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ttc, fertility worries and friend has just announced shes pregnant

(6 Posts)
impatientlywaiting14 Wed 19-Mar-14 23:59:08

Hi all,

I have recently been diagnosed with endometriosis and wanted to start ttc as soon as possible but i was advised to wait until i could have a further procedure to remove a fibroid that was causing me a lot of trouble. It took 9 months till i got my date for the procedure to remove the fibroid. it was a long and frustrating wait, especially as they kept pushing the date back and i was worrying the longer it was put off the more chance the endo would have of coming back. Fast forward to the day after the procedure and my friend phones me in hospital to tell me she is pregnant.

If im really honest I felt my heart sink like a stone. This wasn't planned and she sounded panicked and by the tone of her voice it wasn't what she wanted, i talked her through it and assured her that things would be ok.

I have started my ttc journey and now her and her other half are excited about the baby and I am honestly happy for them and excited but at the same time finding it really hard with the daily calls or texts about sickness, how tired she is, or general baby talk. I am trying very hard not to symptom spot and to give my head a break as its driving me mad, but its within every conversation with my friend, as well as her pregnancy and I cant exactly ask her could she not mention her pregnancy to me can I, how mean would i sound.

I cant talk about how im feeling to others as shes not announced it yet, she will announce it once shes three months and had the scan. Hopefully once it's out in the open she will speak to others about it as well, whereas at the mo its mainly me she talks to, which makes it more difficult to keep it off my mind.

She asked me recently if i was ok when she told me, i said i was. She is very worried about miscarriage at the moment and the last thing i want to do is make her feel guilty about being pregnant or worry about me. I would never want her to feel that way and would not forgive myself if i voiced my thoughts and feelings and then something happened. So i just need to keep shtum for the next 7 or so months .... I feel such a terrible friend sad sad

ParsonsPig Thu 20-Mar-14 05:47:33

No advice really, but wanted to say you actually sound like a very good friend! Have you talked to your friend at all about your TTC journey? Remember friendships are supposed to be two way and I think you have a right to expect a little bit of sensitivity too!

Inshock73 Thu 20-Mar-14 07:11:10

You're a good friend, don't worry about that. I think you should be honest with with her. Tell her you're really happy she's pregnant and excited for her but you're struggling with it at the moment because you so want to be in the same position. If she's as good a friend to you as you are to her she should pick up on it and be a little more sensitive, perhaps keep the daily updates for her partner.

impatientlywaiting14 Thu 20-Mar-14 15:32:22

Hi ParsonsPig and Inshock73

Thank-you for your kind words, it makes me feel a little better. On the one hand I feel I must be a good friend for keeping my feelings to my self to save her any worry or upset. On the other hand these secret thoughts and feelings makes me feel like im Cruella De Vil. I know im not really and being irrational but still cant help feeling guilty having these thoughts.

I have spoken to her about my ttc journey. I wanted to start ttc before they diagnosed me with Endo but held off as i hadn't long started a new job. i just knew instinctively there was something up. There was many a time when we had an accident with condoms either splitting or slipping due to tension on my part (sorry if tmi). Also for around 3 months we weren't trying but weren't preventing and nothing become of that. So once i had the diagnosis of endo to confirm what i knew, i decided not to let anything put me off any further. It was only the fact that i was medically advised against it until the fibroid was removed, that I held off until this year.

My friend has been very supportive. I had always said before it was diagnosed that i knew something was up she assured me all would be fine then when i found out for sure she said it wasn't necessarily a barrier, give me antidotes of how she had heard of this person had gotten pregnant with endo and that person. I know its all well meant but its really not helpful and doesn't make me feel any more reassured, if anything i feel more frustrated and isolated.

She has never had any infertility issues or worries, and has always fallen pregnant straight away. The other pregnancies did not bother me at all. But since i found out about the Endo i am affected by peoples news. This time around with my friend i am finding it hard to keep off my mind. When we talk about me i do say i feel its going to take some time (i am not being negative just realistic). My friend goes don't worry it wont take long, she genially believes i will fall soon and doesn't see why i should think otherwise. I don't feel i can say she wont understand as she has never had any problems getting pregnant as that will sound begrudging, i honestly don't begrudge her it, its just tough at the moment.

Another friend understands why i haven't put it off any longer. When i voice to her im worried it will take me some time she says its will happen soon. she doesn't understand either just how frustrated i am. I think part of it is that i am frustrated with myself, frustrated that i allowed other things to get in the way when i was ready and now im worried in case i now have a long journey ahead and risked missing my chance. If i say this im told "oh you will be fine".

I know its all well meant and i appreciate the support, i really do. But unless the person is trying to conceive and/or has fertility worries then they cant understand how all consuming it becomes and obsessed the person feels. They say becoming a mum changes your life. That should be said about ttc as well. I feel like my life will never be the same again now until i get my BFP. Then no time to prepare for the changes ahead, which im really looking forward to.

My pregnant friend has picked up something is wrong but i have just had to try and say its down to other things. I will hang on in there until she has at least had her scan, hopefully once its all out in the open she will share it with others. If it doesn't settle down i will have to let her know as gently as i can, not a conversation im looking forward to as my oh is friends with her oh so if i cause upset to her, it will cause upset all around. I have tried talking to my oh about it he doesn't understand though and says it will happen when it happens, and i feel he wont see that conversation as necessary with my friend especially if i cause upset. I get a feeling he feels i should suck it up a bit.

so sorry to go on didn't mean it to be this long Thanks so much again

ParsonsPig Thu 20-Mar-14 20:27:43

I really feel for you. There are bits of your post I could have written myself. Although not related to fertility, I had health problems that meant I had to put off TTC for three years, despite being 'ready'. I then began to panic that I'd left things too late - I almost felt like I had woken up to really wanting a baby and was annoyed at myself for not getting things together earlier! I completely agree that TTC is all-encompassing and frustrating. No matter how many people predict that things will be fine and tell you to stay calm it's really hard to keep the crazy, obsessive thoughts at bay. I suppose at the end of the day we all have to accept that TTC is something we have limited control over and just embrace it. I hope your friends step up in terms of being sensitive and recommend MN for a good bitch about it if they don't! Good luck x

impatientlywaiting14 Thu 20-Mar-14 22:51:57

ParsonsPig that's how i feel! like it suddenly hit me in the face and i wanted a baby there and then. I know in reality it was a much slower process and building up to it and that i had been denying it to myself due to worrying about my job, if the timing was right,family issues, who was Going to say what ect. I could kick myself now knowing what I do.

I also have health issues related to Endo which is why i am anxious to get a bfp as soon as possible. I am 28, ttc#1 and the oldest of my friends (I know 28 isn't old) so don't want to delay any further especially if it is going to be a long journey.

You are right we just have to find ways to cope and accept it will happen when it does, as frustrating as that is. I do believe my friends are being as supportive and as sensitive as they can, I just feel isolated from them in a sense going through this, as they are not in that place and I myself feel they don't understand.

I am sorry to hear about your health issues. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that it happens for you soon, in the meantime we can all support each other on here smile

Thanks again for your kind words and I do feel better and a little more calm than when i first posted having a moan on here lol xx

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