TTC#2 after mc, just an offload(4 Posts)
I was here a few years ago under a different nn, thinking I was never going to be a mum. I eventually conceived my DS after two years, weeks before we were due to speak to the fertility specialist about next options. I remember thinking (and even as an atheist, praying) that if only I could have one child, everything would be okay.
And it is, in most ways. He's thriving and just the joy of my life. I feel greedy, terrible for even wanting another (mad, I know, but I'd told myself that I could stop there). I used to even get a bit annoyed at TTC#2 threads like this one, thinking 'but you have a child!' I think my whole outlook on this has just been totally skewed.
I understand now and I feel awful. I had a mc about four weeks ago, we weren't 'trying', but we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy either. I genuinely didn't expect anything other than more years of heartache if we decided on a second - somehow as if I'm incapable of conceiving without going through the ringer. Like I haven't earned it. Seeing the second bfp was a rush of adrenaline but it also brought back so much pain from the disappointments the first time, and while I'm coping okay with the mc (as if I knew it couldn't be that simple), I feel like I'm back where I was, pissing on all the different sticks, wiping mucus off my fingers and it's only been four sodding weeks.
This way lies madness and I don't know how to stop. I need to be present for my son (and I do apologise to anyone who is TTC#1 and wants to throttle me, I totally get it). The irony is that I know DS was conceived on the one month I wasn't measuring, we were waiting for next steps from the clinic and I decided to just stop. So even logically this is just wasted energy. Someone, please, tell me how to feel okay about trying without making it like this? How do I just stop?
Thanks for reading if you got this far. I know I need to get a grip.
Hi, sorry for your mc.
I am in a sort of similar situation - over 3 yrs to conceive ds. Had a failed ivf. Then ttc2 and have since had an early mc and a stillbirth. Thought I would be ok with 1, wish could accept it. Am 39. I had awful 22 mths ttc2 but it would have been all worthwhile had we a second baby in our arms now. As it is I still long for another one but the past two years give us littlw hope. But many people are very lucky/fortunate and do not have the journey I have and you may well be successful if that is the path you choose. Wish I could have done it without sticks and testing etc, sigh!
Rooibos . I am so sorry for your mc and your stillbirth. Thank you so much for even reading my vent never mind replying. I think I'm in such a bad frame of mind about conceiving that I'm not stopping to think about positive bits and I really should do that. Other people are lucky every day, you're so right. I hope it happens for you soon
I hope it happens soon for everyone who wishes a baby!!
Parts of what you wrote really resonated with me - the feeling of not deserving anything but going through great difficult times. And that desperation for one child "if only I could have one" and then for me that desperate need for a second.
A wise person told me they only found it ok when they held a subsequent child. But to not hold one - no idea how to cope with that I am afraid. Strangely the early (5 weeks) mc was ok - well not ok, but compared to everything else the easiest bit. I am just wasting energy being angry - so not recommending that route! Angry at people whose greatest moan is the gender of 2nd child or it being a too short a gap between children or those whose contraception fails ( oh how I wish for it to be so easy!) I never say anything, just keep telling myself if that is their greatest tragedy then they are fortunate not to have experienced what others do in their quest for a family.
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