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Nearly 39 - can I delay TTC?

(9 Posts)
Snippets75 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:01:32

I am 39 next month and got married for the second time last year. DH has 2 kids, 12 and 10, and I have 2 boys aged 7 and 5. We have been discussing whether we want to try for another baby. DH is quite open to it but I honestly cannot decide. There are many reasons against it, e.g. we have 4 kids already and I am really not sure I want to go through another pregnancy and maternity leave again and be out of the work place as things are going well on that front and it will be a step back for another 1-2 years. DS1 is also struggling a little with the new blended family and I am not sure I would want to impose on him the added stress of a new sibling. There are also a host of potential financial ramifications with my ex and our divorce arrangements which are annoying but would not stop me doing it. The main reason I am against is that I am not sure I want to be pregnant again and have that lifestyle change. Feels like I have been through that with my two and not sure I want to repeat it all again! On the other hand, I really love DH and would dearly love to have a child with him and, of course, if that baby were to arrive then we would both adore it. I worry that if we don't then we would regret it in a few years. Given that I can't seem to decide either way, it seems best to do nothing for another 6 months to a year, by which point I will be nearly 40. I am very aware that the risks go up all the time and that if we want to try again then we probably do it asap. Is this right or will me being a year older not make much difference at this stage? This assumes, of course, that we would be able to conceive, which we may not!

PacificDogwood Fri 12-Jun-15 10:04:23

Of course you can delay and I think you should as you don't sound at all certain, but you have to accept that there is no arguing with biology.
Statistically your chances to conceive are dropping with age, so as along as you are ok with that, fine.

And I am saying that as somebody who had my last 2 children aged 42 and 44, but there are just no guarantees, ever.

PacificDogwood Fri 12-Jun-15 10:05:35

Btw, when I rocked up pregnant at 41 and 43, nobody bat an eyelid and I had v normal pregnancies and deliveries with both of those 2.

Nobody can make the decision for you - it really is up to you (and your DH).

Snippets75 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:52:54

Thanks Pacific. I am less worried about TTC than having a healthy baby. If in doubt, the best thing is to do nought isn't it? Bit confusing as once the baby is here, you would love it and never regret it for a minute, which makes me think sometimes that we should just crack on and deal with whatever arises. That said, I know how much work a baby is, the impact it has on you and your relationship and your work etc, and the existing children. I already feel like I have no time with my boys as I work full time so not sure how another baby would work. Also, sounds ridiculous but another reason I was putting pressure on myself to have one within the year is that if I leave it any later the new child would not get into the (outstanding) school my DSs go to under the sibling rule as DS2 would have left and we are not in the catchment area for any other good schools. But that's a bad reason to expedite, isn't it?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Fri 12-Jun-15 10:59:40

It's a gamble. On the one hand you don't sound at all convinced that its what you want, which is a huge reason not to go ahead right now. But on the other hand, if you decide in a year or two its what you really want, it might not happen at all, or in the way you want it to.

I don't agree with the "you never regret a baby" idea, ime its just not the case. But which do you think you would regret more? Doing it now or not doing it at all?

wallypops Fri 12-Jun-15 11:18:00

Been in very much your shoes and decided against because thinking about the long term meant 10 years extra at work to pay for the education etc. unfair on the other kids I suspect too. We decided that we would wait to be grandparents but hopefully not too soon.

Snippets75 Fri 12-Jun-15 17:23:02

I am now thinking that it would be best to put it on hold for a year maximum then see how I feel about it. Agree that it doesn't make sense to crack on now, could have disastrous consequences. Will just have to take the risk that if may not happen. I think I could live with that without too many massive regrets. It's only a year I guess although I am not convinced I will feel any differently in a year. I love my boys to bits but I am glad/relieved they are older! DS2 wasn't planned and it took a massive adjustment to be pregnant again and then when he was born I remember thinking I had gone back in time 2 years to when DS1 was born. Just not sure I can face it all again. Pregnancy, sleepless nights, breast-feeding for years etc etc. I think the older and easier they get, the harder it is to go back. But then again, I still swoon at the idea of a baby.

purdiepie Fri 12-Jun-15 17:25:30

Put your struggling-with-blended-family child first.

Snippets75 Fri 12-Jun-15 17:28:03

Well said purdiepie. I intend to do just that. Is that at direct odds with having another baby? I guess it is.

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