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IUI? Please don't judge..

(10 Posts)
CautionHormone Sat 09-May-15 01:56:50

Hello ladies.. I'm a long term lurker and a first time poster!
Don't really know how to start this post off, so I guess I'll just delve right in...
I'm 24 years old, and I've been thinking about going ahead with IUI using donor sperm.
The reasons behind this are personal, as I've had bad encounters with males on too many occasions, and I've just completely lost all faith in the opposite sex.
I know I'm not old, and I know I'll have plenty of time to start thinking about children in the future should I ever meet anyone I feel comfortable with and can build a life with, but for the past couple of years - well, since I was about 18 - relationships have just not worked out for me at all. I've been in three, the longest lasting three months, and I hated every single minute of all of them.
Whilst I was in the three month relationship, I did happen to fall pregnant. Didn't find out until I was 11 weeks gone, and sadly miscarried at 14 weeks. I was devastated because all I've ever wanted was a child, but (don't hate me for saying this), a blessing in disguise at the same time because I couldn't of been tied to the father for the rest of my life (again, for personal reasons). I had the miscarriage end of last year, and I've been on meltdown mode ever since. I find myself breaking down in shops in the baby aisles, I find myself hating and envious of anyone on social media that announces they're pregnant/posts updates on their pregnancy/babies, likewise when I'm physically in contact with anyone that's pregnant or got a baby. I'm CONSTANTLY dreaming of being pregnant and getting BFP's, and wake up in tears when I find out it's just a dream. I know this is pretty extreme, but I cannot help the way I'm feeling. It's been over 6 months now, and it doesn't seem to be disappearing.
Being a single mother doesn't necessarily bother me. I feel as though I'd be able to keep my child safer if I was sole carer. I also feel as though my child would have just a good up bringing as any child with two parents, because the child would NOT go unloved or mistreated. They would be treated like a true prince/princess. I have a great support network around me, my parents are brilliant, my brother and sister in law just as much so, and I have cousins and friends the same age as me, as well as having grandparents and aunties and uncles. I'm emotionally sound, I'm financially stable - with working in banking - and I have my own place. I'm mature for my age, having seen and dealt with a lot of things most people don't have too, and I have great life experiences. I just feel it's time to settle down with a child of my own to love and care for, which is all I've ever dreamt of.
Sorry for the lengthy post ladies, couldn't get my point across any other way!
Thank you.

CraftyCrafterson Sat 09-May-15 03:06:59

I'm so sorry fortune loss of your baby flowers

Firstly, it sounds to me like you could do with talking to someone, have you considered counselling? Dealing with bad relationships and loss is what they can help you with and might help you to feel more positive in future?
Next, I know this will sound patronising and I so Don't want it to but having a baby could be the hardest thing physically and mentally that you ever do and not having someone there exclusively to support you could make things a whole lot harder. I understand you've family and friends but it's not the same, no matter how good they are.
Obviously each persons situation is different and I'm not going to say 'no way' as its your choice but you are SO SO young and have so much time you really don't need to rush into any decision.
Why not get some counceling, take some time to really think about it first?

smellsofelderberries Sat 09-May-15 10:55:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. One of my best friends is considering going down this route. She actually has had one unsuccessful attempt already, and she said it made her realise just how alone she was in the process. Have you thought about what would happen if you became seriously ill whilst pregnant and couldn't work? What about if you had a child who was disabled and needed a full time carer? It's great that you're financially stable at the moment, but what would happen if you couldn't work for 12-18 months? If you are a home owner then you would receive little support from the government.

I know how hard it is to see other people having babies all around you. I really do. But unfortunately you need to be in a position to be able to support yourself if something goes wrong. DH and I are trying now and we only started when we had enough savings to cover 6 months worth of living costs just in case, and that's with just DH's salary being enough for us to live off. Babies are no joke and while they're not expensive if everything goes well and everyone is healthy, if doesn't take much to go wrong before you're up the creek. They also get expensive quickly. Have you looked into how much you would have to pay for childcare once your maternity leave was over? Even if, for example, your parents have said they could have the baby while you went back to work, what if the arrangement doesn't work out? And once babies are on the way/here, there is NO going back.

Good luck with your decision. I don't say any of the above to try to scare you, but just to share a bit of some of the things I've talked about with my friend.

smellsofelderberries Sat 09-May-15 11:02:00

Sorry, that should say 'they turn into children who can become expensive quickly'.

cedricsneer Sat 09-May-15 11:09:32

Again, so sorry for your loss.

I'm going to be honest here - it sounds like you do need to talk to someone. You don't sound like you have processed your miscarriage, and I think you going ahead with iui would be an attempt to fix this - I think you need to process your feelings around it before you think about iui.

I'm worried when you allude to thinking it would be safer bringing up a baby alone - it sounds possessive and the fear is unfounded as you are not escaping a dv situation - again, something I think you should address.

Yes you are very young, and I don't think a track record of relationships with the longest being 3 months puts you in the position of writing off all relationships. There is nothing wrong with choosing single motherhood, and I have friends who have, but I think with all these underlying issues it wouldn't be fair to expect this baby to "fix" you, which is how it's coming across.

Springtimemama Sat 09-May-15 11:22:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyBlossom Sat 09-May-15 11:30:20

IM sorry for your loss.

I'd Strongly consider Counselling, first to process the loss of your miscarriage and then to consider going ahead alone with a planned pregnancy as a young woman.

Goldmandra Sat 09-May-15 11:37:25

I completely understand that overwhelming drive to have a baby. It really dominates every aspect of your life, doesn't it?

I think you would perhaps benefit from some counselling to help you sort your emotions about the child you lost from the those about wanting another baby, just to be sure you're emotionally resilient enough to deal with what will be a very turbulent time for you.

I also think you need to be very careful about your financial security. I have not been able to work for several years due to having to support two children with ASD. I have a friend who used a sperm donor in the way you are considering, is now in a similar position to me and has only kept her house because her mortgage was already paid off. Think about how you would provide a home for your child/ren if you were unable to work.

Other than that I think it's fine for you to go ahead as long as you accept that you could find that you meet Mr Right and already having a child would complicate matters for you.

NerrSnerr Sat 09-May-15 11:45:14

I agree with what the others have said, it sounds like you need to get some help regarding your miscarriage first. We don't know your history but I do know women who have had terrible experiences, but gone on to find wonderful partners.

I don't think you shouldn't go it alone but think you may need to address the issues regarding the miscarriage/ not wanting a relationship first. I have an 8 month old and even with family/ friends it would have been very lonely doing it alone. She is teething again and it's nice to have someone to share

NerrSnerr Sat 09-May-15 11:47:01

.... The sleepless nights and the grumpy days (or evenings on weekdays). I have no doubt that my baby would have a nice life if I brought her up alone, but it will be a better life with her dad in her life.

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