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DE or not DE?

(7 Posts)
Sunshine70 Mon 01-Jun-15 22:48:53

I wanted to ask any Parents out there who have had own egg child/children and then gone on to have DE child or children how they got on please? We have a DS born after having IVF treatment but we have been unsuccessful thus far in creating a little brother or sister for him. We have gone so far down the DE route with a view to having treatment in Spain (possibly this
August) but I now am wondering if I wish to have a child who cannot trace their genetic mother if they so desire. My husband and I initially thought that we wouldn't even want to tell any child we might be lucky enough to have through ED of their origins but after counselling have decided that we probably would reveal how they came about to be after all. Unfortunately because of my age (45) it looks as if treatment abroad may be our only option now. Would love to hear any feedback please.

mustbemad71 Tue 02-Jun-15 11:03:27

Sorry I can't give advice but I'm in a similar place to you. 43 and TTC with DP - I have DC but he does not. Feel like time is running out and all the ivf stats seem to point to going down the DE at our age. 8% success rate with own eggs but over 60% with DE on one fertility clinic website. Any ideas where you'd go? There seem to be a lot of good things said about the Czech Republic on MN. Good luck!

joey38 Tue 02-Jun-15 12:38:10

Hi. I don't have the actual experience myself, but I do have a friend who was in a similar situation. She had 2 dc from her first husband. They split and she married a slightly younger man with no children. He was a great stepfather to her 2 kids, but really wanted a child of his own. They tried for a while, and also did IVF, but eventually when she was about 46 (I think) they went down the path of DE. They were successful and now have a 3 year old DS. Unfortunately I have to say that it has not been an easy time. The husband now quite clearly favours 'his' son over the other 2 children, which has resulted in her sort of protecting her first two children more, so there has become this divide between him and 'his' child, and her and 'her' children. It's really quite uncomfortable to see.

Now, this is just one example, and I'm sure there are many many other cases where it has all worked out well. You asked the question about people's experience, so I thought I would share - hope this isn't too negative.

mustbemad71 Tue 02-Jun-15 13:03:11

Thanks for the insight Joey.

Sunshine70 Tue 02-Jun-15 19:30:40

Thanks for messages so far. I am in a real pickle about this one as after a failed own egg IVF cycle last year we've been through the whole process of accepting that we will have much better chances of achieving pregnancy with a donor but now am wondering if I might be asking for trouble in the future using a clinic abroad that only has untraceable donors. WE are now wondering if we should try to find a clinic in the UK that will accept someone my age for treatment so the donor could be traced in the future. I just don't have anyone to talk to that has had a similar experience and it's very frustrating!

mustbemad71 Tue 02-Jun-15 21:06:53

Hello Sunshine forgive me for being ignorant but why is it important to you to have a traceable donor? Is it for any future health issues? I hadn't even considered this! I'm only at the very early stages of considering this route.

Sunshine70 Tue 02-Jun-15 22:43:26

Hi Mustbemad,

When my husband and I started on this journey we decided that nobody would need to know about the fact that we needed a donor to help us conceive. We also thought that we would keep it from our child should we be lucky enough to conceive. It would be our little secret. So going abroad seemed perfect. Subsequently we have had counselling with our clinic (the one we have had two rounds, one successful, of IVF at) which changed our minds.
We were in line for treatment in August in Spain but I had a sudden wobble thinking about the future and how our child might feel if after having decided to disclose their conception history we were then unable to give them any information at all about the Donor. Now we're not sure whether to try to find a UK clinic that will treat me at my age and feel a little like I'm back at the beginning of our journey again with decisions still to be made. Confused!

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