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Being open about IVF- WWYD/WDYD?0

(18 Posts)
iamnotaspindoctor Tue 16-Jun-15 20:18:59

We are due to start IVF in either 3 or 7 weeks. in our private life we have always been very open about wanting DC so when they didn't appear there was no chance of explaining it away so we have been pretty open about what's going on. Generally people have been lovely and supportive, with the very odd exception.

When we were told we'd need IVF I told my local boss (matrix organisation) as I will need to be able to attend all the appointments and have time off for collection, transfer etc. He has been great- supporting me 100% without being nosey and is helping me along the road to promotion at the same time, so no worries there. As the key time is now approaching I told my remote boss today who was also very supportive, and asked me if I'd shared with my team that this is happening. I haven't yet, though I have told a few close work friends outside of my team. I'm not sure what to do. On the one hand I know a number of my time are concerned about me- I have had a lot of appointments lately, with many more to come, and last week I was upset in the office which a couple of them noticed, and I am getting a lot of concerned questions about whether or not I'm OK. I had to tell one team member today as they have been asking me daily if everything is OK at home and are clearly concerned that I or a family member are seriously I'll or something similar.

I'm minded to tell a select few in my team who can be trusted to be discreet and help cover my absence when needed but not sure if this is the right thing to do. Local boss very much thinks I should keep it quiet to reduce the pressure on myself, whereas remote boss thinks I could tell the team to motivate them to cover for me, but is not pressuring me to do so. I don't know what to do as don't want people worrying unnecessarily but also am not sure how much I want to share with work colleagues.

What have others done in the same situation? How did it work out?

gingerbubs Tue 16-Jun-15 20:29:02

Hi! I'm due to start ivf in the next couple of weeks. I told my direct boss quite a while back, then last week I emailed a few key people to let them know, exactly for the reasons you said, so they can help cover it up and rearrange things for me at short notice. They are people I trust and I asked them to keep it discreet. In theory it doesn't bother me if everyone knows but I don't really want the well meaning questions when I'm not sure how fragile I'll be feeling. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about it though, have a think about what will make life easiest for you. Good luck!

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 20:35:00

i couldn't tell my work, nothing stays a secret

but like you I'm convinced my boss must think I'm really ill or something and i haven't started ivf yet

i think people knowing adds more pressure to succeed

having to update people on news good or bad could just be torment

However, for you it may be supportive to have people to talk to

If your boss knows already anyway then he should be taking away the element of stress by accommodating shift cover etc

I will be taking the other approach, telling them as early as possible when i need time off and not accepting no as an answer

butterflyFairy1 Tue 16-Jun-15 20:36:57

I'm in a little bit of a similar situation, but not completely the same.. If that makes sense?!

I'm planning on starting IVF in October, providing everything goes ok. Only difference is, is I'm doing it alone. I've currently had a promotion, and I'm in a twelve week training/programming course, which I must attend at all times. It's 9-5, so there's no chance of me getting out to appointments until I get my shifts back and can plan around them.

I'm in a difficult position because I don't know whether to tell my line manager or not. He would be 100% supportive, and would let me go to appointments, but the only thing is, is I feel rude asking for the time off sad (not saying you're rude to ask for the time off - I wish I had your strength!)

I also don't want to get prying questions because I don't have a partner and because I'm reasonably young (mid twenties).

There's no way I'd tell my team, because of my circumstances, but if I was in your position, I'd tell the select few I was closer too. It's good to have support, just tell them that you don't want constant questions and you'll update them when you feel ready too, not when they demand it. You know..?

How do you feel about the actual IVF process? Slightly off topic, I know, but nobody else I know has gone through this so it's nice to have someone in a similar boat to me. I'm petrified! X

WaverleyOwl Tue 16-Jun-15 20:39:58

I've been through IVF 2 times (and have 2 lovely DSs for the effortgrin) and the first time I didn't tell anyone work-related. A few friends knew, and family knew, but I was fortunate that the clinic I was with could fit my appointments around work (apart from the obvious time-dependent ones). For those, I just fudged last minute annual leave, and had an understanding boss.

Second time around, I was a little more open with work. Told my line manager as I couldn't be bothered with the cloak and daggers of last minute days off. They were fine and we sorted things out.

Both times it seemed to pan out okay, but I work for the NHS (non-clinical) so I think things are fairly relaxed. In my line of work, they would rather know so they can plan cover.

Good luck!

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 20:41:04

I'm petrified of wasting money with no result, especially when it has no guarantees.

Probably why i haven't booked yet, get other half use to the idea.

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 20:42:47

waverleyowl where did u have your ivf ?!

I'm all about the stats at the moment and the cost?

iamnotaspindoctor Tue 16-Jun-15 20:50:28

I am apprehensive, nervous, excited, worried, sick, tearful, hysterical, silly....depending on what time of day/what day of the week it is/who I am talking to grin

Looking forward to it, but worried about the physical effect of the drugs, and the emotional/mental effects of the process/possible failure.

