her love and support. Not because I didn't have love and support from dh, but because my mum could give a different sort of love and support that only a mum can. Your dh is BU.

Kingofthestupids Fri 18-Mar-16 22:41:15

I told my mum at 12 weeks. DH and I phoned our mums at the same time to tell them.

zzzzz Fri 18-Mar-16 22:42:08

I don't think it matters. I told all my family at 6 weeks (not least because it was Xmas and we were staying with them). I could have done without dsis insistence that it was too early and that I could still lose the baby shock sad. Otherwise it was fine.

ijustwannadance Fri 18-Mar-16 22:42:47

We didn't tell anyone until after 12 week scan then told both sets of grandparents first. My DM didn't give a monkey's that I hadn't told her earlier. I also never put anything on fb for my entire pregnancy and made sure no one else did either.

brujo Fri 18-Mar-16 22:44:08

Waited till 12 weeks for all family they were all fine with it.

My Mum understood but they suffered a miscarriage just after they told everyone and she said it was hard having to deal with everyone else as well.

My sister told everyone straight away had extra family at scans finding the weren't allowed into scan room. That got very hard as the scan revealed problems and they were coming to terms with that more tests and lack of information with an audience and not being able to share in their own time.

Other friends found the swore people to secrecy only to find they told everyone often as they were so excited.

I think it depend on the people an the relationships involved but it's not uncommon to stay silent till 12 weeks and miscarriage risk drops while other people announce TTC.

Sootica Fri 18-Mar-16 22:44:21

Its your DH's child too but your body. If you want your mum's support through your early pregnancy I think that should be your decision.

MrsJayy Fri 18-Mar-16 22:56:18

Maybe compromise and tell mums before everybody else I can see why your husband is wary

DoJo Fri 18-Mar-16 22:56:51

We didn't tell anyone until after 12 weeks with both pregnancies. I had two miscarriages in between and was so glad my mum didn't know as she would have been more upset than we were about them and I'm quite a private person so only wanted support from my husband at the time. He was on board with this though and we both agreed on it long before we even had to consider it as a reality. I think an element of compromise might be needed here - neither of you should disregard the other's feelings.
And congratulations! flowers

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