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Any 40+ ladies out there TTC #1?

(1000 Posts)
JessieMcJessie Tue 25-Nov-14 13:00:51

Have looked at the buses and things but I feel a bit geriatric on them, with all the ages there for all to see, and the "old birds" type threads are lovely and supportive but a lot of the posters are dealing with issues like how to juggle older kids and a later pregnancy, or comparing ttc experiences now with the first time round.

Just wondered if anyone else was like me, basically didn't meet the right person till pretty late in life and now playing catchup and feeling slightly terrified of having left it all too late. I'm 41 (and 3 months) and DH and I got married in June and are now starting TTC. Most of my contemporaries had 2 or 3 kids before they were 40. I'm not afraid of the tiredness/no energy older Mum thing, or even really how old I'd look or feel at the school gates- I have actually been told many times I look younger than I am. No fertility probs that I know of and cycles seem regular and 28 days, but I have this awful dread that if the average time to conceive when young and healthy is 6 months, I just don't have enough time left. Silly to worry I know since we've only just started our 2nd cycle TTC, but would love to hear from anyone else in a similar position.

JessieMcJessie Wed 26-Nov-14 10:35:10

Wow, nobody? I guess I really am a freak then confused

HS26 Wed 26-Nov-14 13:47:48

Hello, Jessie! I'm in exactly the same position as you. I was 41 a month ago and have been ttc for a few months now (I think first month might have been a chemical pregnancy, but not confirmed - horrible but in a way gives me hope, too). Just like you, I didn't get married until late, and I had a bit of convincing hubby to do, too, before we started on the ttc journey. My attitude is 'it is what it is' but at the same time I wish I was even just a year or two younger!

I definitely have the same fears as you regarding average time to conceive at this age, too. I'm hopeful and yet know full well what the statistics say. This month I felt myself getting overly stressed out about the whole thing (and stressing out/freaking out hubby - not helpful!) and so have resolved to try to stay more relaxed next month.

I think the best thing we can do is stay positive, don't stress too much and take it day by day. I have heard quite a few encouraging stories (friend of friend recently given birth naturally at 42 with no probs, for instance) which also helps.

I hope this helps a bit! I know it doesn't change any of the facts but it's so much better to know you aren't in it alone - well at least that's how I feel!

JessieMcJessie Wed 26-Nov-14 15:26:15

Hi HS, great to "meet" you! I know what you mean, psychologically 39 would feel a lot better, even though really age is just a number and we all age at different rates. Good luck and let's keep in touch.

crispiecrunchie Wed 26-Nov-14 16:55:06

Hello
I'm actually trying to conceive number 2 but alsolooking for a thread to call home!! I had dd at 40 and I'm 42 in a month so totally get the time running out fears. This is my fourth cycle trying. Month one was an early miscarriage at seven weeks.

Like you regular cycles and using ovulation test but in honesty cycle predictable enough and having enough sex to cover bases. I hope it's my month. Keep feeling probably only have a year or so to try.

That said none of the doctors look twice at women in their forties and several scoffed when I suggested I was too old!!, I know from baby groups and peers that first babies in forties are very common. Lots of folk look younger mind you.

Good luck!!

JessieMcJessie Thu 27-Nov-14 05:33:06

Hi crispie, really good to hear from you especially with your positive stories about doctors' attitudes and lots of first time Mums in their 40s. I don't know any personally and everything I read talks about fertility falling off a cliff at about 38-39 (yes, even after adjusted for the "these stats come from 17th Century France" factor). Did you know any older Mums before you were trying for #1 or did they all pop up once you moved into antenatal and baby circles?

How long did it take you to conceive your DD?

Fertile window coming up in 3 or 4 days, seems to be taking forever to get here. We DTD every day of the window last month, I'm thinking maybe cut it back to every other day this time to give DH a chance to replenish his swimmers properly - he's a spring chicken of 36 though!

crispiecrunchie Thu 27-Nov-14 08:13:37

Thank you Jessie. A good friend had her only child a year before me at just shy of 42. And a few friends had their final child around that time. The group I go to i definitely am not the oldest. Two woman had their first at 43. The doctor said we are still geriatric mum's!!! But they see people up to 43 or 44.

Obviously we aren't as fertile as we were but I think a positive attitude does help overall.

My first wasn't planned and was on the pill at the time. I do wonder if it was a last surge of fertility!!! So I haven't had to do this planning, tracking thing before. Ttc is new to me!!!!