We're at Birmingham Women's Hospital and very luckily get 2 funded NHS rounds due to careful navigation of the postcode lottery. We're having ICSI and went to an info evening last night-latest success rates at 46%.

NoCupcakesOrCocktails Tue 16-Jun-15 20:57:23

Hi OP,

I've had IVF 3 times, I ended up
telling my colleagues midway through my first cycle as it became clear they were getting worried I was seriously ill. I felt I had no choice. Everyone was really supportive but at the same time I felt a lot of pressure when things didn't go to plan. Also when I finally did get pregnant the first trimester was quite stressful
as everyone knew. That said if I was to do it all again I still think I would tell them smile good luck to all of you about to start treatment x

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 21:04:46

46% that sounds good (is that for age 35 and under) ?

iamnotaspindoctor Tue 16-Jun-15 21:08:58

Yes, that's for 35 and under. I think over 35 was a few % points less, but not a huge difference. Where in the country are you hyland?

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 21:09:13

i feel like I've waited so long that the mood swings of drug effects can't be as bad as the living hell of failing month after month

maybe just a different type of failure lol

feel like ivf is my only hope to get out of this rut

u can alway pm me if u want a moan or swap stories of how crazy it makes us

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 21:16:24

not far from london just south so pretty much all london clinics would be equally a pain to get to get to

went to Hammersmith hospital fir open evening start if june which also has partner clinic in harley street

im 36 and stats are 39.8%

but since then i found that ARGC IN LONDON more expensive have a success rate of 68.3% for my age and 80.2% for under 35

this seems hard to believe but from the little i have ready they have a full on OverThetop testing every day and really intense which apparently gets results even if they are criticised for being not as friendly

butterflyFairy1 Tue 16-Jun-15 21:29:50

That's pretty much exactly how I feel iamnotaspindoctor!

I have every emotion under the sun...! That success rate is good, very good. I'll be at a CARE Fertility Clinic in Northampton, and they're pretty good too. From what I can gather, Northampton's clinic has the best success rates out of all the CARE clinics - so that keeps me hopeful.

I'm worried about the same thing. I'll be private as I'm young and single, but I know this is what I want. And with more bad experiences with men that I care to have, being a lone parent is the way forward for me. I have four men in my life that mean the world to me - my Dad, Grandad, uncle and brother. They will be excellent male role models for my child. I understand I'm going to get a lot of negative energy from doing it alone, but it's personal choice, eh? They don't know what I've been through which has helped me make my decision. Whenever I thought about me being a parent, even as a young teenager, I never could see a male present. And I've picked all the wrong ones anyway so my faith in men has lowered considerably!

If you've got no known explanation for your fertility issues, you might find out during the IVF process. As it's quite invasive with all the detailed scans and things, they may be able to see something normal scans wouldn't pick up on. I don't know, I'm stabbing in the dark but I guess it's always a possibility.

I'm scared as hell that it's not going to work so I know exactly how you're feeling sad

Hyland Tue 16-Jun-15 21:38:47

I hope u don't come across negative energy from any F***wits coz I'm sure you have thought it through and i love how u mention the important men in ur life

I have NO known issues and had a bunch of test already !?

TheGonnagle Tue 16-Jun-15 21:45:01

We had ICSI at Birmingham Women's under the very lovely, very marvellous Dr.Shah and his team nearly six years ago. The result is asleep upstairs!

I have been very open about our infertility treatment, I don't see it as anything to hide and I told people at work from the outset. People were almost universally sympathetic and it made the emotional roller coaster easier as I didn't have to worry about people wondering what was going on.

Good luck!

iamnotaspindoctor Wed 17-Jun-15 07:11:55

Thanks everyone for your advice and gonnagle for your story.. always good to hear a positive outcome grin

I've been generally very negative (think I'm protecting myself from a fall should it not work), but seeing the 46% stat has made it seem more like a real possibility of something that could work.

I think I am going to go with telling a select few who can help cover me (both in terms of picking IP work and excusing any absences!), its not a 'shift' type job where you can just move your hours around -everyone works (long) office hours-generally 8-6.30ish and we CANNOT have certain times off due to workload so there'll be no booking of 'last minute' holidays to get around things.

vallinnapod Mon 22-Jun-15 21:16:13

Hiya,

I was open with immediate people at work and all friends and family. It's a stressful enough process without worrying about how to cover your tracks at the same time.

I conceived DS first time but DD was 2 full IVF cycles, 3 FETs and a MC. It made it 'easier' not having to pretend all was fine, or explain a whole backstory to people.

Must be a glutton for punishment as we have 2 frosties left and are seriously considering a 3rd....would never do a full IVF cycle again though. I feel like i tainted a good year of DS's life with it.

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