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And they lived happily ever after.... Except she wants a baby an he isn't ready

(10 Posts)
practisingpatience Fri 11-Mar-16 13:09:53

Hi all,

Brand new here, though been lurking around for ages to make sure I could post this without being turfed out for not being with child.

I am 24, have a great job, nice house and wonderful man. As my oldest friend would put it, I have my s**t together. He is slightly older than me, has an even better job and together we have a strong relationship, are probably a little too honest with each other at times and pride our selves on not sweating the small stuff and being the concrete parental types our friends come to when they need sorting out.

Up until Christmas I was enjoying life to the full and looking forward to the trips we have planned this year, then as if by magic, a wave of broodiness has knocked me off my feet and taken a huge grip on my rationale for the past three months.

I eat, sleep and breathe baby articles. Poured over the dangers of talcum powder and what I don't now know about reusable nappies you could probably fit on a postage stamp.

The trouble is, we aren't ready to start a family and whilst I'd happily swap my law pads for breast pads this minute, the more I talk and cry (oh boy do I cry!) the more I think he would rather exit via the nearest window.

So, I have come here to take sanctuary and ask if there is any remedy for my merciless desire to reproduce and stop myself folding our tea towels into the kite fold blush

Owllady Fri 11-Mar-16 13:18:23

I don't know, when I felt like this I just had a baby and I was younger than you blush then I quite quickly had another. We had our own home, were married etc etc but it wasn't easy. My eldest was diagnosed with development delays around 18 months and she now has a severe disability. I wouldn't change any of it for the world (or her) but it has been really hard and I've had to give up work to care and we aren't very financially secure anymore. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is, when you have children you stop being a child yourself and in your early 20s that can be overwhelming, especially when life throws you challenges you didn't think you'd be able to cope with. But if you feel ready, you feel ready. I'm not sure I could have waited tbh. I had another after those two (in my late 20s) so it can't have been that overwhelming wink

I realise I was lucky to get pregnant etc too though. Not everyone finds it that straightforward

Jw35 Fri 11-Mar-16 13:30:35

I think you should talk honestly with your partner. If he's not ready perhaps he could give a realistic time frame of when he thinks he will be. You have lots of time but there's no need to wait if you're both on board.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Fri 11-Mar-16 13:33:42

You need to start thinking of yourself as a person and not just " a mother in waiting".
Have you any hobbies or go out to do stuff?
This brooding about motherhood isn't very healthy for you.

Devgal Fri 11-Mar-16 13:45:58

OH I can really sympathize with you. This was exactly my husband and I a year ago. We got married the year previously and I had been waiting extremely patiently for him to bring up the topic or give some sort of indication that he was ready as I didn't want to push him. We still talked about it although it did seem fairly one sided so again I held off pushing him until one day I just had to be honest and say how I had truly been feeling about the whole thing as it was constantly on my mind. After lots of tears I again just felt the only thing I could do was to leave it again, then out of the blue some months later he said he felt he was ready and suggested a time we start TTC. I know him well enough and looking back now I know he needed us to have certain things in place before we thought about it, even though as far as most people would be concerned we too had our s**t together!

I managed to deal with the last year by booking little breaks away, giving myself projects on the house and throwing myself into work! I hate to say it but you are still young and it's ok for me to say that as I was 24 last year when I felt the same ;) use that to your advantage and no that if you don't even discuss it again for another year, you will still be young!

practisingpatience Fri 11-Mar-16 14:03:47

Thank you for the replies, would it make me more grown up if I said nearly 25 wink

I have plenty of projects on the go, I'm a serial handicraft addict and spend an embaressing amount of time in hobbycraft.

I've got a girly holiday coming up soon with said oldest friend, (I have known her since we were in Sunday school and I had to ask for forgiveness for feeling jealous about her amazing elephant dangly earrings).

Also doing spa days, looking after my sisters kids and looking at new bicycles now the evenings are lighter. So basically feeling like I'm filling my big car seat shaped hole with "stuff".

My chap is the bees knees though and does appreciate how important it is to me, just not yet. (Sob)

It also seems amongst my friends (all pretty much between 25-30) that it is mad to have babies now whilst we should all be out on group ski trips and jetting off to Austrailia in term time.... Alas I am not interested, and make Bridget Jones look like a pro on the slopes.

Not meaning to rant, just nice to know others have felt similar.

SwearyGodmother Fri 11-Mar-16 16:25:11

7 1/2 years ago I had that desperate broodiness take over me like someone had flicked a switch in my body. I remember being overwhelmed by the feeling, and also overwhelmed by how primal it was. DH didn't want a child and said to me that he'd like to wait a year before TTC. I figured that was reasonable and we agreed to wait until a year had passed. About six months into that year the broodiness feeling left as quickly and absolutely as it had arrived. Again it was like a switch had been flicked. We're still child free and perfectly happy being so (legions of godchildren, nephews, a niece who we adore so we're not child haters).

Anyway, my point is that the need can leave as well. I'm not saying it will, but you might not feel so desperate in a few months. I do think it sensible to speak when you're not too emotional and agree a time frame to talk about it seriously after, or TTC after.


practisingpatience Fri 11-Mar-16 16:42:18

Interesting point swearygodmother.

There are times when I think about how much freedom we have and that our plans can change at the drop of a hat without being responsible for dependants. I think I'm just in a truly hormonal grip of things at the moment and need to ride it out until I'm able to speak sensibly about it without going off on a tangent about prams.

Modestandatinybitsexy Fri 11-Mar-16 17:15:17

Is it that he doesn't want sproglings or is he just not ready?

I had exactly the same feels as you at the same age. DP (now DH) had been together an age and we had a house but he just didn't feel financially ready to host spawn.

He agreed that once we were married we could TTC and it happened that things picked up a year or so before that so we started a bit earlier. It hasn't happened yet but there's still hope.

The broodiness does get better, or maybe you just learn to live with it. Either way it no longer feels all consuming for me anymore flowers

practisingpatience Fri 11-Mar-16 18:36:27

Oh he does want them, just not yet.

Our "time frame" is two years, but that might as well be two decades the state I'm in at the moment.

I must say, reading responses and having some more perspectives is very handy, I know I'm a very lucky girl and in many ways, there are worse things I could be going through than intense broodiness.

In the gentlest way, I feel like I've got a bit of a kick up the bum that was more than required, I think I needed it on prescription!

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