HS26 Thu 27-Nov-14 08:35:34

So nice to 'meet' you all and looking forward to seeing how we all 'get on' ;-) I usually lurk around these kinds of boards but thought I'd join in a bit this time. Good luck everyone!

mustbemad71 Thu 27-Nov-14 08:46:04

Hi Jessie

I'm 43 and have two DDs with my ex, now trying for one with my OH who hasn't had any of his own. I know or know of a least a dozen girls who have had babies without any fertility treatment in their early 40s. Several of them were first time mums who just hadn't met Mr Right until then. One friend has just had her second at 44 - her first was conceived at 42. I know quite a few who have had IVF too.

My GP seemed totally unphased about having a baby in my forties - she said that she sees a lot of older mums. I've also been checked out by a gynae as I have a fibroid. He was also very encouraging.

The fact that you have a regular cycle must be a positive. I'd say just relax and enjoy being a newly wed and it will happen. Good luck! xxx

JessieMcJessie Thu 27-Nov-14 12:40:47

Wow mustbemad a dozen! That's really encouraging! Fingers crossed. I have just polished off two lovely big glasses of red wine, probably not the best idea for optimising TTC in limited time, but they were lovely (and I am in Asia, in case anyone looks at the time and thinks I am a lushsmile). Not sure if drinking before fertile window is an issue?

JessieMcJessie Thu 27-Nov-14 12:42:31

Crispie my Mum said she was medically termed a geriatric when she had me....at 26!

HS26 Thu 27-Nov-14 13:54:10

Jessie, at first I was avoiding all alcohol and then after a couple of months I decided that was a bit silly (who knows how long the whole thing will take?!) Besides, personally I don't want friends and family to start wondering anything prematurely!

So now I'm just having a small glass of wine every now and again when I feel like it, but not going too crazy. Towards the end of my cycle though I'm pretty much avoiding it altogether, just in case (not sure how long I'll keep that up for, though!) I've been drinking decaf coffee and tea mostly, too, instead of regular. It tastes the same to me, so I figure I might as well ...

One article I read even suggested that a glass of red wine might help with successful implantation. Let's hope that's true!

mustbemad71 Thu 27-Nov-14 14:43:50

I've also heard of older mums having twins as apparently the body throws everything at it by releasing two eggs etc. This also happened to a friend of mine who has supposedly started the menopause early after cancer treatment. She has three DCs now and is fit and well.

I don't think the odd glass of vino will hurt at all. Have you girls tried acupuncture? I'm thinking of having a go as it's worked for a few friends of mine who were going down IVF route if nothing happened. I'm also not going to get too hung up on possible ovulation dates and just DTD every other day all the time so there is a constant supply of little swimmers hanging around!

NewEraNewMindset Thu 27-Nov-14 14:53:48

I did reply to this earlier but got don't reason my post didn't post!

My sister had her two children in her 40s with a miscarriage inbetween but no problems conceiving. I on the other hand am really struggling after conceiving my son quickly and easily at 37.

We are waiting on sperm results before we decide what the next course of action is. TTC in your 40s can be easy but in can also be very difficult. Having a 28 day cycle is a very good sign so fingers crossed you get yourself a BFP. I really hope so xx

crispiecrunchie Thu 27-Nov-14 18:11:12

Yep my mum was an old mum at 27 and a friend last year was classed as 'elderly mum' at 30!!!

Also my friend was born in the late seventies when his mum was 40. It was considered so high risk then she was hospitalized for 6 weeks on bed rest before birthday!!

Much alcohol was consumed around the time of my last pregnancy. I'm having the odd glass as I really don't think a couple of units here or there matters especially before the 2ww

Xx

ChewyGiraffe Thu 27-Nov-14 20:30:22

Have you seen the latest TTC 40+ thread?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2192900-40-and-TTC-Join-the-club?

There are plenty of like minded ladies on there, including a fair few trying for their first at your age and older.

If it helps, I can tell you that I conceived my first naturally and easily (first try) when I was older than you - aged 43 - having convinced myself that at my age I was bound to need IVF. My DD is now 16 months, massive (98th centile) and perfectly healthy.

Its true that a sibling is proving more of a challenge: I fell pregnant after 3 months of trying (on 45th birthday actually) but sadly miscarried. So we're emotionally battered, but not yet defeated.

But I honestly don't give a f*ck what anyone else thinks about me still TTC. While my hormone tests are still OK (which they are), cycles are regular etc, I figure there's no reason not to give it a go.

And FWIW, I think fertility statistics can be really unhelpful. To take a similar example, if you Google the basic stats for an average woman in the UK, apparently that woman is 5ft 3in tall, weighs 11 stone and wears a size 16. Well that's absolutely NOTHING like me - nor you, I would hazard a guess. Quite obviously I'm not an exponentially smoothed average of a population (who is?) and I'm hoping fertility can hang on for a bit.

JessieMcJessie Fri 28-Nov-14 00:31:39

Ha ha, I am 5'4, weigh 11 stone and a size 14- not far off! But thanks anyway and absolutely agree no point getting hung up on statistics. Thanks for the other thread link chewy, I did see that threadbefore but it seemed to be full of people with older children too. Will take another look.

