TTC #2 and feeling uncertain(2 Posts)
We're trying to get pregnant with #2, after two miscarriages. I'm 36 and have a 3yo DD. I'm just feeling a bit conflicted at the moment. I really want a baby - I really wanted the last two pregnancies to work and was devastated by the last MMC. But trying to conceive this time I'm feeling almost ambivalent about it. When I was TTC with my daughter I was incredibly strict on myself. I have mild PCOS so was really zealous - no caffeine, no alcohol, exercise 3x weekly.
I guess I'm feeling a bit low still after the previous miscarriages, but at the moment I just can't maintain any of that. I'm not drinking a huge amount of caffeine - just a few cups of tea a day to get me going, but even in 2ww, I'll have a beer with dinner every now and again. Never much more than that, but after a long day with a preschooler I do sometimes want to take the edge off. I think part of me doesn't believe the pregnancy is going to happen, so why should I make myself miserable in the meantime, etc, etc.
I know I'm hardly binging, and it's not the sort of thing that would cause much concern even in the early weeks of pregnancy. And I know I'll have no problem stopping drinking once I'm pregnant. But, I guess I'm feeling bad because psychologically it's a bit like I'm less invested, or as if I'm undermining my ability to get pregnant. I think because of the way I rationalised it all the first time. I was so so ready to get pregnant and so worried because of the PCOS that I really felt like I made myself get pregnant through self-discipline. I know that's irrational. But, now I don't feel the same way and part of me thinks - I'm not going to get pregnant and stay pregnant again, and it's my fault. i guess I'm asking - am I being too hard on myself, or not hard enough? Please excuse the crazy hormonal lady.
Sounds like your brain is trying to protect you from more pain which is totally understandable. It's a coping mechanism and s fairly harmless one really. Realistically a few cups of tea and the occasional beer are not going to do any harm and relaxing will probably make the whole process easier and no less likely to succeed. You can't really will yourself into a successful pregnancy or 'deserve' it into happening. Good luck.
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