HS26 Fri 28-Nov-14 07:02:46

Anyone else struggling with getting their partner to understand that things might be a bit more difficult at our age? In an ideal world I would like to follow all these 'plans' online like the sperm meets egg plan (think it involves 'doing it' every other day, then every day during ovulation), just to give myself the best chance every month. Hubs finds the 'scheduling' thing too stressful though and gets annoyed with me if I quote statistics etc. I know that I HAVE TO try to take a more relaxed approach to get him on my side - otherwise we will both get stressed (me because he's not 'playing ball' and him because he feels too pressured). Any tips for navigating this? :-)

NewEraNewMindset Fri 28-Nov-14 09:28:17

HS26 I think guys just have this idea that they possess super spunk and at any time of the month they can get you pregnant.

My OH has always been very good at getting on board with the program verbally, but when it comes to actually physically doing the deed he ends up in bed in the foetal position whimpering that he is tired which is hugely sexy for me as you can imagine hmm

Probably your best bet is to get to know your cycle and if you regularly ovulate around the same time each month then just time a few sessions pre OV then wait a day and get one more in.

We have tried the sex every day over the fertile window approach and to be honest as I wearily approach my 19th cycle I am starting to think less is more. I think this month I shall just time a couple of shags on the day before and day of OV and leave it at that. It's too exhausting to force my OP to be interested for five days on the trot. Makes me feel horrific when he would rather do anything else in the world.

JessieMcJessie Fri 28-Nov-14 09:57:45

My DH is a bit of a techy so I told him that I have an App that dictates when we have to DTD. I haven't actually shown him FertilityFriend yet though, I think the cervical mucus data entry function would blow his mind (not to mention make him recoil from touching my phone).

We've not done enough cycles yet for him to have wearied of it completely but I most definitely felt him flagging when we tried to DTD every day during my last fertile window. I guess it's hard for them as, no matter what they logically want to do, they do have to be in the mood to perform whereas our role as receptacle is not really affected by state of mind smile. I don't think he's too blase about how hard it can be, though I think he's trying to be tactful about not saying "yes, you are a wizened old crone". At the moment we are not below the average even for people of a younger age so he (being very logic-minded) will just say that there is no point worrying about age until age actually does become a factor that sets us apart from other couples.

HS26 Fri 28-Nov-14 10:04:04

That's a really balanced view, NewEraNewMindset and I 100% agree with you.

I think we're in a similar position. Personally I think the twice before O and once on the day should be enough biologically speaking, anyway. Every couple is different but for us I know any more than that is unrealistic, stressful and therefore counterproductive!

Thanks for the feedback - it helps a lot to chat with people in the same position and with a similar mindset! :-)

HS26 Fri 28-Nov-14 10:11:40

Oh sorry, Jessie, just saw your message, too! An App, hey? Now, there's an idea ... my hubby is techy, too!
I think that all the 'theories' and advice regarding frequency you find online and in books are all very well, but like you say the reality is often very different!

I'm trying to remind myself that there are two people in this and so I won't be able to control everything every month. I

I think the wisest thing is to try to work together on it with a positive frame of mind and accept that some things 'are what they are'!

This all sounds great in theory but I still find it hard. If it was just up to me I would 'do the deed' at least once every 2 days during ov time and just accept that it might not be quite as sexy as other times!! But I totally get what you say too about the pressure put on hubby that way - we are more receptacles and they have to perform!

Anyway, thanks for the feedback and have a great weekend.

crispiecrunchie Fri 05-Dec-14 16:51:48

How is everyone faring over here? I'm entering another 2ww and due to test couple of days before Christmas. Last chance at pregnancy before I hit 42!

JessieMcJessie Sat 06-Dec-14 01:18:28

Hi crispie, I am not far behind you. For a while this month I was worried I would not ovulate as got to CD 18 without a positive OPK. Fortunately got 2 really clear ones yesterday so duly DTD last night and will again tonight. No temp rise this morning so who knows if the egg has popped yet! Fingers crossed for us both. A BFP would be an amazing Christmas pressie. When can you test? Am hoping the 2ww will pass quickly due to Christmas stuff. This week I will be putting together a Dolly Parton costume for my work Christmas themed party...

crispiecrunchie Sat 06-Dec-14 08:02:09

I haven't had a positive opk yet but will be due to ovulate this weekend so just working on that assumption! Today is CD14. Dtd the last four days, tonight is not possible but will try Sunday and Monday. Assuming I ovulate guess ill try to resist testing till two weeks today! We can wait it out together. Christmas is distracting me and thinking even if it's not our month at least we can have plenty champagne and Bailey's at Christmas!

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